Thought I'd pitch in my two cents. I'm a fan of La Musa (still hoping that gets some work done on it soon) and was looking forward to this.
For a demo, it's not the worst thing ever. The art is nice, and I can see the vision but it definitely needs some work. Yeah the pacing is very, VERY fast between locations and just the way the characters interact with one another. They jump from topic to topic like it's nothing, and that's just not the way actual conversations flow. Obviously the broken rib thing, and the white werewolf (his attitude and introduction to the story leave a lot to be desired) would be some of my biggest concerns. Can't remember his name but the big blue wolf is cute, love to see some fat men love interests.
The personalities of all characters are just not there, and seem very rushed and cookie cutter to be memorable. This is just personal opinion obviously but the MC's design, I'm just not a fan of at all. Not gonna get into the whole twink gets romance simmed by different big bara guys that seems to be the trend though.
Ultimately, I can see that a lot of work into it and I know they are rewriting since people have been trashing on them. Wanna say good luck and good health to the producers, I know making a vn is not easy or quick. Just take your time and try to come out with the best work you can, the groundwork is there just needs polish.
Also if you wanted an English proofreader, I'd be happy to help free of charge lol. Some of the spelling and general grammar errors don't help alleviate some of the other issues