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It's a lengthy comment, but I hope this feedback helps a little. The short version is this: line art and general story pacing are very solid, but you can still improve your coloring/shading and certain story elements might require more thought in the future.



The line art all looks very solid to me, but some of the coloring could be improved for the characters because most of the colors are still rather flat. Like Dylus only having one shade of purple, for instance (aside from shading). It kind of looks like the colors were filled in with a paint bucket tool because of that. I understand that this simpler look is a stylistic choice in a way, but you could still benefit from looking at other furry artists and how they draw things like fur. 

 A related thing about the art is shading. Light not only creates shadows, but also leaves highlights on the objects themselves. You can think of this as a kind of reverse shadow, where light is reflected back when it hits an object, leaving a slightly brighter spot. There's plenty of tutorials on how to capture this in art. In short, I think the fundamentals are all good but you could still improve your coloring.

About the writing. There's the grammar problems that others have already pointed out. You said you already have someone looking at that, though, so that's good! I'm only bringing it up to say that I might have misunderstood some parts because of it. So if my comments don't make sense or if you disagree with them, that could be why.

Something I really like is that you don't overload the reader with information. There are times when James reads about history or one of the characters explains it to him, but those are spaced out enough not to be jarring. Well done! The same goes for things like character backstories and other important revelations. This aspect of pacing is something you're clearly good at!


MINOR SPOILERS

The biggest point of improvement I can offer is that you should think through what your characters would realistically (be able to) do. I do need to stress that there's no need to change what's already there! It's advice going forward, and there's no need to go back and rewrite everything. Some examples:

  • James holds his own in a sword fight while only having practiced martial arts in hand to hand (as far as I know). Sure, he loses to Thorin, but the story builds up his eventual duel opponent as if James would easily beat almost every other fighter. The inclusion of the training scene makes this a little better, but I still think having him engage in such high stakes sword combat this early might not have been a good choice.
  • At some point, James exercises by doing (I think) hundreds of push ups and pull ups in one go. This is humanly possible, but James wasn't portrayed as a professional athlete before. I always got the impression it was more of a hobby to him. Combined with his skill in sword fighting, it makes him look unreasonably overpowered. And if he does turn out to be a professional athlete, as is implied by him studying PE and martial arts, then it doesn't come up adequately. Professional sports shape your entire life, yet James still eats pizza and only exercises occasionally. You don't have to describe every time he trains, of course not, but it should be more clear that it's a major part of his life. Also, a smaller note, push ups are much easier than pull ups while the scene implies they are equally challenging.
  • James somehow knows the surface area of the earth off the top of his head. While this does lead to an amusing scene where he realizes wolves don't measure in kilometers, it's not really believable and could have been handled better. More importantly, giving the surface area of the earth has little practical meaning so there's hardly any reason to mention it here. Having the characters talk about the differences between their worlds is good and interesting, but it should be believable and involve more than a single number. Dylus gives things like the number of continents for his world, but James does nothing like that (not at that moment, at least).

But like I said, these aren't jarring problems that need to be fixed immediately. It just became somewhat of a pattern which you might want to look into for future chapters. 

Another issue I noticed is that some important events seem to be forgotten rather quickly. Dylus doesn't seem to care particularly much that James broke into his home, for example. It's pretty much ignored once their initial fight is over. I can understand if you want a scene where Dylus is the first to meet James and after that introduces him to the others, but this might not have been the best approach for that. Another option is to still have James break in without it resulting in a fight (because the fight kind of was about a misunderstanding in the first place). Another thing is that James' stomach wound doesn't get as much attention as it might deserve. While he does talk about the moment where he felt like he got stabbed, they all quickly dismiss it by claiming that Dilefor probably would have done something worse by now. While that's a reasonable expectation, it's contradicted by James' wound because it wouldn't be there for no reason. They don't even consider why this happened to James in particular, or why it happened so soon after he got here. I think it would make more sense if it's such a serious subject that they just don't want to talk about it. The way it's written now almost trivializes it.

This again comes down to thinking about what your characters would realistically do. It's great that you build up Dilefor's threat level like this, but you can't forget that the characters' reaction to his possible return can make it much more impactful. I'm not sure how seriously they take him at this point. But like I said, there's no need to go back and change this. Just make sure you keep issues like this in mind for future builds.

Hey thank ya so much for the time ya dedicated to read the vn so far. I see your point in the art style and I'm trying to get better, my style it's like a anime and cartoon mixture, so im trying to make it look better and recently trying do a more layer for the shading part. Has for the grammar thank ya for understanding, I've done big check and even are correcting some early mistakes from build one and adding things I jumped a thing do to having classes at the time of some builds. I'm happy ya liking the pacing so far, I decided to have this figth to also had a bit of backstory not just for James, but the world building lore and individual characters too, because having the protagonist always read the information in books would be tideous for the reader and too had a bit of tension to the plot, Also thank yes ya are right I should demontrate how James trains everyday and migh start doing now like ya suggested, I added the pizza and burger part, to be they discovering human foods and have a good time with friends :3. And yes too James knowing that now sounds kinda funny haha, I will change that for sure xD and I didn't mention all the continents on Earth cuz i didn't find the need to add that but I can always do that. About the stomach thing, SPOILER ALERT- that was supposed to be a promonition of the future- Their first meet I kinda rush the things a bit, as I said earlier about thinking of the plot can be hard do to exterior problems xp but yeah was a bit rushed, and don't wory more of the bad guy treat will be explore in future builds :3, but this one another problem might happen ;3

Yes, of course. Just to be clear, I totally understand what you're doing and why! I think your ideas are all good and I can see why they're in there. It's just the fine tuning of how to implement them that could be improved for future builds. 

Like James having a lighthearted meal with friends while introducing them to human food. Good idea, but would pizza really be the thing he'd choose as a somewhat professional martial artist? Or perhaps he could only give them pizza while clearly stating that he's not eating any because of his strict diet or something (or did he already do something like that? I can't remember). 

Same for using the upcoming duel as a method to introduce more backstory and lore while also building up tension. Good idea, but why a sword fight instead of boxing or wrestling? Both kinds of duels would make sense in this setting but the second one gives James more of a realistic chance.

Having a premonition to introduce the villain and add some mystery is also a good idea. But you should think about how this affects the characters at that moment.


I'm sure you get the point by now. Your ideas are good, but you could think a bit more about how exactly to implement them the best. Again, no need to change things you've already sunk tons of effort into! (aside from the small/easy issues, maybe). I'm not saying that you have to do this and that to make it better or anything like that. My advice would just be to explore the options you have for implementing each idea and then choose the one that fits best with the characters and setting.


Oh, and don't overwork yourself. We all understand the struggle of balancing school/work with hobbies. There's no need to rush or stress yourself out.

Thank ya, comments like this make me happy, all the support it's helpfull, I want to bring a good story at same time I do something different in the furry visual novels :3, I appreciate all the time y dedicated reading and writting this comments, and good news im almost finishing writting the scritp in vsc, just the sound effects, some music and 2 arts left for it to be done after checking any mistakes ;3 and don't worry i like to read what people think of the story and would like to here what are your theories so far if ya have any ofc.