itch.io

If I can weigh in on this a bit, because I wanted to mention something similar, I think what they're trying to show is that they chose an option to order something, some choice in between, and then another option to order a drink, and the dialogue feels disjointed because the line corresponding to ordering a second time sounds as if they haven't ordered at all. They just paid for their first order in those first few lines, but then the bartender talks to them as if they didn't just get up to leave. I agree with Hyacinthos that it catches the reader off-guard and doesn't feel very smooth. I hope that makes sense?

As for me, overall, I enjoyed it. Everyone's got a different way of writing about being lost, and I like the way you did it. Having the text flow between what's expected for fiction writing into poetry and back and forth made for some nice variety. My only wish is that dialogue be formatted because I had trouble figuring out who's saying what and when dialogue is meant to end sometimes. While dialogue punctuation in the end is a stylistic choice, I think the lack of it here can mess with one's enjoyment of what I think is a pretty well-written story. The lack of dialogue punctuation might also be what Hyacinthos had in mind when they mentioned "grammar and punctuation errors" in their initial comment.