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BenJerriez1 year ago

Well done! Great visuals and music -  trippy at bits but that's probably what you were going for.

Sadly, the dialogue went a bit over my head at some points. Sometimes it's better to pare things down a little, unless you were wanting an Alice in Wonderland feel? In which case you nailed it! Also was hoping for more choices to help engage the player? The one was a nice touch especially for a game jam, but I craved moree haha.

Anyways, please keep making stories! I wanna see more of what you make. C:

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magicite1 year ago

Art can be like that, yes... but, I'm mainly the writer, and I suppose I did sort of want a wonderland feel, but is that positive, if you think it's better to pare things down? With regards to choices... I could not, exactly, think of much else that would fit the narrative, but if you can maybe you can suggest?

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BenJerriez1 year ago (3 edits)

Hmm, perhaps 'pare it down' is a poor way to phrase it. Let me expand on it a touch!

Some of the dialogue was very complicated and philosophical.  I'm not saying that is a bad thing - but having a full text box  ( a 'wall of text' ) can cause the player to feel overwhelmed, especially with themes so complex. I would recommend breaking up the statements and perhaps have only a line or two shown per click if possible.

Also to aid in this, I think you could also add in short descriptions of what the characters are doing as they are talking, For example:

  • [He laughs derisively, uninterested in your statement]
  • [She looks around in wonder seeming lost, but intrigued]
  • [They begin skipping stones thoughtfully, then turn towards you to speak]

I think this would break up the dialogue a tad, plus have an added bonus of bringing the player more fully into the world you've created. As for choices, I think one way to have simple ones would be to choose where your character is going. Example:

  • [In front of you there is a multicolored babbling stream. What would you like to do?] 
    • Cross steam
    • Follow alongside the stream

That said, I think your idea of having the character choice be to think positively or  negatively was brilliant and would love to see it expanded further. Maybe you could have multiple points where after they've had a character encounter and the player character could be asked how they are feeling? For example:

  • [Think positively, I feel more fully myself. The world thrums at my fingertips]
  • [Think negatively, I'm beginning to feel unwound. The world begins to blur slightly as I get lost in my thoughts]

So that would help move the story along, help the player feel like they're fully impacting the story, and also be a depiction of Alice in Wonderland's key factor of descending further into the rabbit hole or trying to find your way back out.

Anyway, sorry for the huge post (I am not immune to creating a Wall of Text LOL) I guess you caught me on a brainstorm day haha. I hope this helps explain the thoughts I had - feel free to ask more questions if needed. Hope your day is going well and you keep up the good work! C:

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magicite1 year ago

Describing actions and, more crucially, feelings, is indeed something I should do... perhaps it's this difference between a game/VN (which is still all about characters) and novels, where I did end up with such descriptions (in A Snowed Abode). With VNs it's certainly more possible to do this, though, as opposed to NPCs in the more usual RPGs... a bit of a problem, though, is how to distinguish between the character speaking and the narrator, especially since I don't usually use quotation marks (although square brackets might do)...

With regards to choices, the main issue is that content needs to be created for each one (of course)... so, unless a VN is already finished, and all choices have an equal amount of content, or such... it might end up looking a bit weak. Or, at least I thought the 'positive' path did when I ended up filling in the 'negative' much more (inevitably)... why "brilliant", by the way? I assumed it was a somewhat basic choice... more of a technical test, really... but does it make any difference whether the content is split as it is, or the same is basically all there, just linear?

And, yeah... I sort of like walls of text, although paragraphed. What I wonder, though, if every text window is three lines or so... wouldn't it be more annoying to have to keep clicking?

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BenJerriez1 year ago

CHOICES: I suppose I thought your positively / negatively choice was brilliant because it gave the story an element of suspense. At first the audience was a passive observer, but suddenly there is a clear split in the path and you - the player - have been given the controls.  Call it basic, but it surprised me and I liked it. 

TEXT PARAGRAPHS: I guess it's a matter of opinion then. I just feel that having slightly larger text and limiting to 3-4 lines per click would be beneficial and worth the extra clicks. Perhaps illustrations next to and behind the text box make harder to focus on a full paragraph, or it could just be what I'm used to for dialogue in similar media.

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