Your pitch is a sentence long. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if I make a suggestion I’ve basically written your entire pitch for you. ;) In my eyes it’s important that one finds their own voice for these kinds of things.
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As long as you don’t overdo it, you can always ask your friends for feedback - especially if it’s not much to read. As long as they don’t say something along the lines of “Yeah, that sounds good…” their opinions will give you a better idea what works and what doesn’t.
… You might also find out which of your friends are terrible liars. ;)