Skip to main content

On Sale: GamesAssetsToolsTabletopComics
Indie game storeFree gamesFun gamesHorror games
Game developmentAssetsComics
SalesBundles
Jobs
TagsGame Engines

Don't worry, I'll let you know if we ever hit that point!

I'll try and tackle these as you've broken them up as I feel that might help keep myself organized.

Identifying with dad wasn't really an intention. He was there to contrast Dave's fairly muted persona amidst his sadness and give a Dave-biased look on how his father was/acted. He's more hyper in the dream sequences compared to the flashback on Day 15 (outside of the Day 11 dream) because Dave is hyperfocused on 'positive' things when he's thinking of his dad. Essentially, it's a symptom of repressed trauma if a gross oversimplification of what's going on. It's why the dream sequences aren't meant to be indicative of how good a father David was to Dave, because they're inherently tainted with narrator bias.

Day 10 - I feel I answered why this feels off above. This isn't his dad. This wouldn't be how he responded because this is Dave just using his dad as a crutch visually to process his stress. We're introduced to dad as needed Dave clues in that it's a dream by asking the name but takes more comfort in the lie and what he wants to hear than what would actually be sound advice. After all, this is all in his head.

Day 11 - It was meant to be the first hint towards a strained marriage, yes. Perhaps I was playing it a little too subtle with the subtext of them not arguing in front of Dave but Dave still being somewhat aware that something was amiss. Very few people have picked up on what that scene was about so I might need to make it a little more explicit so it makes sense for a later scene.

Day 12 (1) - The suggestion is sound outside the the friendship group functionally splitting apart after the month, so thinking about them together minus him wouldn't resonate correctly with how he's feeling. Something closer would be having them all over and then in a flash they're all gone. Even then it's a little off because he's equating: people he loves going away = friends going away = isolation. Because dad's already gone, his friends are mimicking that gap by also being missing here. Mom's already out of the picture but we'll get to her later.

Day 13 - Ah, not a dream this one. This one he is just consciously thinking back to a memory he had. Again probably a case of me trying to be too clever and subtle but the tonal change is because he's still awake versus in REM sleep. But it's the fault in the memory that leads him back to what happens immediately after with the river.

Day 14 (1) - That line is important but just... not right now. I'm a big fan of narrative echoes, and when you start messing with the topic of morphic resonance the 'when' and the 'how' of that line coming up makes it a little harder to judge if it the payoff is working. 

Day 14 (2) - So the dislike of the living room is due to that being the room his world broke down. Might have been to heavy-handed with Dave's descriptions but I'll review it. The color thing is because a symptom of severe emotional trauma is partial colorblindness. Coupled with what colorblindness hyenas already have exhibited to have IRL I figured this was a good symptom to apply. The lack of knowing how his dad died is because of him actually just not knowing the circumstances.

15 - Why show dad here? I'm not opposed to the idea on principle but I don't know exactly what that'd be adding given Dave's focus is primarily on his route partner instead. 

The two scenes: It's funny that you mention this, as I have a draft of something similar to this but it's not a dream. Something for later when Dave decides to embody the man his father was/wanted him to become once Dave's arc is closer to being done development-wise. We open the game up on Dave being depressed over his father's death, so looking fondly on him being a cool hero doesn't work if the hero is dead. Scene two would be something to lead into the story on Day 14 about hearing the news if only visually being able to capture the red/blue lighting on the scene. It might be a little heavy handed though, but I can draft something up and see how it reads. 

Something I worry about constantly and won't stop worrying about until this game is done, is that my writing quality as far as set ups and pay-offs can't be accurately judged until said pay-offs happen. Narrative echoes that I've put in now don't seem as such because nothing's echoing back just yet. Another case of this would be the recurring lines of "Just give up, Dave. Let whatever happens, happen." Dave got these words from somewhere, but we don't know specifically where yet as the story isn't that far along.

