First person can often be tricky to write in and often requires a lot of proof reading and redrafts in order to have it flow right. I do think that this story suffered a tad from the short 48 writing period we had and thus could not get the attention of edits that it really wanted. This does not take away from the core of the story, which I actually really like.
If you do any edits or redrafts of this, I would very much like to read them!