I really liked your idea with the narrative. I think going beyond the 2-week window we had, this story has wonderful potential and can be very impactful. I would love to see more of the other characters mentioned and their stories/how they relate to the character we saw.
I think having stronger gameplay and level design would go a long way to having a cohesive experience. Beyond the art that was there (which I liked and thought was cute, I always love hand drawn art) I thought it was a bit bland looking which took away from the end result. I think the pictures should have been bigger (show off that art!) cause they were kinda small and the text showing after picking up a picture could have been in the textbox that autoscrolled cause it was a bit tiny.
Some lovely ideas in here!