itch.io

No problem ! I can’t wait to see where this goes. I checked the tumblr. And as someone on the aroace spectrum. Can I say how refreshing it is to have a world so accepting of us. Many IF creator do include us. (Some better then other unfortunately) But this time. Your world really give me the feeling that we don’t just exist. We are integrated into the world. And an inherent part of it. Seriously the worldbuilding is so queer that it made me think about why more writers didn’t think about veering away from the more typical idea we have of marriage in fantasy/historical WIP.

So I’m following this very closely !

The beginning has me hooked. Special mention to the coding and music. It really add to the atmosphere.

I really like the worldbuilding and the lore you created. I can't wait to learn more about the order ! Some feedbacks I do have. 

WARNING SPOILER

- Found multiple small errors in pronouns or the coding sign was still next to it. There is too many for me to list. Also in many phrases there tend to be words that repeat somewhat. Not one word specifically. But for example one phrase say something and the next reuse the word, and the third phrase do the same. Not really important but something to keep in mind when you edit again.

- I regret that we don't have more choices on our MC personality or reactions. I can't be as specific as I would like cuz the stats are not there yet. But I see countless opportunity to add some choices not necessarily on what we decide to do. As ofc for plot reasons we need to take some actions. But on how we feel about it or even our view of the people around us. Like I wanted to play an MC who was basically a "first of the class" good girl who hate causing trouble and was keen on studying real hard to enter the order. So I found it weird when the apple pie accident was hinted at, as I thought that meant we were the kind to get in trouble and act up. (I think Aarne have something to do with it ? Not sure I remember correctly) Or with the tickle fight, wish we had an option to tell Hede to behave. Or even decide a part of our relationship with him/her, the fact we are friends can remain but I will be honest my MC would probably not be as close to them as the game seem to suggest. I also wish there was an options to say we made friend with other kids and have them interact with us more. 

- Inseparable from it is that despite the writing being really good. I think it drag on a lil bit as one of my strongest impression is that I spent 70% reading long text and being passive and the remaining 30% making choices that mattered. And it's not necessarily a problem but it made me feel as if this was more a book then an IF. Because of so many things being decided for us, I didn't feel strongly connected to my MC or the other characters as much as I would like. Many of our reactions and feelings seem to be set. I don't mind semi-set MC or the fact that since we are a street urchin we are going to have some wariness or other or such. I just wish we could be different flavor of it. 

- Related to all of this is that I wish we had more informations given to us. I know you probably want to keep the order a mystery as much as possible but I think foreshadowing a little more could be beneficial. The best example is when we decide to sneak out of the room. When Hede asked us if we were afraid I said "yes" because I thought we were sneaking out for real and my brainy MC would have refused outright if we had another choice. If I the reader knew it was the test then I would have take the "no" answer immediately. But then when it was revealed that we knew it was the sign of our test rather then being pleasantly surprised I was kinda more confused. Might want to make that more clear. Another thing is that the MC is supposed to be around 9? Smth so I chose the dead mom option, we were visibly old enough to remember where our family came from or have a few memories of our mother. So I assumed the MC had a very distant but still present knowledge of what life was like with her. Thus seeing my MC being hyper wary of if anyone would steal their food in the breakfast scene seemed a tiny bit off. Overall it seemed like we were a young 5 years old who had always lived in the street and didn't knew that in situations like this, it was highly unlikely, something an older 9? could have deduce easily. I just felt like the MC seemed younger then they are supposed to be presented as in general. I would expect a 8~9 that grew up in the street to have developed enough (and matured much more fast) to quickly guess that now that they are in the order rumored to do horrible thing, a decision we are told we cannot go back from. MC could guess that it's normal for them to take care of them all kids as they obviously want something back. Seeing all of that good treatment as the order taking care of it investment. After all the MC seem to have live long enough in the street to be suspicious and cynical of people intentions, and think that if they haven't killed them yet, then they want to use them or want something in exchange. Rules of the street and all.

Sorry if this is not specific enough, I'm kinda tired but be happy to give more in depth answers if you need.

You're welcome ! Don't worry and focus on your studies first, there will always be readers happy to discover your game once you come back. I will patiently wait for your future works if you ever decide to come back. Wish you well and may the god of money bless you to buy another computer !

I see a lot of potential and hope you will continue this story. English is not my first language as well but I mainly write in it. Therefore I did remarked places for improvement. Your grammar and spelling is good but all of what I will say can bring down the writing and the story or make it less appealing to readers. The main thing is that in IF most people expect the story to follow the proper convention the same way novel do. The more your work lean toward the fanfiction way of writing and storytelling the less attractive it tend to be for the majority of those readers. As many come from COG (a company that make IF and have their own engine) or are familiar with it. So all I will say can be discarded if you don't care about that audience or prefer to stick to fanfic conventions.

1 - I would advise to focus first on formatting and how to apply standard novel conventions. It is okay to use ** for an action in fanfic but absolutely not outside of it.

2 - Beware of overusing CAPITALIZE words or like someone else said ellipses. Too much of it in a phrase or paragraph can tire readers easily. Also it is better for dialogue if when someone is stuttering a lot, you don't describe in details and just do that.

ex : "I'm not sure." He stutter

Rather then.

ex : "I- I'm..n-not...su-sure."

As once that can maybe work, but multiples lines of this can make the reading less fluid. This is the same when you have to describe someone laughing. You avoid writing "HAHAHA" you just write that they laugh or cackle or chuckled, well, you got me. Make the text more smooth.

3 - I see a lot of telling and this isn't necessarily a bad thing, as IF tend to have to include a touch more of it generally. But here it make the pacing seem to rush and don't give us enough time to acclimate to our protagonist or get attached to Liam. I understand if your intention was to quickly bring the MC into the other world but I really recommend slowing down a little and developing what you got as right now. Our MC goes through quite a roller-coaster of emotions but none of what happened felt impactful for me due to all of it being undeveloped and passing in the blink of an eye. 

4 - Just a little thing I think you should be mindful of in the trigger warnings and the description of the game. Romance doesn't have to contain sex scene necessarily or sex at all. And I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone. But this a hurtful stereotype as some people are asexual and among those some do not want sex but still desire romance. That doesn't mean that your game have to cater to them, many games don't. But I would advise revising that and being more explicit about how sex scene or romance/friendship will work and if the MC will be able to be asexual (the MC already seem to be heteromantic by default but in case of the friendship route you may want to also indicate if they can be aromantic as well) so and decide to have sex or not (some asexual are okay with having it or want it, it's a complex spectrum) or if the sex scenes will be locked to the romance route ect.

I hope I have not discourage you, trust me I wouldn't write such a long comment if I didn't see the potential your story and game has. I like your humor and can't wait to see your writing style grow as it sound really friendly and all it need is a bit of polished. Keep up the good work !