WHAT!? but...
I have to trust there is a reason and purpose...
Even if this what I must look forwards to..., I did not just watch "Arcane" and "Dota" on Netflix for nothing...
I can't help the equal feeling of disappointment and sadness and that of how wonderful the orchestration and flow is...
Even if what I have dealt with, am dealing with, and will deal with, makes me want to run and hide in despair as much as I also wish to make a stand against. Is real life really "Stranger Than Fiction"? (A movie) or is fiction just a form of manifestation of another's reality?
As much as I want to let go, I cling... as much as I want to cling, I must let go...
This may be a work of fiction, but it still bites too deeply... even if I cannot completely move on from yet another tragedy, I must accept it still... I must cling to my belief and hope, just as much as much in real life, that they will all be able to meet again someday...
Even when gone it cannot truly be the end... to me, even the creation of fiction is but the creation of another reality ("Inkheart" series), and there is always ripples, no matter how far...
When I had tossed you my "fun" idea awhile back, it had been in the height of happiness, a height of hope, a height of foolishness, for it can blind you to just how quickly tragedy can wipe everything from existence. Funny how even as wise as I try to be, am but only me, and that I am only reading what is to come while already in the depths of despair...
It ironically or fittingly... I cannot be sure, makes me want o cling to you as much to cry out WHY? as it is to appreciate you for all your efforts...
In being autistic in the way I am... I cannot help my duality of never quite being my own age... I can be as wise as I can be desperate..., as childish as I can be stoic, as firm as I can flimsy...
Right here right now... as bizarre or awkward as it could be... it makes me wish I could cry, in my vain hopes, right in your arms or beside you, in person... to mourn the same way I think Ludus will to Leo.
I cannot help myself but express my thoughts and feelings, to me its of vital importance, even if in the end it accomplishes nothing...
I'm sorry to be like this...., but it also only makes me eager for an inverse reason to look forward to what you must have planned. I'm just glad that it will at least fit together, its the only way I could ever accept it. Even in sorrow I must look forward to the future. Thank you so much, so very much.