Post by Espoir Du Vide in Finished Full Voice Acting Update Released (and some additional notes) comments

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When you were describing how people thought you were aloof and it was just social anxiety, I felt that on a deep level. I also, and still am, very quiet. I love making videos because that’s my best self, that’s me at my happiest, just sharing cool games with friends. But in real life I’m super quiet and way more terrified of everything, haha. And I definitely know the feeling of social awkwardness being mistaken for something negative.

I wholeheartedly think mental health is something that should be talked about more! I’ve probably said it before but it’s something I feel really strongly about. After I started playing Sapphire Snow a bit more I felt that I really wanted other people to see it because I know people suffer in silence. I don’t know if the video will get a bunch of views, but maybe someone will feel heard and seen.

I love that analogy of using kind words against negative thoughts like a tiny lantern!!! I love that so much, because that’s what it feels like. I once saw a video where a person has two jars and the positive praise jar gets filled with tons of colorful beads but then the negative jar gets one single bead dropped in, then the woman smashes the jar full of praise (quite violently actually) and carries the jar with the one bead like it’s important. So I try to imagine carrying the full jar and leaving that single bead alone. Kind of a strange analogy but that thought of cherishing praise has helped me a lot recently.

Melancholy Marionette285 days ago

I’m really glad that you have that platform and that space to be your best self in your videos :3 Your happiness definitely shines in your videos and is infectious, haha. It’s a shame that you can’t extend that sense of being able to fully be yourself in other parts of life :( I feel you though because I can only really be my happiest, most authentic version of myself when in the safety of my home, haha. Every time I step outside, it’s like I take a bag of masks with me and wear whichever one I feel I need to at the time x3 and I’m painfully aware that my masks aren’t even adequate, haha.

At the ASD support group I’m attending right now, they have told us to try our best to embrace that we’re neurodivergent, to try and let go of the masks and the self-monitoring and just be the way we were before we realised we had to cover it all up x3 Which is a nice sentiment, but it’s easier said than done! If I’m being completely honest, sometimes I don’t even know who I am xD I’ve tried to squeeze myself into so many different shapes over the years in (failed) attempts to fit in that I feel like I consist of fragments of a person, and I’m not entirely sure what’s actually me and what’s leftover shards of some sort of performance >.<

I guess I never really had that opportunity as a kid/young person to explore/discover who I might be because I was too busy using all my energy trying to blend in as a matter of survival x3 That sounds so tragic now that I write it down o.o”

I’m not sure what it’s like where you are, but where I live, we still have that sort of stubbornness in older generations who don’t believe mental health is a thing x3 That it’s just youngsters are too sensitive these days, they need to pull their socks up, stop moaning, and get on with it! Sort of attitude >.< Even my own mum, who isn’t THAT old, doesn’t really get mental health like it’s something other people have made up because they’re too weak to handle life o.O I can’t talk to her about anything like that because it just does not compute with her even a tiny bit.

And then you have the government and the media over here saying stuff like young people are ‘Generation Sick Note - Too lazy to work’ >.< Which just completely dismisses the fact that a huuuuge chunk of the reason people are too ill to work is because their mental health has gotten so bad! I don’t understand how in this day and age, people can still be so smallminded when it comes to mental health so much so as to accuse people struggling with poor mental health of being lazy :(

And then the worst part is, they expect you to get better without any help!

I think younger people are more clued up and more open about discussing mental health stuff, but yeah, we have a loooong way to go still when it comes to general understanding of how it impacts people >.<

Anyways, it means a lot to me that you felt that way about the game :3 It was always gonna be one of those obscure things that probably only interests a few people x3 but still, I have to thank you again for choosing to make a video of it! I've only had a chance to watch about half of your video so far, but I have to say that all your commentary and stuff is so heartwarming x3 You've handled such a sensitive topic with such a huge and caring heart <3 Aaaand, you still managed to make me laugh out loud more than once xD Digimon, hehe, now there are some happy childhood memories :D I reckon if Saffie had someone like you in her life for a while, she probably wouldn't have felt the need to go wandering off into the woods!

