Post by Solifugae in Love Monsters and Order comments

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1. Love the style and the premise. Also love the option of dire serpents as PC. I wish there were insects or arachnids as well, but that's a fairly exotic option and I don't really expect it to come up.

2. The leveling system is a bit strange - the best way to level up seems to be staying in the starting tavern, picking flowers and beating up goblins. Each flower costs 2 points, each shoe also costs 2. As goblins are the easiest enemies, it is by far the most efficient method.

3. An occultist PC doesn't seems to start with any spells. It might be a good idea to add different starting skills to different classes.

4. There seems to be a lot of missing commas, especially before PC's name. When addressing someone, there should be a comma before or after a name.

"Hi, %name%" and "%name%, hi". These are most frequently missing.

Sometimes the descriptions - such as the prologue - read smoothly, sometimes they seem choppy. I suggest you find an auxiliary writer/beta. I assume the text will be polished as the development goes along.

5. "Length" is simply not a good word, it's very reminiscent of paperback romance novels. It's better than "manhood" or "knob", but still. Please consider just using "dick". //Edit: a matter of taste, I admit. I will probably get used to it.

6. Here's to hoping a skeleton romance will be possible.

//Edit2:

7. After Fenn agreed to help Lyra, I got her a room, and went to temple, somehow there's a scene where Darzakk is helping Lyra instead, and it's a looped conversation.

Draite4 years ago

1. Maybe in the future. It's relatively easy for me to add new races at the moment. Though that'll be more difficult if I add some other features I've been considering.

2. That's largely because I haven't fleshed out more encounters. It's intentionally easy to level at the moment because the game is in beta and buggy. Saves might end up bugged, crashes and loss of progress are very possible. So you can just pick flowers freely if you don't mind taking a little time to grind.

3. Occultist isn't a starting class. Which is probably a little weird. Your starting 'class' is actually defined by your race. Your job and personality work like traits in Divinity or background in D&D. They provide unique dialogue options and that's about it.

4. I'll look into the comma issue. I can't afford a beta writer though so this is what people get. I'm doing all the art, writing and coding on my own so although I'd love to have thing really polished, but it's just not likely going to happen. I will always go through and edit things when they're brought to my attention though!

5. Sorry, that's one thing I likely won't change. Porn writing sucks. There's no good word for penis or vagina, period. No acceptions. Dick and Cock create a harsh consonant sound in the middle of a sentence which I find distracting. It just breaks the flow. Like you said, knob and manhood are just weird. Etc. So Length and Shaft are going to be the most common for me to use. But I'm not happy about any option tbh. \o/

6. You can count on it.

7. That's a bug I'll have fixed in the next build. I put in the wrong name in one tiny place and now that whole sequence is borked.

Thanks so much for all the feedback! This is really help and I greatly appreciate it! ^^

Solifugae4 years ago

And thanks to you for answering! I'm very excited re: 6 in particular. My sympathies re: 5. Yeah, I've been there.

I'm very tempted to volunteer some help with writing, but I'm not a native English speaker, even if my grammar is pretty decent, so I'm not sure whether you'd want it (or any help at all, for that matter).

Draite4 years ago

I'm always very grateful for edits/corrections if people are willing to take the time. If you see any weird grammar or spelling issues just throw me a screenshot or the original line and a correction. I'll do my best to get them in! I do feel guilty accepting the free labor but I'm also not going to turn it down.

Deleted post4 years ago

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Solifugae4 years ago(+1)

Draite4 years ago

Thanks so much! This is a huge help. I just got done making the changes, so they should be live for the next update!

I'm always happy to have any suggestions or content. If you want to submit anything like that you can do so https://forms.gle/x1bMVgS5Xnw1GZGD9
I can't promise that I'll put everything that's sent in but I'm always open to more flavor text and personalization!

Thank you again for taking so much time to do these edits. This seriously helps a ton! I know I waffled a lot on the tense during the beginning especially but I'm gonna try to be more attentive about staying in present tense going forward.

Solifugae4 years ago(+1)

Draite4 years ago

Thanks so much for the edits and critique. I've made a bunch of updates now that should help with some of the flow issues. I've also corrected several of the typos. I've had a bit of a week though so I'll probably go through again once I have some fresh eyes and a clear head. This is definitely making me more aware of how repetitive my speech patterns are, I'll have to be more aware of that going forward.

The dialogue on the left of the inventory screen is purely there for beta testing. It won't be there in the final build, so for now it's safe to ignore. I'm also fairly sure I've fixed the text positioning bug, so that should be good in the next build. (That said, text overlap will still get a little weird depending on the character's name)

I don't currently have any other way to handle submissions unfortunately. Google is just the cleanest way for me to keep things organized, accessible and make sure anyone submitting knows exactly what they're getting into. I can look into setting up an alternative but my preference would be to stick with the google doc submissions. I have considered a Discord server to allow submissions, critiques and edits all in one place. I'm very hesitant about it though because I don't want to have to moderate the place. If I do create another place for submissions I'll be sure to post an announcement about it.

Thanks again for all the help and I'm looking forward to the next edit!

Solifugae4 years ago

A few things have come up, so the next edit will be at a later date. I apologize for that, but it's outside my control. I've started to slowly work my way through the remaining prologue, but it's taking longer than expected. Purely grammatical edits are fast enough, but for style/rephrasing I need to dedicate more contemplation than I'm currently able to. I'm holding out to the next weekend/Friday.

I'm also grateful that you take critique and advice. You have an distinctive style that bears polishing - after some conscious practice it will be very interesting. Definitely double-check any and all my suggestions in case of doubt and/or rewrite my edits as you see fit.

On a parting note, I would like to say that to the best of my knowledge, Discord servers are incredibly prone to degenerating into a clique-like mess on the best of days. With NSFW added, it might collapse even sooner. So, my advice is to not, but if you do, vet your mods religiously.

TL;DR: life busy, edits later, discord is true to its name.

itch.io

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