Play book
Unexpected Discoveries's itch.io pageRate this book
Sign up with an itch.io account to rate and leave comments.
Leave a comment
Log in with itch.io to leave a comment.
Sign up with an itch.io account to rate and leave comments.
Log in with itch.io to leave a comment.
Comments
Pacing in this story was interesting. I think what might be helpful is doing what you did: writing an extended version so you have material to draw from, and then decide what is essential, what is helpful, and what is fluff. Keep the essential, add some of the helpful, and add fluff where it's interesting and adds to the story.
I only read the short version, so I'm sorry if the feedback isn't applyable to the extended version. First and formost: formating. Try making shorter paragraphs, try to not repeat the same words unless it has a meaning to the story, don't rush it too much. I feel like you could reformat this story into one that would still fit all the criteria and be easier and more enjoyable to read. But hey, it's still an interesting entry, good job.
Thank you for your constructive feedback and took your time to read :)
Much like my own story, I sense the one page squeeze was perhaps a bit too much for this story. Things lost a bit of prose and started to feel like a step by step list. That being said it was a fun attempt and I love the Starhost so was glad to have a story with them in it!
Thank you for taking your time reading this story and for you feedback. :) Yes,indeed. I needed to cutout parts just to fit into word count. It’s imperfect,but with this was an interesting challenge.
This story has some good bones, but the short version is incomplete. It feels like a chapter of a longer story instead of a self-contained one. Being marooned and struggling to survive is an excellent trope to work from and has a long history of good stories, Swiss Family Robinson, Tarzan, Lost in Space, Treasure Island, and The Cay, and I feel if you focused more on this instead of the scape it would come together much better within the restrictions of the challenge. Give it a few more passes, think about the themes and story beats you want to focus on, and go from there.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you for your constructive feedback. The scope was too big in my head and when o started to write it got a bit out of hand, I was so invested myself in my story. :)
I had the same problem. 1k works is incredibly limiting but that's part of the challenge!
I'll be honest, this story reads more like someone giving the synopsis of a story than telling the story. I think its too bogged down with details that don't hold any significance to the point and don't really get the reader invested in what their goal is. I think the story would have benefited from trimming alot of the "traveling" from place A to B to C with at most a paragraph and instead focused on alluding to the character's worries. You could build up the dread and lore with some subtly before the last paragraph, then the readers would really feel the weight of the revelation. (I don't know what Bloodhounds are in OPR and I know very little about the Starhosts. Having the character ponder what those factions mean to him would have helped a clueless reader learn more) Looking forward to seeing you in the next jam!
Thank you for taking a time to read it and to leave a constructive feedback. :) To be honest,I also don’t know much about the universe and all “ins” and “outs”. And since there was a time limit to write a story ,it’s time to get creative ,right ? :) “bloodhound” is just a name I gave to the antagonists,since bloodhound is a dog breed who were bred and were used to track other game I thought it was fitting to give :)
Biggest challenge for me was to fit the story I wanted to tell in one page :)
As a bonus I uploaded an extended version with more dialog and character development. :)
good story. I really find the first person POV hard to write but you seem to have done it pretty well. I enjoy the stream of conscience vibes going on. It makes it flow pretty well. It ended early unfortunately.
Thank you for your feedback and positive and kind words I really appreciate. I could continue and expand the story, but because there was a time and word count limit, I ended things there. That's why there's two version. Shorter for contest and extended with additional dialog and background more story background. It's a bonus from me, since I enjoyed writing this particular story. :)
Hey, just wanted to let you know that your story exceeds the 1,000-word limit. You might want to trim it down a bit to fit within the rules.
Hey, thank you for your reply. At first I thought that limit was 3,000 limit. I edited and I've put two versions of my short story.