Skip to main content

On Sale: GamesAssetsToolsTabletopComics
Indie game storeFree gamesFun gamesHorror games
Game developmentAssetsComics
SalesBundles
Jobs
TagsGame Engines
(+1)

You do a good job depicting the action, and using the present tense helps develop a real sense of immediacy. You also used the present tense very consistently--good job! That's easy to mess up.

The second "paragraph" (the dialogue between Laurel and Evander) was difficult to follow; adding lines between the speakers, and perhaps a few more speech tags, would have helped. I had to go back a few times and reread before I understood who was speaking each line.

But you did a great job keeping the tension up, and having the forest actually help her out was a nice touch!

Glad you liked it. 
Thanks for the feedback on the dialogue.