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Toastmortem25 days ago

Concepts & Originality 4/5

The premise is neat. I like the choice of faction/perspective; I like the lead character; I like the lizard temple robots. Very neat and fun idea. There were just points where I wasn't sure what exactly was going on or why it was happening (such as the final imprisonment and the gemstone wife?)

Flow & Clarity 1/5

I'd like to echo The Last Omnitect, who broke it down far better than I could. Apologies if a 1/5 seems overly harsh, I've just been grading this category pretty strictly overall. The bones of the story are good;  at its core the prose itself isn't bad and the ideas are great. Some quick editing to correct run-on sentences and clean up grammatical mistakes would do wonders to help the story flow and improve clarity.

Adherence to Theme 4/5

The use of old temple ruins to make bio-mechanical mechs is cool and creative. Love that.

If you want to discuss any of my feedback/ratings further, feel free to @ me on the OPR discord.

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Fenneca Apologetica21 days ago

Thank you for commenting! 

One thing that I have begun to realize recently is that there is a lot of clarity that I am forgetting to incorporate when wanting to tell information. 

- For starters, I probably should've made clearer that this was set in AOF, and that the humans were part of the Vinci faction.

-  I dropped some names about a Vinci scholar and academy who's mission was to be one with the automa they create (robots powered by the mindstone/gemstones), implying that the human with the mindstone "wife" had also bought in into this ideology. all of this was really obscure information from the vinci faction book that I shouldn't had brought in without explanation. 

- In the ending, I had wanted to imply that Xochi was on a ritualistic walk up onto an "altar" where she too would be made into a golem (as was with the human, and with the chameleoon looking 'golem' Xochi saw), although it seems that it kinda just felt like she was going on an infinite walk upstairs.

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