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Yep, slavering was the intended word.  Thanks for callimg this out!

this was an enjoyable story, albeit a bit short. I enjoyed the interpretation of how the pharoah viewed life after death, and the explanation of the creation of the undead construct.  As others have noted, it looks like you have space to bulk out the stkry to have additional dialogue, or more detail on the effect of the unconventional weapon.

Thanks for sharing this for the jam!

I enjoyed reading a story about the halflings and shadow creatures, which was a nice departure from some of the other, more martial races usually represented.  

As mentioned by a few others, I had some trouble following the story in a few places, and in others the writing did feel a bit flat.  I think giving you more room to write on the clover's connection to his dream would help, but would require a trimming down some of the description on the nightmares attacking the village, or possibly trying to trim down the dream.  It's a trade off, to be sure, but those usually exist in 1,000 word short stories.  

Thank you for sharing this with us as part of the jam!

This was a fun read, I enjoyed the characterization of Yinepu as a wild card and how it worked out for them at the end.  The biggest distraction to the story was the formatting, which is understandable given the time limit.  Thanks for sharing this for the jam!

This was a fantastic read.  The depiction of the ratfolk's need to breed and expand, Gritail's desire for recognition, and Verminax's calculating mind played together to set the stage for the old rat's discovery of a very dastardly weapon to use against humanity.

I really don't have any comments on the flow, except how well the story read.  I especially enjoyed this line to help characterize Verminax: "his voice smooth as slime slithering down a wall." 

As for the unconventional weapon, it's a great build up and reveal, one that I appreciated greatly.

Thank you for submitting this story for the writing jam!

This was a great read!  As others have noted, it's impressive to see how a few lines of lore across a few army books lead to this story.

As far as concept and originality go, I see a basis from other universes that have helped build OPR, but it deviates enough for an enjoyable read.  If I understood correctly (it's been a long work week and not a lot of sleep), The Silver Queen was a High Elf, and the Golden King a human.  I think if anything, I want to see more of your universe's lore.  Admittedly, it's hard to expect that from 1000 words!

Flow and clarity was great, I have no comments here.

I saw two themes emerge as unconventional weapons: knowledge, and companionship.  Curious if you intended both to serve in that theme, or if was a happy coincidence.

Thanks for submitting this story to the jam for us to read!

In between the stories of war, great magics, and intergalactic travels, he find a moment to peek in on a quiet moment between master and pupil.  The story, followed by the Master's action to drive home his lesson, flowed nicely and was enjoyable to read.  Truly an interesting take on that weapon - I think most writers and hobbyists here would disagree on calling it unconventional, but the point described is valid.

Thanks for submitting this to the writing jam for everyone to read!

The set up for this story was flawless - the pieces were in place, and I could not see where they were going until the close to the end of the story, when all of the components crashed together like puzzle pieces to create a tapestry.  I at first thought the spicy star had been missed in the build up, but discovered it on a second read through.  The subversion of expectations of the poultry weapon was also welcome.

This is a nit-pick, but there area few places where a bit of additional punctuation could assist.  For example:

"What say you beast to first blood or to the first man or hmm beast that loses his weapon!”

Aside from that minor critique, this was an enjoyable read!  Thank you for sharing!

First and foremost, great job participating in the Jam!  It's tough to come up with a story from a prompt, type it out, and submit it all within 48 hours.  The idea to compensate around this by having a "story within a story" was a clever solution that worked pretty well in this case.

Echoing what small_grey_owl said, I think giving yourself the opportunity to brainstorm will help with finding a full story you want to write out.  you should also ask yourself questions while you're writing - Where are the characters located - a village?  A city?  What is the story that Rose and Piper Mention?  Is there anything special about the quartz?  Why is Billy the most obnoxious elf you can meet?

Asking these sorts of questions while writing (or after writing), and adding to your writing based on the answers you come up with can help you develop your story and enrich the world you're creating.  It's clear you have a lot of ideas on the world that are hinted in the writing, I'd love to see it further developed!

Thanks for sharing this for the Jam!

