Great writing and characters!
Play book
There is only survival.'s itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Adherence to the Theme | #10 | 3.864 | 3.864 |
| Overall | #22 | 3.636 | 3.636 |
| Flow & Clarity | #24 | 3.409 | 3.409 |
| Concept & Originality | #28 | 3.636 | 3.636 |
Ranked from 22 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Comments
This was an enjoyable work with a good balance between character and action. I liked the hints at the Beastmen culture and the characterization of Bakar and Doruk was well-done. I think the story would benefit if it kept strictly to Doruk's perspective - we start in Bakar's, and while we spend most of the story in Doruk's perspective there's the occasional drift back in Bakar's direction. There were some over-elaborate descriptions (e.g. "releasing their blazing cargo in spouts of flame") and the occasional jarring statement - the shaman shouldn't "mumble inaudibly", and even for a novice hunter, mistaking a horse for a rabbit is a little unbelievable - but the overall flow and tone of the work was still solid. This was a good read and I was left satisfied and curious to know how Doruk's story continues!
The rabbit comment was from the perspective of a child who had never been hunting trying to see something from afar, and like the mumble inaudibly comment, this is a human wizard seen from the perspective of a child of a race that speaks another language and creates a corollary as best he could with the use of Free Indirect Discourse. This is also why the perspective dips slightly into Bakar's. He isn't a novice hunter, he is a child. I thought things like "cub", "youngling", etc were as clear as I could make it in 1,000 words but I'll remember to clarify further going forward if I tackle these characters again.
As far as my utilization of descriptions, I think from the perspective of a child that a fireball being shot at them would create this exact feeling. I think all of your comments revolve around the same idea being that these things don't make sense to an adult character (and I can understand that) but I suggest trying to reread it and pay attention to these things from the perspective of a child who is seeing them as opposed to someone who is someone of teenage or older level.
Edit: This may have sounded angry and I wanted to stress that I did not mean it that way whatsoever. Thanks for the comments and thoughts.
It didn't come across as angry at all! In the same vein let me clarify that I offer feedback one writer to another, because that's helped me grow as an artist and I hope I can do the same for others. Thank you for taking the time to clarify the thinking behind some of your artistic choices. Allow me to clarify in turn some of my comments :)
'Mumble inaudibly' is a contradiction in terms. 'Mumbling' is something we can hear; 'inaudibly' is something we cannot hear. I'm guessing from your comment that you meant this to carry the meaning of 'mumbled unintelligibly' or 'mumbled something Doruk couldn't make out'. 'Inaudible' simply doesn't mean that.
The way I read the text, it was quite clear that Doruk was a child. I referred to him as a 'novice hunter' (and maybe I should have said "brand-new hunter") because as far as I could tell, Doruk is also at the point of "graduating" from childhood, as far as his culture is concerned. He's on his "prove I'm worth something as a hunter" field trip, isn't he? I certainly wasn't picturing him even as an adolescent, let alone a full-grown adult.
And the descriptions, specifically the "hands spilled their cargo of flame" one that I called out, didn't create the impression in me of a child struggling to understand. It's very elaborate and even poetic. From your comments you were trying to avoid plain descriptive language, so as to convey the impression that Doruk doesn't fully understand what he's seeing. To me, the poetic language used pulls in the opposite direction. That's also why I suggested you might want to sink the reader more fully in Doruk's perspective. It's easier to convey unfamiliarity, confusion, and a struggle to understand, if the reader never gets any other perspective, and therefore has to struggle a little themself to parse Doruk's immature grasp of things.
Really enjoyed this concept and approach, but found it hard to follow. Some solid character writing.
Submitted
Record of Mourndrift War
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