An excellent update! I'm loving the clues system and sniffing them down. I'm also VERY intrigued by the new oddities introduced with Asriel, and eager to see what they're building up to. Papyrus, meanwhile, continues to be a steadfast sweetheart... which only has me wondering when we'll see him being dangerous. Great work!
I've been rounding up issues I note through the chapters to try and help keep everything to one fell swoop of error sweeping; I'll be posting it in a follow up comment.
Continuity:
CHP2
- On any route but the Sans route, both Sans and Ralsei end up including the note about monsters being large, leading to repetition.
CHP3
- At the beginning of the chapter, it says you grab your blankets and pillow (singular) off the bed, but when the shootout starts the pillow is on the bed. (This is extremely nitpicky, but I figure I'd put it down anyway!)
- In Papyrus' scene in Sans' route, he's described as 'familiar', but the MC didn't see Papyrus before this because they went out the back while trying to avoid Sans.
CHP4
- The music queue from the night jog scene doesn't transition properly in Papyrus' and Wingding's routes.
Typos & writing suggestions:
CHP1
"Ebott City is the second largest cities in the country."
"It's not ever quiet at night" -> never
"You're on the seventh floor and there is no fire escapeon this side of the building"
"You never touched the basket, yet somehow your in first spring here"
"On the wind you catch the sublte floral scent of your roses"
"The skyscrapers block [...] you even lose site of Mt. Ebott in the back." -> sight
"They reach high in the sky with their acromatic colors" -> achromatic
"They run the Fell Kingdom and are the largest supplies of magic crystals in all of Delta." -> supplier
"They have a kind of uniform-all members where a black suit hat" -> wear
"Each window a different a light" -> remove an a
CHP2
"She is a tall woman who laughs with her whole body and has many wrinkles on her tauny skin" -> tawny
"He's the bartender for the dayshift, whereas your the bartender for the evening shift."
"Don't don't your heart, Frisk."
"As a monster, you know he could be dangers, but when you look at him you feel no threat."
CHP3
"What're workin' on?" he asks. -> forgot 'you'
"You crack a small smile You'd love to." -> missing period
"You ask him if he'd be okay to wait for you to get changed—you camere here to run."
"The waiters wear a long-sleeved white shirt dress" -> dress shirt
"A shiver a fear slides down your spine."
"Someone in the biulding stole it, or... destroyed it?"
"What's it matter?" he asks with a frown when he notices your expression. -> should be "what's the matter"
; "what's it matter" would be more appropriate if he already knew what the problem was and was dismissing it
CHP4
"Mister Scott clearly needed someome to talk to"
"You pass many people in street" -> forgot 'the'
"You skimmy through it"
"You turn to the voice [...] crimson eyelights in a black sockets." -> remove the a
"Along with fervor desire." -> should be fervent
Continuity
CHP2
-Amended repetition.
CHP3
-Amended to "you grab your blankets and one of your pillows off the bed" so it makes sense to find one pillow still on the bed.
-OOO Really good catch. I've added a separation in this chapter now depending on if the player was on Sans route.
CHP4
-Added in the loop music to the passages. Will do a couple more tests to make sure it works.
Typos & writing suggestions:
CHP1
-cities --> city
-not ever --> never
-escapeon --> escape on
-your in --> in your
- sublte --> subtle
- site --> sight
- acromatic --> achromatic
- supplies --> suppliers
- where --> wear
- removed extra a
I love you for this. I'll keep making fixes when I get back from work, but I really really want to convey how grateful I am that you took the time out of your day to help me with this. Truly and sincerely thank you!
Typos & writing suggestions:
CHP2
tauny --> tawny
your --> you're
dayshift --> day shift
don't --> doubt
dangers --> dangerous
CHP3
added ya
added period
camere --> came
a --> of
-biulding --> building
it --> the
CH4
someome --> someone
added the
skimmy --> shimmy
removed a
fervor --> fervent
OOoo Thank you thank you thank you! This has been very very helpful.
Thank you! I'm happy you like the Clue system, it's been fun to figure out how to get it to work and coming up with things to sprinkle in. I'm still on the fence if I want to keep doing the "Your clues have been updated" every time a clue is added, or if I should remove it and leave it up to the player.
I have every intentions of adding an interlude from the monsters' perspective, so perhaps you'll get to see Papyrus getting dangerous there!
Thank you thank you! I'll take a looksie now.
In my opinion, if you're gonna have a clues page, I think the clue notif should stay! It prompts the player to check out their clues regularly and see what's changed; without the notif, it'd be easy to completely overlook the clues page. Players can still ignore it regardless, but having the notif helps lead the eye in a sense, especially for those actively interested in deeper knowledge of the game's world.
If you want to strike a balance between clarity and mystery, you could change the notif text into something more subtle. Something like 'You should remember that.' would toe that line. (That's just an example, of course; if you do change it up, feel free to make it something else and keep it a secret ;) )
Actually, checking out the clues system brought me to another error:
CHP3
- "You have some time before work.": If you check the clues page after picking one of the paths, returning to the game causes it to act as if you'd picked two paths and forces you to head to work.
