Thanks for sharing your experience. I felt the "I live like someone who wants to die" line deep in my heart.
I had a very similar experience to this last year, and it cleared the space in my head to start making some genuine progress when I'd always felt paralysed with fear. Knowing what it means to be happy within yourself reassured me and gave me strength and this brought that back to me for a few moments.
Things still kind of suck all the time, but I know they don't have to, I know there's other ways to feel, I know I wasn't crazy lying awake all those nights thinking something was wrong!
I hope you're doing well. Your art is not only visually beautiful but it so clearly communicates a psychedelic experience that is maybe not universal but at least shared by many.