Play Short Story
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| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Enjoyment | #4 | 3.889 | 3.889 |
| Adherence to the Theme | #6 | 3.778 | 3.778 |
| Overall | #6 | 3.704 | 3.704 |
| Originality | #10 | 3.444 | 3.444 |
Ranked from 9 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
Good effort here liked the general gist in the short space but had a few problems. Your paragraphs are too long. One idea one paragraph. Why did Gabino mutter? Did he not think she was paying attention? Does he often talk to himself? Is the elf gender neutral and that is why you were using the plural pronouns? If they know nothing about the elf then not even their name then they would name the character The Elf not lower case.
I used the word mutter just because Gabino is speaking in a low voice (he's standing right over Eskiera, and is rather tired himself). I could've used 'whisper' but that would imply he's hiding something, which is not the case. The word 'sigh' would've worked, but I already used it in another part of the text.
The humans know the elf as 'Shrike', although they suspect it's a fake name. Shrike may or may not conform to (human) gender norms, but mostly it's just another aspect of their identity the humans are not aware of. So they refer to Shrike with singular they pronouns for lack of another option.
I'll look into the paragraphs! This is my forst time writing in this format.
I enjoyed the well-chosen details building characterization for the little warband. I particularily liked the one line about Eskiera's magic bringing order to chaos; presumably she's outcast for her magic, but usually 'order' is a good thing and 'chaos' is evil, so the fact that her magic is orderly hints that Eskiera isn't evil and doesn't deserve to be persecuted, without going into unnecessary detail. World- and character-building in one deft clause; I love it! The quick introduction of the civilian group right at the end intrigued me and made me want to know more, especially the goatman with an armload of scrolls (but then I've always been a sucker for beastman wizards!)
Thanks! But that wasn't necessarily what I had in mind when I wrote that line. What I wanted to convey was that, firstly, Eskiera's magic is subtle and protective in nature, and secondly, that the battle was chaotic (without going in to too much detail). The phrase was just a way to connect those two. In general, I tend to move away from the "Order=Good, Chaos=Evil" thing, it's a bit limiting. In some ways the story is about that: the outcasts are good even though they're labelled chaotic by society. The Tyrants are bad even though they exemplify order. Now, I could say the line about Eskiera's magic was a deliberate point about how Order/Chaos is a false dichotomy or whatever, but I wasn't really thinking about it when I wrote it!