First of all good job with the amount of art needed for this VN. There are a lot of scenes. The art style is very charming and the kids are so cute! I LOVE the design of the little girl with the knife
Some of the interactions like when the girl is teasing the two older kids were funny.
I'm not sure if the area titles like "The shadows" are really necessary to have on screen at all times. It may have been nicer to have the main images be a little bigger and only have the area name show up for a few seconds during the transition.
Sometimes characters have their actions shown between *. I think you could make use of the narrator consistently to show these actions instead of grouping them in with the character's dialogue. For example right now you have *He turns to him quickly* in Max's dialogue. Instead it could be something like Narrator: "He turns to Max quickly" and then continue with Max's dialogue. Don't be afraid to have single lines in the narration. You don't have to completely fill the dialogue box.