First and foremost, congrats on making your first VN! I have massive respect for anyone who takes the time to learn some new skills and puts their art out there.
I think I'll structure my feedback in two parts. I'll talk about the things I think you're doing well, and things that can be worked on.
Things you all did well:
- I liked the character writing. Every character felt like a well rounded individual.
- The premise is simple, but nice! Coming home stories can be difficult to navigate, but I think you handled it well.
- A lot of the basic principles of VN composition were executed well (sprite placement, slide structure, etc. etc.)
Things that need improvement:
- You all know this, but there was a level of polish that was not there. Spelling, grammar, some BG transitions that didn't go thru, etc. Just make sure to comb over those details next time. Maybe recruit some friends to play test!
- Sentence structure needs a lot of work. There were many awkwardly phrased sentences that just didn't flow well. Luckily, when it comes to writing, practice makes perfect!
This a great first effort. I'm excited to see what you all will do next!