It's fine for the passage overall to be set in the past. But English just doesn't use past tense in some clauses. Even if the meaning is in the past, it will be in the past in part of the sentence but not in the parts that are supposed to be subjunctive, conditional, or infinitive.
Guess I really should ask some native speakers to help me do some proofreading. I...don't really know many people around so I think it's a problem I should put into my to-do list later.
Anyway thanks for your feedback. Appreciate it as always!
