This isn't a bad start, the major flaw I see is you need to proofread your work a lot. in visual novels the thing that players will interact with the most is the writing, so you need to double and triple check to make sure it's done well so maybe run it through a word doc before putting it in. I noticed some place where there needed to be a space and when first meets the twins, Saeko will refer to the main character as Jay even if you change his name. I suggest in future projects try to keep the cast a bit more down since it's hard to keep track of who is who when you have ten people introduced in a short time. I'll check out Dreams of Desire and Deadmoon but when it comes to visual novels the ones that stick in my head is Tales from the Unending Void by preverteer and Ravager by 4minutewarning.