I love bouncing thoughts off with you and hearing the "behind the scenes" of your intentions. This is really fun! xD

Just my thoughts: The player is playing through the eyes and mind of Dave, who clearly adores his dad. If you want the reader to empathize with Dave, I feel it would be important to try and get the reader to understand why Dave loves his dad so much, and to try and get the reader to love dad as much as possible also (Even through the depression dreams). This would definitely make the day 14 payoff so much more painful (in the best way)

Day 10 -
I think you may have misinterpreted me, I totally understand that this isn't how dad might've actually responded to Dave's problem. The reader has no clue how dad would have actually responded. The "perturbing" thing to me was: Is that really the advice Dave thinks his dad would give him in this situation? Because to me the advice just seemed shallow and cliched. This leads me to think Dave believes his dad would only give him such unhelpful advice as, "Oh you think your friends are going to die? Do your best! Everyone dies!". Perhaps I'm just viewing this all wrong!
If you're saying that Dave's subconscious is only giving Dave the advice he wants to hear. I just can't think of "do your best!" as fitting at this moment. (I think this may be our biggest disagreement!)
Also, when I was reading this scene I assumed that dad not knowing the time or date was enough to clue Dave that he was dreaming. 

Day 13 -
Hm... Sometimes I do daydream random scenarios in my head, particularly when I'm really into something. I am also working on my own VN and sometimes when I'm doing homework I'll just space out and imagine an entire fight scene in my head. Although I suppose in daydreams your subconscious isn't messing with you as hard as it might in a dream. But I could definitely see readers being confused as to whether this was a memory or a daydream. Maybe I'm completely wrong and 90% of readers get this easily. 

Day 14 (2) -
For the living room, that makes perfect sense. This makes me feel so dumb because I read that and thought, "Well that's random, why does Dave hate the living room?". And then in the very next flashback scene you hint at it, but I still don't get it. I think maybe if you used the doorway/entrance it might have struck me better? (cuz that's where Dave and the reader find out) But who knows; I probably still wouldn't have made the connection.
I definitely understood the colorblind part, that was one of the more obvious depression motifs. 

Day 15 -
I was just thinking about in movies whenever a character is haunted by something but then comes to accept it and gets closure, the thing that was haunting them appears one last time in a small happy moment before disappearing. So like Dave has accepted his dad is dead, so in his last dream his dad walks out of the door (closure) and is replaced by his friend whom he cares about (new worldview). I know it can seem a little cheesy, but I am a total sap for that type of stuff. Especially considering all the build-up towards Dave getting closure. 

When I kept reading the lines "Just give up, Dave. Let whatever happens, happen." I kept thinking that maybe Jack or dad said it previously and I just missed it. But if you're saying it's from the morphic resonance stuff that would be a pretty juicy revelation. 

I think on the topic of Day 13, people haven't raised issue with it at all. I approached writing it differently and hoped that the change in how David spoke to his son was different enough and less of a caricature to hint that it wasn't just a dream. Plus I'd been fairly consistent on having the dreams flagged as such by stating explicitly Dave was going to sleep. Could be an outlier, might not be, few are actually vocal about this.

Day 14 I can maybe tweak it a little but it's minor enough that I'll just make a note of it and handle it later.

As for Day 15, ah. There's the problem you're possibly running into. Dave isn't magically fixed because he had a cry about his dad, this is more the wound is actually able to start to heal. Much like the comment I made earlier about Dave embodying his dad's actions near the end of his arc, expect something akin to what you suggest much further along the story, maybe near the end to close out Dave's story as a whole. Specifics I'm still drafting out for the greatest cinematic effect possible but the broad strokes are already set.  

I also read the latest build:
I would love to be casually offered a million dollars.
The moment alone with Tyson was very sweet. I like the tension you are building between their relationship, I'm excited to see where that leads.
Nothing really struck out that made me feel the need to put my critic glasses on. 

Well I suppose that's all I had to say! Thanks for the interesting conversation. If you ever want a brutally honest unbiased opinion about something let me know!

(+1)

Always appreciated! If you ever feel like sharing again, I'll absolutely set the time aside to hear you out.

reading this thread was nice because you both went very detailed and in-depth on how things could be improved on