I only read the short version, so I'm sorry if the feedback isn't applyable to the extended version. First and formost: formating. Try making shorter paragraphs, try to not repeat the same words unless it has a meaning to the story, don't rush it too much. I feel like you could reformat this story into one that would still fit all the criteria and be easier and more enjoyable to read. But hey, it's still an interesting entry, good job.