I do really like what you are trying to do here, However i really did have to turn the volume down because its quite loud, and I can hear a bit of clipping in the audio that I do not know if it is intentional or not. I liked most of your sound choices you worked with here, but the bass can sometimes get heavy in a way that combined with the volume issue i had made it feel exceedingly muddy.
That being said, again I did really enjoy this and the concept behind it. I think especially that breath cutting everything off was a cool detail, and this piece is full of things like that!