If you ever want me to stfu and stop flooding your comments just let me know lol.
How did you expect readers to identify with dad? What about dad did you think would really make readers fall in love with him?
Like I mentioned before, on my first playthrough I found dad just to be too perfect and overly happy/cheery, which just causes me to estrange from him.
Like before, I will play through all of Dave's dreams again equipped with knowledge of what your intentions were while writing them. I'm wondering what readers should be feeling or what information they should be gaining with each dream.
You said:
- Dave is haunted by his subconscious version of dad
- Dreams are not intended to be happy memories
- Dad is popular being he's hot and potentially treated as a surrogate father
I'm also going to go into these dreams by thinking about how to make a good father figure:
- A role model
- Recognize when their children are struggling with something
- Talking about serious topics, but with care
- Spending time together and bonding
Day 10 -
GOAL: Introduce Dad and show how Dave remembered his dad's personality.
- I think this is scene is quite effective for the most part.
- Why does Dave ask for his dad's name? Does he think it's an imposter? If so it's swept under the rug quite quickly.
- The part that perturbs me the most are the lines between "...and that they're going to die because of me." and "...but maybe make it less heavy if you can."
Is this how Dave thinks his dad would respond if Dave was terrified he was going to cause someone to die? The advice seems a little cliched.
If I were to change this, I would make dad respond back with questions: "What do you think you should do?", "Why do you think they are going to die?", "What have you done to protect them?", "Have you done all you could?", "Is this truly what you are so afraid of?", etc. Personally, when I need advice I love questions like these. It really makes me think about what I truly want and need to do.
- I think also maybe what's subconsciously messing with me is that one sprite where dad is smiling with his eyes closed and fist in the air, like he is super pumped. Sometimes it's just too much compared to what's written in his dialogue. When I just ignore it and let my mind's eye play out the scene, it's less jarring.
Day 11-
GOAL: Witness how dad handles Dave amidst turbulent marriage? tbh I don't know, I find it very unclear.
Suggestion:
If my interpretation of the goal is correct, perhaps a more gripping way to do this is to plop Dave right at the dinner table with mom and dad, all is normal and Dave just observes the scene until it quickly devolves into them fighting (This whole time the argument is just garbled nonsense). Dave just sits there silently but is internally very stressed out. Dad notices this and sets a hand on Dave's shoulder, waking Dave from his trance. Mom has vanished from the room and dad is looking at Dave directly in the eyes. Dad apologizes and tries to cheer Dave up with jokes and hearty laughter.
Day 12 Dream 1 -
GOAL: Show how lonely Dave feels
Suggestion:
Maybe Dave could wake up to the sound of a door closing and a car driving off (hinting that someone has left the house). Dave could teleport to a nearby coffee shop and see all his friends sitting at a table, talking and laughing together. Dave tries to approach them but can't move. He tries to call out to them but they can't hear him. Dave returns back home, but while walking past Tyson's home he sees Tyson's empty spot on his front porch. He thinks briefly about Tyson. He continues walking home and sees mom's car in the driveway. He enters his home and calls out to his mom but receives no response.
Day 12 Dream 2 -
GOAL: Dave wants to figure out why he can't cry.
I don't have much to say about this. It's quick, simple, emotional, and I love the ending.
Day 13 -
GOAL: Dave wants to know if he's the reason for his parents' issues.
- Is this supposed to be a memory or just a scenario Dave conjured in his mind? It reads more like a memory. This is curious considering every other one of these sequences are dreams.
- Dave reads as much younger in this scene.
- In the previous dream sequences, Dave is clearly doubting so many things in his life. It would make sense for Dave to feel like he's the reason for his parent's marital issues, but dad immediately qualms those fears, which doesn't seem entirely consistent, if I'm making any sense at all. If Dave is at the peak of his depression, you'd think he'd get a negative dream, right? Something that reinforces his fears.
Day 14 Dream 1 -
GOAL: Dave's largest internal fear (inadequacy? being useless?) comes to fruition and becomes too much for him.
This scene was done quite well.
Just this one line "That's it, Dave... It'll all be over soon." isn't my favorite. Personally, I would just remove it and let Jack go straight to killing.
Day 14 Dream 2 -
GOAL: I'm not really sure, but the reader figures out why Dave can't cry
- Dave recalls his friends, where they lived on his street, and who came over to his house.
- He says he never liked spending time in the living room. (I don't understand this)
- Different colors all look the same
- Dad appears in Dave's doorway, Dave asks why he died, Dad doesn't respond.
- Dave wonders why he isn't crying
I'm struggling to find the link between all of this.
Day 14 Memories -
GOAL: Everything comes crashing down and Dave finally accepts what happened
- Unfortunately, most of the humorous parts aren't really landing with me.
- I still feel in this part dad is too unnaturally happy-go-lucky. I don't know at what age Dave's dad died, but this scene makes me think Dave is like 12 years old (I can't remember a point where it was mentioned). I think if I knew Dave's age I would find the dialogue a lot more realistic.
- The last moment with Dave and dad (paired with Tyson finding that strange ID card in path D) makes me think you're planning a phat plot twist soon. But otherwise, the last moment with dad is very very sweet. Even sadder knowing it's Dave's last moment with him.
- For when Dave hears the bad news, for the lines between "But no, Hoyt told me..." and "...in a daze. Dad was dead." I strongly believe you could really flesh this out. Make the reader feel everything Dave was feeling at that moment. The feeling of a child's entire world crashing down in an instant.
- And the part after in the kitchen makes me cry again. It's so well written and the art is fantastic too (I imagine the finished art will make the scene even more powerful). Great work lol.
Day 15 -
I love that you dream about the route character and what you'd like to truly say to them, instead of a sad dream about dad or being alone.
What if before the character comes into view, you had dad briefly appear and shoot Dave a smile before walking out the door?
I have two personal scenes in my mind that I can't shake:
- Dave and dad are hanging out before someone is in danger; dad heroically saves them while Dave bears witness. This wouldn't be a memory, but more to show that Dave thinks dad is super cool and a hero. But it doesn't really fit into any of the other dream sequences, other than maybe the first one. I have recently watched the Harry Potter movies and dumbledore is a fantastic father figure. Harry tries to emulate Dumbledore's kindness and is awestruck by Dumbledore's level of power. In my opinion, being a policeman is one of the most virtuous professions out there (despite the often negative reputation they get.) So Dave (and the reader) witnessing dad perform a heroic act would be very impactful.
- Dave and dad riding around in the police cruiser with the red and blue lights on. It's going well until Dave asks a serious question and looks over to the driver's seat where he finds his dad suddenly vanished, leaving Dave all alone. Police lights still flooding the scene for xtra dramatic effect. Could represent Dave feeling alone, Dave missing his dad, foreshadows the reason dad died, dad suddenly leaving Dave's life.