Post by SmashMouthFan62 in Lewd Town Adventures comments

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But my main point is that there was essentially *too much* writing, not that there should be more. I was saying that the characters don't talk like normal people. If it's meant to be like Leisure Suit Larry, it's strange to have characters like Sarah and Tanya where you're *meant* to feel bad about their predicament. It's about cutting the fat, reducing the fluff in the dialogue so that it flows more naturally. If anything, it would make your job easier because you'd be reducing the amount of writing required.

I haven't found anything in the game necessarily offensive, and any scene I particularly like doesn't matter because of all the content you've put into it (which, once again, is commendable and should be praised since you've clearly put a lot of work into it)

Xo Mo3 years ago(+1)(-1)

As the writer of the "fluff" I honestly appreciate your input. The Elsa moment you mention was something I wish someone had told me when I was ready to just let myself fade away and die as a teen, having been bullied as much as Elsa.

I don't expect everyone to like what we (Jamleng and I) write. It's a freaking porn-game, FFS. I get that some will be bored or frustrated. But some players will appreciate the moral message, the EMPATHY the MC shows to a fellow victim of bullying. If you watch the first 3 minutes of the Intro, you'll get where that whole thing comes from. And, frankly, having spoken with many other players, I know I'm not alone in how truly relatable the situation is.

I don't expect EVERYONE to understand. I know most people never got punched, knocked off the top of playground equipment, had their head slammed into a brick wall, gotten kicked in the gut just for being a skeletally-thin kid among chubby kids who never knew NEED.

See, I'm a writer. I do my best to try and sympathize with everyone's plight. I may not understand certain things, but I know Elsa and MC's backstory, because I lived it (barely).

SmashMouthFan623 years ago(-1)

As I have mentioned, more than once, I am saying that it is overwritten. Any writing class will tell you that exposition and monologues should be kept to a minimum. It isn't a Shakespearean play. For a writer, you seem unable to read what's actually written. I have no qualms against the message, nor did I write as such. I even double-checked all my messages to confirm whether if any of them were confusing or vague, but it wasn't.

I'm specifically saying that your writing pulls the player out of the story. You can't use the defence of "It's a freaking porn game", but then defend the writing and that you've heard largely praise. Those are polar opposite arguments, claiming the quality of writing doesn't matter but then saying people actually liked the quality of writing to defend it. Just go onto the internet and look up "trim the fat in writing". It doesn't fix the dialogue feeling unnatural, but it will at least help shorten it up so it's more concise.

Karmageddon3 years ago(+1)(-1)

Your 'constructive' criticism derailed quite fast there. Especially since you try to paint a very subjective problem you have as an objective flaw.

I do not see anything inherently wrong in the MCs interaction with Elsa. You thinking the natural thing for her should be to tell him off isn't really proof for a fault on the writers part. Rather it tells me that you lack life experience in this regard (which is a good thing for you I guess). People in as dire a mental state as Elsa tend to feel when someone they are talking to 'knows what it is like'. So her not pushing the MC back here is absolutely on point.

Since you are keen on giving advice, here is mine for you. Self reflection. Instead of assuming everyone does things the wrong way or 'doesn't get it' maybe leave room for the possibility that it is you that can learn something new.

Deleted post3 years ago

Deleted 3 years ago

itch.io

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