I put together a bunch of texts that I feel are more correct than what is in the game. "A" texts are what is already present, while "B" is the proposed alternatives. "C" is notes on my reasoning, wherever I feel appropriate.
The version played is v0.2.
#1A: Raymond - "My father called me yesterday and he need an urgent request."
#1B: Raymond - "My father called me yesterday, he had an urgent request."
#1C: The addition of an "," helps the sentence flow more naturally.
In the context of this sentence "he need an urgent request" doesn't make sense in English. This is because it implies that the father is creating a situation, rather than wanting one to be resolved.
#2A: Raymond - "A cheap weaponry...it mays sound impossible, but..."
#2B: Raymond - "Cheap weapons. It may sound impossible, but..."
#2C: While "weaponry" is technically correct, it doesn't naturally fit in this context. The "..." was replaced by a "." because the overuse of an "..." can feel weird, and a single period here makes Raymond sound more experienced in his field. "Mays" is definately wrong, with the only correct usage in English being as a name - typically a last one. EG, "Billy Mays".
#3A: Raymond - "Yeah, also gather some information about the crystals in the city."
#3B: Raymond - "Yeah, also while gathering information about crystals in the city."
#3C: The sentence doesn't flow quite right. While technically correct, the context with prior text boxes makes it feel unnatural.
#4A: Raymond - "I'll send you the blueprints when I arrive in the city"
#4B: Raymond - "I'll send you the blueprints when I arrive in the city."
#5A: Raymond - So I, as his son and as a weapon tinkerer, travel from Cosnela to Viellci Dc."
#5B: Raymond - So I, as his son and weapon tinkerer, traveled from Cosnela to Viellci Dc."
#5C: By removing the "as a", the sentence feels less repetitive. That part is actually fine, but I felt that I should mention the alternative wording. "traveled" is more natural for this sentence, due to being past tense. "travel" implies present or future tense.
#6A: Raymond - "Father had his hopes on me, having to accomplish it all in a month."
#6B: Raymond - "Father pinned his hopes on me, to accomplish it all in a month."
#6C: "had his hopes on me" is not a wording used in English. Thus, I replaced it with something that conveys a similar idea but recognized in English. "having to accomplish it all in a month" is technically correct, but the context makes it less natural than the rewritten version.
#7A: Raymond - "For if were to fail, my father's hand would be forced, having to manufacture weapons of inferior quality."
#7B: Raymond - "If I were to fail, my father would be forced to manufacture weapons of inferior quality.
#7C: "For if were to fail" is incorrect. It doesn't convey as much information as it could, and trying to speak it as-is would be awkward. When in doubt about text, speak it out loud and see if rolls off the tongue naturally. "My father's hand would be forced" Is technically correct and a wording often used in English. The issue is that what comes afterwards didn't flow naturally. I recommend using this wording elsewhere in the game, as it is a good one.
#8A: Raymond - "I would be exiled from the city for shattering his hopes but most importantly, wasting his time.
#8B: Raymond - "I would be exiled from the city for shattering his hopes, but more importantly, wasting his time.
#8C: Without the extra comma, the sentence is hard to say in real life and more difficult to read. "most importantly" while technically and contextually correct, is not often used in English. "more importantly" is a much more common way of conveying the idea. Both wordings are valid!
#9A: Raymond - "It was my father recommendation and it was his old apartment."
#9B: Raymond - "It was my father's recommendation and it was his old apartment."
#10A: Raymond - "After an exhausting day of weapon designing."
#10B: Raymond - "After an exhausting day of weapon designing, I've decided to use an alternative core for the weapon."
10C: Technically correct, but didn't feel quite right. By integrating both sentences together, the sudden stop from "weapon designing." is removed.
11A: Raymond - "A few days ago, we found some unique ones. We took it, and researched it until now."
11B: Raymond - "A few days ago, we found some unique ones. We took them, and researched until now."
11B: Raymond - "A few days ago, we found some unique ones. We took one, and researched it until now."
11C: By using "it", you imply a single crystal, while "ones" is plural. I put together two revised texts, one for a plurality of crystals - and the other singular. I think the plural text is better, but I don't know the full story.
12: Raymond - "As I was walking home, having a discussion about the crystals with my friend."
12: Raymond - "As I was walking home, having a discussion about the crystals with my friend..."
12C: The sentence is correct, it just feels awkward because the period is a hard-stop. By having the trailing "...", it is implied something grabbed Raymond's attention.
13A: Girl - "All I know is ... I've been in a street ever since."
13B: Girl - "All I know...I've always lived on the street."
13C: The formatting of " ... " is a bit odd, so I altered it slightly. The latter half of the sentence is confusing, in a way that I believe to be unintentional.
14A: Girl - "Why bother ask those questions."
14B: Girl - "Why bother, asking those questions?"
14B: Girl - "Why bother asking those questions."
14C: The original form felt awkward. I recommend the revision with the "?", but the version with "." may be suitable if she is making a statement.
15A: Raymond - "They kidnap almost every outcast in every dome city."
15B: Raymond - "They kidnap outcasts in all dome cities."
15C: Using "every" twice feels very repetitive and makes the sentence harder to parse.
16A: Tutorial - "Day represents the amount of day you've spent with Millie."
16B: Tutorial - "Day represents the amount of time you've spent with Millie."
16B: Tutorial - "Day represents the number of days you've spent with Millie."
16C: Using "day" twice doesn't feel good. In addition to this, the latter "day" lacks plurality. When more than one day is spent with someone, "days" is more appropriate.
Aside from text, I have a bit of confusion regarding the SFW mode: is it "on" or "off"? Having text that says "SFW mode is ON/OFF", with the appropriate word being hi-lighted would make the toggle more understandable.