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manonamora2 years ago

I am a bit conflicted about this submission compared to other ones. First of all, congrats on creating an IF game in a month! 

The synopsis of the game was enticing and really made me intrigued. There seems to be a lot of potential with the story you want to tell, but it's blurb also gave me an impression that was not matching the game itself. You do note that this is the first part of a demo that you want to explore further in the future, and the game surely feels that way. The abrupt end did not feel as earned as a cliffhanger in my point of view. I think a longer narrative was needed a bit more to truly feel it.

Speaking of narrative, I am not sure the first-person view helps the story. It's not uncommon to have that first-person instead of you but I am not sure it fits here...
This is especially weird with that first passage being in the third person. It kinda felt like two different ideas mashed together. Maybe a change in the UI design could have helped a bit (use of italics, or different background, etc...) in making the distinction between the introduction of the theme and the actual story.

I am not really sure why the characters introducing their pronouns right away helps the narrative in any way. Maybe you could describe how the MC sees the person and they imply their pronouns (or have the option to ask) or tell the reader without having it in the conversation (i.e. use the pronouns directly).

Now, there were a few bugs that really broke the experience for me:

  • the heir met a prince/princess -> should have been a choice/cycling option?
  • Name this isn’t funny. / name if you dont pick -> wasn't coded
  • I almost let myself believe that Drew pronoun cares. / what Drew pronoun is/are saying.=> not coded
  • Random arrows (->) in front of choices
  • The formatting of the drop-down boxes to choose the pronouns.

Good start, still! (I hope you don't feel like this is too much a critique rather than comments to help you guys)

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DuckDuckGrem2 years ago(+1)

(It's all good, I think these are helpful comments!) 

Thank you for pointing out the bugs. We are aware of some of them, and it's something we're planning to amend after the jam with a larger update to fix a bit of the content and greatly change the UI (and lack thereof).

To that end, I completely agree with what you had to say about the use of italics or some other visual marker to help separate different aspects of the story, where the POV changes a bit. That's something we plan to add in the first update. 

I think we're probably going to keep the setup of introducing characters with their names + pronouns. To an extent, it's an indicator of how people treat names & pronouns in this world (i.e. being commonplace for individuals to introduce themselves with both). I appreciate the feedback though, and we might play around with the idea of having it on nametags for characters you meet on the job or having other, more integrated reveals. 

As for the blurb vs the game content & the use of theme, I think what you said is a fair critique. I think the synopsis we wrote might match the overall story we have planned more than what we were able to publish for the jam. For the cliffhangers, I can see how their abruptness might not be satisfying versus a cliffhanger to a longer story that was more fleshed out. I think that was also a result of having a longer story idea in mind that we weren't able to publish in full for the jam. 

Nevertheless! I appreciate you checking out our game and taking the time to give us feedback :) I hope if you check it out in the future when it's finished, it'll fulfill the intrigue of the synopsis and have an overall more satisfying end!

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