Play book
Risk Aversion's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Concept & Originality | #29 | 3.410 | 3.538 |
| Flow & Clarity | #29 | 2.780 | 2.885 |
| Adherence to the Theme | #33 | 2.224 | 2.308 |
| Overall | #33 | 2.804 | 2.910 |
Ranked from 26 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
I enjoyed the fast pace and present tense that this story was written in, it leant itself well to the rapid tone of battle and flight. The character of Laurel and her familiar Wisp were also quite enjoyable.
I do feel like this could do with a bit of a additional draft here and there just to help the flow a little bit, and I do confess that I do not openly see the connection to the theme. So maybe a tad of clarification on that would work?
That point aside, I enjoyed it quite a bit!
Like the story, like the character especially. Most stories are written in the past tense, so it's unusual to see one written in the present.
I enjoyed this story, and really liked the twist of her being the last sacrifice and the spear appearing on the tree.
but it was a little hard to follow and tell who was doing what.
You do a good job depicting the action, and using the present tense helps develop a real sense of immediacy. You also used the present tense very consistently--good job! That's easy to mess up.
The second "paragraph" (the dialogue between Laurel and Evander) was difficult to follow; adding lines between the speakers, and perhaps a few more speech tags, would have helped. I had to go back a few times and reread before I understood who was speaking each line.
But you did a great job keeping the tension up, and having the forest actually help her out was a nice touch!
Glad you liked it.
Thanks for the feedback on the dialogue.
I wasn't sure how the story used the idea of reflection, as it doesn't really show up in metaphor or imagery. It also seemed to have a very rushed pace; I wasn't entirely clear on the transitions between points of action.
I was attempting the reflection in her life...as well as at the end of the story. (clearly could be done better :) )
As for the rushed pace, I think I tried to cram too much plot into a short story...
AND definitely thanks for the feedback, helps me to improve for next time.