I do enjoy the "zoomed out" telling of this story- its much easier to fit more "happenings" in a story like this than one that tries to break into back and forth dialog. That being said, it still suffers a little bit (although less than I would have expected) from telling not showing- especially at the end. Maybe you could have woven in more threads of 'unspoken drama?' Still, as short as it was, it was a VERY easy read and that goes a long way. I advise not using paragraph indents in this format but well done =)