Well done. First and foremost wanted to say, that I will absolutely support this, gonna jump into the kickstarter now and already cant wait for the announced book.
The characters are wildly interesting and likeable, they are interconnected with one another and the world, something I really enjoyed and the overall story kept me engaged throghout.
It is absolutely worth a read, great entertainment and the fact that it is mainly free, as it is at least, is smindblowing.
With that out of the way, I wanted to get out my negative thoughts out there as well, considering you said you will be doing rewrites and aditions (I cant wait for more date time with Hazel) and I wanted to get my two cents out there before that is all done in hopes to maybe assuage some of the things I found not entirely satisfactory.
I only did Hazel's route so far, tho I do plan other runs, but my experience is only from what I could see there, so obviously I dont have all the answers, if anything I have issues with is expanded upon in other routes or options I havnt picked feel free to ignore me there.
So lets start with Hazel, and honestly I only have one issue. One issue and one question. Question first. Who was the frog like guy from the very begining at the beach? It was a short interaction that Im sure is meant to show how she is being bullied before we get to know her, but it was also kinda unpleasant and implicated that Hazel knew the guy intimately, it doesnt really feel like that is someone Hazel would know, much less in that kind of way and I later on just dismissed it as annoying creep being annoying creep, but I still half expected him to show up again or be able to ask Hazel about that as there was clear implications that they did know each other. Is that the case? Obviously Hazel had life before us, could be the guy was even her boyfriend at one time before he was all gross and annoying, who knows, I just personally dont like things like these being left unanswered, they have a nasty tendencey to stay in my head.
My issue is with the Caliban scene, which leads to the "break up"? I dont know if to call it one or not. Dont get me wrong, I get why she didnt want to go, even beyond just not wanting to go out in general and why it had affected her, being a victim of abuse herself.
But it just feels so stupid as it is, really rather selfish too and if this is all it takes to essentially end the relationship, or deestablish it to such a degree, it certainly doesnt seem like it could last very long. Our character is out there all the time, risking his life for something he was barely a part of, he didnt want to go either, Caliban was his friend, someone Hazel didnt even know, he absolutely wanted her support there and it hardly feels fair that he got into trouble for asking for it. In the end, she still decided to go on her own, she still was very much detached from it due to not knowing Caliban or the situation, and it led to such a huge distancing on her part, for seemingly quite long time and through some very painful and unpleasant things that happened to our character. Our pain and situation seemed incredily unimportant, we simply shouldnt have taken her and that was that.
I understand this was very trying time for her but our character tried to be there for her at all times, offered to help with everything including the spell despite what happened and for reasons that I certainly did not feel whatsoever, our character was sorry and apologetic, for simply wanting support from a loved one in something that was genuinely hard to go through alone. I did not want to cause Hazel an hurt, but her hurt certainly took presedence over anything that happened to us and that just doesnt feel right. We find out we are literally dying but her personal issue is still enough to keep her away..? What the heck... She even found out that Malcolm was able to come back thanks to us, and that still isnt enough? Not a word of comfort or assurance when we go see the baron of the mists, the person she is most affraid of could kill us at a moments notice? All that we have gone through, all that have happened, and us urging her for help in something unpleasant, but has no stake in, is all it takes to rock the relationship to its core? Make her cold and distant through some incredibly tough times for our character? And we are supposed to be sorry?
Worse yet, it isnt even dependant on the choice you make. I feel like this should be like this, she is pissed if you take Caliban back to Odin, regardless of if she is there or not and isnt even if you asked to go but freed him because that is really what matters (tho she could still be a bit colder for a bit for "making" her go). Her excuse of, you were supposed to immidiately say no, is not only something I immidiately decided to do, but there was never any option to actually voice that, but could also very directly put is into life threatening danger as our character rightly points out. The way it is written just feels out of nowhere, so self centered and so prolonged for what appears to be just incredibly little.
