I enjoyed reading this story! Below are a few points that especially stood out, suggestions if you were to revise this story, and a couple nitpicks.
What I liked:
- The plot was easy to follow and for the most part everything was well written.
- The rivalry between the elven factions was a nice plot point to drive toward the more ‘unconventional weapon” theme.
- I loved the sense of lore building that was woven in, none of it felt particularly forced. Mentions of “the council of twelve”, “The Red Archon”, and “Si’Kentan” made me want to learn more about the lore behind each of these.
- Phrases like “Chiarina wiped the axle grease…” really helped to develop the characters - I can see that as being a day-to-day occurrence for her.
- Elements of the story made clear this was set in OPR AOF.
- The story leaves me wanting to know how it ends - to me, this indicates you wrote engaging story beats that kept my attention!
- Your jam board had some pretty inspired art, but I may be biased.
Suggestions for a revision
- With so much time devoted to the argument between the two elves, I feel that the theme of “Unconventional Weapons” did not have the time needed to develop. As an example - developing an interesting backstory to the non-military uses for the spider legs (scaling buildings?) and Mirrors (Heating bathwater for the duke?) could have added to that sense that they were making a weapon from materials not often used in war.
- It was a shame that we didn’t get to see the unconventional weapon in action. A challenge of the format, though again I think space could have been saved by reducing the argument between the elven factions.
Nit Picks:
- The tense of the story shifts from first (“Losing us precious time”) to third. Just threw me for a moment
- I feel like the title refers to an original idea that shifted. While I understand the problem is their argumentative, obstinate nature, I feel the overall theme was Chiarina’s decision to follow the High Elf’s plan. Perhaps if there was some note of problematic high elf haughtiness at the end?
- A bit of spacing between paragraphs would have helped with reading the story.
Again, I want to emphasize that I enjoyed reading this, suggestions and nitpicks aside. Thank you for sharing this story with us!