I did actually play through to the end of it, though admittedly I did skip through some parts (precisely because I wanted to see how it developed later on). I did not notice a substantial change in style. The reason I chose to use that specific section as an example was actually because it was right at the beginning: they're usually the most important lines to set tone and hook in the player, but also anyone who read my comment would be able to see that section immediately and understand its context without accidentally spoiling anything later.
I will admit I am one of those "grammar freaks", so it bothers me more than some other people. But to me, with the way it's written, these "on purpose mistakes" look more like - well, mistakes. Make those choices if you want to, certainly, and more power to you if that's your vision. But you could try checking out a style guide specifically for fiction or something like that? Maybe it won't help, but I don't see how it could hurt.
But you take feedback well, even if it's not super positive, and that's promising, so I wish you all the best for your project either way.