As a fellow erotic Twine game maker, I salute you! I think you have a good foundation but there are consistent grammatical tense issues where present tense and past tense need to be standardized. I actually think your team shines more in the characterizations department while you should get an editor/proofreader (or maybe more than one) to comb over what you have thus far and do some redlining. I think that would strengthen the game quite a bit.