And again, worse yet, it doesnt even lead to anything. The last difference in text that I noticed was that she was still wanting to leave room our character was in even after Malcom was summoned, I genuinely thought at that poin that this was it, that this was all it took for it to just be over with barely a discussion and our character being sorry the whole time. And then, it just dissapears, again, without a discussion without any sort of emotional reconnection, we never even really get to understand or see from her point of view, why exactly was this such a big deal to her, because it still doesnt feel like it should, not to the point it was. It didnt affect anything, other than her behavior towards you for what seemed to me like quite the extended period of time, I thought maybe if we didnt ask her to come we would be at the ritual and make it easier on her or something, but there is nothing there.
As it is, it is simply too much for too unexplained little, that doesnt lead to anything and doesnt have any clear endpoint. Like I said, I thought I just picked the "bad end" flag and was genuinely lost on why this was supposed to be it, I was fully expecting some sort of conversation over this before things got right again, but it just stopped, out of nowhere, I was reliefed when she suddenly just liked me again, but it decidedly left a sour taste in my mouth, it didnt feel like something Hazel would do, it felt cruel and cold and unfair and it cetainly wasnt worth it as is.
I hope I got my thoughts through properly, I wouldnt want this to go away, its probably an important part of her route and there should be some drama, I just think it should be adjusted to actually make sense with our decisions and to lead to an actual conversation that clears up the situation. Just feels like drama for drama's sake at the moment unless im really missing something.
Comparatively it feels like if you pushed your loved one away because they hit your sore spot (which they barely even knew about and did obviously without meaning it) but you continue holding on a grudge and keep acting like they hurt you and deserve it while they are running around risking their life, finding out they had cancer and the world is about to end, like at what point do you just get over it, have a conversation so you can both move on and support each other again.
Otherwise and this is barely a blemish on the pleasantness and cudliness that is Hazel, her route was pure fantasy, she is quite literally the dream.
Three small issues now before the ending, this should be quick.
Please fix the pronouns, we get to pick who we are, we shouldnt be refered to as they, it immidiately takes me out of any conversation, because I am singular person, not multiple. This is also a written format, it shouldnt be hard to add variables based on gender selected, I feel like it was that way in the early chapters and just stopped later on. Not a big deal, just annoying.
Maybe try to find a way to introduce some more ways of actually letting us sculpt our character? Their emotional state and personality. This is a great IF but it often manages to break one of IF's most strict rules, taking the power out of players hands, letting the character be someone we dont want. I already alluded to it with the Hazel issue but if there is something we should be obviously allowed to think, feel, or say, we should be able to do so, especially in big moments and our character shouldnt be as "defined" as it is without our input so often.
Now, the descriptions, and please do not take this the wrong way, your world is lovely, vibrant and colorful, I have no doubt it is something you worked incredibly hard on and your passion shows through in everything. Unfortunately, it is just too much, at least for me. The descriptions are simply too wordy, too cumbersome, I am not a native speaker, so I often had to go and look for the meaning of the words and even with it, the descriptions do not put a picture in to my mind, only strain it as I try to fit what was written into what it could possibly be like. I think I have a vivid imagination and I absolutely love reading and using said imagination to put life to those words, but I found myself glazing over quite a few of the descriptor lines later on, there is simply too much of it.
And yea, now the ending, both of my mini "review/rant" and also a point about your ending... Just that it kinda isnt one, the story doesnt really end as much as just stops. I understand that there is another book in the works but even so, this isnt a cliffhanger, its just a cliffdrop, the conversations with Milo at the end barely feel like they actually enlighten us on anything and the surprise villain is really a surprise, as in, who the hell even is that and what was supposed to be happening here and why. Very little is actually explained and it just doesnt feel like a wrap on just about anything.
Anyway, thats me done, hope someone actually reads this. Fantastic read and I cant wait for the steam version to be out, thank you so much for putting this together, for all your hard work and for letting us enjoy it, all the best.