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A pretty enjoyable YA fiction if that's your sort of thing. Art, worldbuilding, writing and character dynamic are all pretty well done.

My two biggest issues with this vn are:

1. Sex scene isn’t the best way to begin your story. It may lead your protagonist to be perceived as a horny nymphomaniac who’s main goal is getting laid, and while I know that’s the reason why a lot of people read fvn’s in the first place, it never the less can create a negative first impression, so that’s probably something you should not disclose about protagonist’s character for quite while.

2. I don’t like Calbex. As far as I understand knight’s duty aside from fighting is to be a good mentor to their squire yet Calbex has been neglecting both of these duties just because he is on recovery… apparently. Corwan works is ass off to become a knight yet Calbex simply doesn’t care about him or how well he becomes one, leaving his mentorhip to everyone else. He doesn't provide any mentorship, any guidance on what’s knight job is, doesn’t take any effort to encourage or discourage his passions… hell, he doesn’t provide much of an attention to hm really. I guess it’s for setting up his character arc but, like, doesn’t even higher ups demand of him to provide at least some sort of mentorship while he is recovering from injury? How is he still not in a retirement and out of the job? At this point I won’t mind if Corwan would be assigned even to Fen. Like sure, he is an ass, but at least he cares about rising good squires. Calbex, on the other hand just doesn’t.

(6 edits) (+2)

To 1: Sex Scene can the the right way to begin a story. In some Sci-Fi Universe like Battletech and even  Star Ship Trooper, Sex is a casual Thing between comrade. With the always looming thread on the horizon (plague) and focus on military and war - life is short and cheap. So the characters in this universe enjoy while they can. 

To 2: When i look on the first day you are entirely correct. After the first dinner on day one between the two, the day basicly ends with just a deal. This can be easily fixed with some extra narration. However your asssements. However its a crucial mistake by both parties not just Calbex. On day two, Calbex provide moral support. After that he is cut off by the MCs tamper tantrum. Thats my only issus with the story: Dispite all the MCs dissapponitment by the bombshell Calbex dropped at him, you dont throw a fit at your Knight!  And when Calbex called after him: "MC, wait!" the MC didnt listen. If Fen would have been the Knight, the MC would have been punished for disobyeing a direct order. The MC himself admits he acts like a child.


Fixing:  

Day 1 evening can be easily /lazily fixed if Calbex just give the MC some Files or workout routine to learn. Can be done in just a few sentences...

Day2 + 3: The Outburst by both MC and Calbex seems to be a vital part of the story and their behaviour. A little bit more dialog my help, and not the "get angry and go to bed with bad mood - refuse to eloborate" - approach. 

(2 edits) (+1)(-3)

> With the always looming thread on the horizon (plague) and focus on military and war - life is short and cheap.

This explanation still doesn’t sit right with me. Unlike Battletech, IFS’s version of future doesn’t appear to be dystopian to resort to that sort of mentality, and while the plague is definitely a problem, it isn’t crashing moon from Majora’s Mask that is going to wipe everything out inevitably.  It doesn’t help the fact that it was entirely MC’s choice to resort to military out of personal vendetta, so there is no real excuse for him to be a promiscuous slut.

And it isn’t like game adresses it as n tasteful way either. On the contrary it endorses such behavior which kinda insulting, honestly. According to it its okay to be a promiscuous slut, which is further reinforces harmful stereotypes for gay community. It either has to adress this sort of thing or left it offscreen entirely, cuz as it stands now, it just not a good look.

(On the other hand your second argument is on point and I fully agree with it)

And it isn’t like game adresses it as n tasteful way either. On the contrary it endorses such behavior which kinda insulting, honestly. According to it its okay to be a promiscuous slut, which is further reinforces harmful stereotypes for gay community. It either has to adress this sort of thing or left it offscreen entirely, cuz as it stands now, it just not a good look.

Would you kindly provide an example, pls.

For me the MC is just an 18-20 years old, who is barely out of puberty, who got surrounded by buff military furry guys, that fit exactly his liking. Of course he can barely keep his thoughts out of his gutter. Nothing to be  ashemd of.

You clearly weren't much around the military

(1 edit)

My dad was, and as much as he liked to talk about it not once he was mentioning the fact he and his boys fucked with each other in an orgy sessions.

And even if they were it doesn’t mean that a fictional story should present it as tasteless as it does.