But yeah, even just from your comments here and the comments of others on the project, I’m glad that I decided to share it in the end because to know it resonates with anyone at all means the world to me and is also extremely validating on a personal level. If someone does end up feeling heard or seen as a result of your video, that would be incredible. I know for me, just having people on my side who accept and make an effort to understand me makes a world of difference because feeling invisible and alone is so isolating >.<

Man, that sounds like a pretty powerful video! I can see it playing out in my head just from your description, haha. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve essentially done that at times myself >.< I wish I knew why it’s so much easier to hold on to 1 single negative thing than a whole bunch of positives. It seems so illogical x3 As much as I try to be the sort of person who doesn’t let the bad stuff get under my skin, it somehow always does. 1 stupid cruel comment shouldn't have the power to drown out an ocean of positivity T_T

I’d love to know what it is about someone’s journey through life that allows them to totally shrug off negative stuff like it hardly even touches them, haha. I see people who are super confident and think to myself… how?! How have you attained this level of confidence and where can I acquire it too, please? x3

I really like visual aids for things like this though, so I think I might have to borrow what you said about trying to imagine carrying the full jar of all the good things :3 I reckon it might help me keep it in mind cos while I feel like I’m doing a slightly better job at it nowadays, I still have a tendency to let the negative seep in when I’ve been having a hard time >.< I sometimes try to imagine negative comments like little black bouncy balls, and when I read something that makes me feel crappy, try to envision just booting it with all my strength so it just flies off into the distance in the hope that I might not keep dwelling on it xD

Espoir Du Vide284 days ago(+1)

What you said about masks and your personality being made of shards of failed performances is so poetic!! I love that! It sounds so much like what I want for Alouette (because a lot of the characters are “parts” of me AND almost everyone wears a literal mask. My favorite is Colibri the people pleaser who wears an entire divers helmet as a “mask”) And I feel that too on not knowing who I was growing up. I Feel that I didn’t really meet “me” until I hit 30! But that’s a part of life, I don’t think many people ever know themselves. I say to myself a lot that “I don’t know who I am but I know who I want to be” and I tell myself to just be. I’d actually love to explore that because I’ve always had an interest in psychology.

I am American and while it’s not great I do feel that America slightly understands mental health a little better. I remember hearing that in Britain it’s far worse and there is even less help for people. Don’t get me wrong, America still stinks when it comes to actually helping people. But when I talk to some older people they do understand things like depression and anxiety. And I hate when they call us “lazy”, they do that here too, yet there are so few opportunities to thrive. I could go into how many people barely have enough money to survive, wages still haven’t risen, prices on basic needs are rising AND they want us to start having children, but I don’t want to turn this into a vent about America haha.

I’m really glad you enjoyed the video so far!! I was worried that I said too little but it’s kind of felt like watching a movie with a friend. I noticed that a creator named Your Game also did a video but they don’t add commentary to their videos, that’s someone else who played it!

I like the little black ball of negativity analogy, I may have to try that! I think personifying or turning the negativity into something mentally tangible and then getting rid of it (like kicking the black ball or naming your depression “Void” and telling him to be quiet) really helps. To be honest I’ve always assumed I am on the Autism spectrum but health care is difficult in this country and I just never had the time or money to get a proper diagnosis. But regardless I want us both to just BE, to do what makes us happy and continue to move forward and do our best in this crazy world!

Melancholy Marionette271 days ago(+1)

That makes me even more excited to see what happens with Alouette!! I definitely need to take some time off after the yan jams to play your demo. I absolutely adore those sorts of psychological aspects in things :3 That’s so adorable though to wear a divers helmet as a mask x3 But yeah, I guess you’re right that not many people ever know themselves. It’s kind of hard to have the opportunity to even find yourself when you’re sorta pushed into society so young and told you’ve gotta do and be X, Y, and Z >.< It’s like you don’t even get a chance to breathe cos you’ve got your orders and you just have to get on with that, haha.

I was recently given a resource on connecting with yourself better by the ASD group, and it’s like an exercise that you’re supposed to fill out once a week for a few weeks without giving it too much thought. It’s split into like different categories and you’re supposed to define yourself and your interests to different groups. So like, think of your family, then list the things that are important to you in order of how important they are when you’re appearing to them. Do the same with friends. Again with strangers. And then finally when thinking about there being no one there at all to judge you, just listing what you consider most important about yourself and what you do/would like to do with no one watching.

Supposedly, by the time you’ve filled it out a few times, you should have a better idea of what your core self actually values the most and what you put more value on for the sake of appearances/impressing others.

