The first in the JMJerbear's MAY WOLF trio and a good effort at making a complete FVN.
There is a respectable foundation here. The writing ability is decent. The custom art is nice and much appreciated. The music is fitting and appropriate.
I'm not sure if I can tell you anything that hasn't already been said. There needs to be more of a forward thrust that makes the reader feel like they are progressing through the story. I could parrot the usual "show don't tell", but I personally like to call it "dramatize vs. summarize". Summarizing isn't necessarily bad, but it isn't interesting. It's a tool. Drama is what the people love.
I'm probably tardy to the party with that advise, but I can see a whole lot of potential here. Interested to see how your other entries shape-up.