TOP 5 THINGS I SIMP FOR THAT I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE SIMPING FOR
Welcome back, my student. I hope you have taken your training from last time to heart and have started your journey of becoming Hokagai- I mean the ultimate simp. Maybe with enough training and dedication, you could become half as good as me. I have prepared your second and last lesson as a teaching of how I became the ultimate simp. It's essential to know the history of our ancestry in order to perfect our craft
In the list below I have shared some of my most deepest and darkest discoveries. I think it's time you're ready. There's no going back now…
Number 5: Arlong (One Piece)
You read the 'Why One Piece is an unapologetic masterpiece' post. You saw this coming. Now before I continue, lower your pitchforks and machine guns. Yes, Arlong is not your stand up guy. He kinda sucks. He's a villain after all. But…is it really that wrong to still think he's hot? (Yes). I'm Rosa from that one Brooklyn 99 episode: "You can still hate someone and think they're hot." Sure he's a fish man. So what? What did I teach you last time? 'We can't have normal things.' Also…abs. Everyone knows if you put abs on something it becomes infinitely hotter. That's how it works…right? Somebody dump me in the water cuz I'm THIRSTY
Number 4: The blue people (Avatar)
Listen…LISTEN. I watched Avatar: Way of Water recently and…that's all she wrote. What's not to find attractive? Tall, pretty, abs…blue. The first time I watched Avatar, I couldn't stop imagining myself running around in Pandora on those flying pterodactyl things accompanied by a hot alien. It's not weird, okay? It's…'unique.' I tried finding the human characters attractive but it's not my fault humans are boring compared to these sky-blue tall lanky Greek sculpted gods. Let's just say I'm feeling blue to the realization that this is a movie franchise and therefore not real
Number 3: Larry the Lobster (SpongeBob Squarepants)
ABS
Number 2: Shakira the Gazelle (Zootopia)
I forgot her name... whatever I'll just call her Shakira. I feel like this is a Lola Bunny kind of situation. I'm not a furry, but…damn. From the cool hair to that beautiful outfit to the banger that is her song, what's not to love about Shakira? No abs though so we'll have to deduct some points on that. But other than that, she's basically number 1. Whether you find her hot or not, you have to agree: her hips don't lie
Number 1: Protogen Man
"Oh No, mY coMpUter hAS An antIVIrus." A man of meme potential is a man worth fighting for. Sure, he looks a little creepy with his rubbery skin and dead eyes, but a little bit of danger never hurt anyone ;) He's good with computers and stops viruses. Get out of here, Superman. Protogen man is the new hot superhero in town. And there's very few people in this world that can pull of the colour orange. He's probably got some abs under that shirt, right? 👀 Somebody call a doctor (or an IT moderator?), cause I'm getting infected by his total hunkiness!
Now, my student. Go out into the world to find your true love. And if they are normal, you are not ever welcomed back here. Good luck on your quest...