Haha, that would not surprise me at all if the UK is worse than the US for understanding mental health x3 Mental health in general is severely underfunded here. We have the NHS, but it’s a bit of a postcode lottery as to whether or not you can access different kinds of health services, and even if you can, the waiting lists are years along cos the demand far outstrips its capacity to serve >.<

I managed to finish the video in the end and after laughing at more of your references (Frozen - Let it go xD made me laugh out loud in bed, haha), I was also so touched by your message at the end. That was such a heartfelt speech and it made me want to give you the hugest of hugs x3 I could never do something like that off of the top of my head because I’d fumble all my words and it would just come out wrong >.< But yeah, it was just so open, honest, and heartwarming to hear, not to mention brave to speak about that sort of stuff!

And then when you signed off saying get some sleep, get some proper sleep, I couldn’t help but laugh again cos it was around 4am when I finished watching so it just felt like I was being chided by a mother or something x3 But yeah, I have many fuzzies from all your kind words and wisdom! And like I said, you’re just such a bright light shining with warmth and positivity :3 If I had more time, I would watch every single one of your videos cos they’re so cozy and comforting x3

I didn’t know Your Game did a video too :o Even though I’m subscribed to them on YouTube >.< I swear my YouTube dashboard is useless, haha. It does sometimes show me your new videos & videos from others I’m subbed to, but mainly it’s just plastered with irrelevant recommendations >.>

That does suck that it’s difficult to even attempt to pursue a diagnosis. I’ve heard that a lot of people out there now just kinda take it as a given if they look into a lot of stuff on ASD and feel like it fits because it’s too awkward to actually get diagnosed. I guess at least it didn’t cost money over here, but yeah, it was a loooong time >.< I totally agree though that the best thing is to just be :3

That’s what’s been so nice about the support sessions I’ve been going to because they understand us and the room just feels like a completely safe space to actually be yourself without judgement! They keep telling us to try and do our best to drop the masks and such and just be ourselves, whatever that entails. Which is easier said than done, haha. But it does feel like they’ve created an environment at least where it does feel okay to just be. If everywhere were like that, life would be so much easier! As some of the charities over here say, mental health stuff and things like ASD aren’t always necessarily disabilities, it’s society that does the disabling.

But yeah, all we can do is keep going :3 And as you say, just try to do our best and do the things that make us happy in the process ^-^

Espoir Du Vide226 days ago(+1)

Sorry it took so long for me to respond!! I had to read this slowly.

I do want to try out that ASD exercise, even though I haven't been officially diagnosed, I think it would help.

Thank you for watching my video, I'm so glad it made you smile!! I'm really bad at writing scripts and don't like how I sound reading them, so when I go off on a rant like that I worry that it sounds unclear and messy, but it's my honest words (I do have to pause every few minutes to think and I just cut that out in editing).

And I do mean that about proper sleep, it heals your body so much (as I also say that to myself).

I can't wait to play more of your amazing games! I already have Yandere Heaven on my "to play" list!

Melancholy Marionette203 days ago(+1)

You don’t need to apologise :3 I’m currently waaaaay behind on everything as usual x3

I don’t think it sounded unclear or messy at all :3 It was just really sweet, sincere, and heartfelt! It would sound unclear and messy if I tried to speak my honest thoughts, and no amount of editing out pauses for my brain freezing would be able to save me xD

Yeah, I keep trying to tell my pops he needs more sleep too cos he tends to go to bed at midnight, but then has to get up around 5am for work >.< I get his reasoning for not going to bed earlier (his free time doesn’t begin until around 7pm, so he doesn’t wanna go to bed at like 10/11 and only a few hours to himself each day), but yeah, I mean, he’s clearly crazy tired cos he’s grouchy a lot of the time :( and he winds up falling asleep seconds after eating dinner in the evenings, so his body must be screaming at him for more sleep.

Hope you have fun whenever you do play! :3 Me & Lazy Polar Bear are cooking up something for this year’s otome/josei jam, but we decided to try and only get a demo/part 01 done for the jam so as not to overwork ourselves like we usually do x3

We wanted to have a chill jam for once, but things haven’t exactly been going to plan so far cos she’s got a lot of stress going on with various things and my PC died xD Hopefully, we will still manage to submit to the jam, but it seems we will never manage to have a stress-free jam >.< haha.

Hope you’re having a marvellous May so far!! ^-^

Espoir Du Vide203 days ago(+1)

AH I'm so sorry about your computer! That is always a nightmare! I can't wait to see what you come up with though!!

Hopefully you'll get a nice chill game jam, but regardless, you should put yourself first and step away if it gets too stressful! I hope you have a wonderful May as well!

itch.io

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