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(1 edit)

I've barely even started and noticed many of the issues are with use of tenses. You overuse the past tense when English grammar triggers either subjunctive/conditional (which are moods and not tenses, but they do ignore tense) or infinitive (tenseless verb). I'm assuming your native language would conjugate in those instances, and it does in fact provide more information that the English system doesn't provide, but English just doesn't do that.

Deleted 2 years ago

It's fine for the passage overall to be set in the past. But English just doesn't use past tense in some clauses. Even if the meaning is in the past, it will be in the past in part of the sentence but not in the parts that are supposed to be subjunctive, conditional, or infinitive.

Ah... didn't know that before. 

Guess I really should ask some native speakers to help me do some proofreading. I...don't really know many people around so I think it's a problem I should put into my to-do list later.

Anyway thanks for your feedback. Appreciate it as always!