Hey there. So I recently tried this Kinetic Novel and I liked it for the most part.
It is very derivative of the AVN 'My New Family' by Killer7, I think you have even referenced it. Although I personally think that 'My New Family' is superior to this AVN. Sorry.
I did like the part with Kylie being 'SavageMage' and the MC being 'Gothril' though! I have a pretty strong protective instinct, so playing on that a bit got me hooked pretty early on.
I also prefer Kinetic Novels to AVNs, so you have that in your favour too. I think AVNs rely too much on choices that dont really do anything, except for allowing a player to skip or see a lewd. Very few AVNs actually include meaningful choices in their stories, by meaningful choices I mean choices that actually change the plot.
If you've ever played an old style pick a path adventure book, like the Warlock of Firetop Mountain, then you know what I mean.
KNs dispense with that illusion of choice completely, I appreciate that honesty.
On the other hand I think you were rushing a lot of your story. I think the characters barely had time to breathe before they were jumping into bed with the MC...