itch.io

Thank you. I replied via email, but I'm not sure you've got it. The gift is really cool. Keep up the good work!

I've reported all the typos and problematic phrasings I found.

Page 19

Instigate their imagination. Perhaps fire, capture, or stimulate works.

Page 15:

"But you stop in fear: the cut-off heads of dark ants..."

"...trust on the ant..." in or nothing

page 14:

vociferous voice Possibly loud, clamouring, powerful?

"...he tells of the life he lead..."

"...the worst is already in the past" Consider already behind them instead.

page 13:

"...a kind of bird that seems to have no feelings."

"...steal some food for the wounded."

"A human child silently enters the kitchen..."

"...sacks some Elixir cubes." Possibly takes, steals, snatches?

"...hearing a Carcori approach, the human child .... the Elixir jar open."

"...the safe thing to do is not to fly..."

Page 10-11:

The two sides of coins are known as Heads (note the -s) and Tails.

"succeed" is written with 2 Es, and you succeed IN an action. However, my advice would be to write "...the player is successful", instead of "...the player succeeds in the action."

Instead of "In Resume", which does not make sense in English afaik, consider "In Brief", or "In a Nutshell".

Page 7:

• Commandment #2 should read "Playable...".
• Commandment #4 would be more idiomatic as "There are no levels....".

• Commandment #8 has typos in the first sentence - "Flying attracts cats immediately...."
• I would re-phrase or explain commandment #9 further. Something like "Each of the characters must have their moment in the spotlight during the adventure...."
• Commandment #10 has a syntax error - "Each point of damage..."

Page 8:

• The paragraph starting "Carcoris do not fight to the death." is repeated.