Spoilers:
Theme: Expanding worldview or something?
Story: One part the writer looking for inspiration, one part a horny hookup, one part the story to an action movie where the normal everyday man is pulled in by being in at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I think ending with what's the beginning to a larger narrative kinda blueballs the work--I think you would have maybe been better served with like, Colton abandoning the protagonist in the hotel overnight (with a note perhaps).
I think your smut was well done though.
The voice is pretty consistent overall, and the tension is ever present.
Presentation: Okay, there's a lot of small things that add up here.
No music.
Misattribution of dialog tags that should have been caught beta testing.
Backgrounds that don't get replaced when tehy should.
Describing things we can see on the screen without enough flavor changes.
I appreciated the custom sprites and backgrounds when appropriate, but when we're seeing them past when we should it makes them stand out for the wrong reasons.
Creativity: It feels like the start of an action movie, although the pacing is a bit off. Writers on writing though... aough. Still a fun conceptual romp.
Overall Thoughts: With some smoothing of the rough edges and another pass, this could be pretty good, but there's a lot of missed opportunities like no jazz music playing in a jazz club (let alone any music at all).
Also ending with the start of the bulk of the narrative is a good trailer tease, but not quite for a stand alone work.
Solid attempt though.