A wonderful story!  You've created a world that I'd love to learn more about, for example -  what is the purpose of the forbidden book, and why do Aithne's parents have it?  Additionally, the use of both improvised weapons (the chair and walking stick) and the antagonist's use of words as a weapon fit the theme well.  

I could follow the flow of the story, though there were a few sections where the formatting was jumbled, especially around dialogue.  Given that this had to all fit on the page, I can understand the challenge.

A few ideas to improve should you revisit this story.  With only 1,000 words, you have to choose your scenes carefully.  While everything you wrote works, I also wonder if perhaps some sections could have been reduced to allow other points of the story to develop further.  

Perhaps starting with Ainthe arriving at the butcher's shop and considering her situation (i.e. "Her parents and brother missing after a trip to the butcher's, Aithne clutched at the stolen page from her family's forbidden book.  It was her only comfort as she entered the butcher's shop.") would allow for more space to develop the world around Ainthe and answer questions such as what the book is, provide more details on the setting, etc.

Please don't let me above recommendations detract you, this was still a wonderful read and look forward to more!  Thank you for writing this for the jam!

A lovely read!  Here are my thoughts:

Things I really enjoyed!

• The foreshadowing worked extremely well here.
• The necessity of ritual in the character, even in this setting, helps establish the sense of lore behind the Eternal Dynasty
• The description of the worn, battle damaged suit at the start really helped sell my on the situation right from the get go.

Thoughts if you ever revise this:

• A division of 4  sections made the story feel a bit choppy.  I think the second and third sections could have been fused into a single section.  Reducing some of the battle (full credit, I enjoyed reading it) could allow for more space to build characters and dialogue if desired.

Nit-picks

• Creature was repeated a fair amount in the third-section.  Additional words such as "monstrosity", " behemoth", etc could add some variation.

This was really an amazingly themed and written story.  Thank you for writing it for this jam!

I'm really impressed with this one.  The idea of unconventional weaponry was not in the novelty of the method of killing, but the outlandish and heretical nature of the device that the main character leveraged.  It's an unexpected twist on the theme of the competition that works so well.

A concise work, effectively written in first person.  We don't even get the name of the main character, which adds to the sense that he's been stripped of his former life.

I've tried to include at least on recommendation for improvement with each story I've read.  After reading this a few times, I really don't have any recommendations.  Bravo on such a well-written piece!

This short story underscores the charm in OPR's worldbuilding remaining a blank slate for those writing in these competitions.  You can take the universe and give it a coat of comedy and slapstick, and it works.  The allusions to one Mario Mario and the Inklings was amusing.

There were a few grammatical errors and changes in tense in the middle of a sentence that slowed down my reading pace here and there, but nothing too serious.  The story felt very "chopped up" due to it's dialogue heavy nature, but I don't consider that to be a fault, but rather a necessary evil of creating a dialogue heavy entry.

Thank you for sharing this story for the jam! 

No matter how much I try to throw a thesaurus at my writing, there's always some word that slips through!  

Ah well, such is life.  Thank you for reading and your kind words, I appreciate it!

Thank you, I appreciate the comment!

Most of the ideas I came up with where pretty grim, now that I think about it.  When writing for these jams, I look to real world myth and historical events for inspiration.  Between the idea of using disease as a weapon and finding inspiration in the Napoleonic battle of Austerlitz, where fleeing Russian and Austrian forces lost a large number of men as they attempted to cross a frozen lake that could not support their weight, I guess this was destined to be a grimdark entry.

I appreciate you reading it and leaving a comment!

While I don't think it is the Darkest of Grims, it did end up a bit more grimdark than I originally planned.  Thanks for reading!

Veronas's escape leaves me wondering more about the world - where is she located?  Where will she find the rest of the guild members, and what path of destruction will she carve to get to them?  The focus on the mouth-guard and it's unconventional use helped ensure the story stayed adherent to the theme.

As noted, paragraph breaks would have helped this story flow better.  It felt a bit dense to read in its current state.

Thanks for sharing this for the writing jam!

A well written story with a lot of character to the lore.  As mentioned by Hobby Fuzion, it definitely reminded me of 2001, ("I'm afraid I can't let you do that").  I had the same thoughts on what the adversary was as well.  Machine Cult Defilers and Robot Legions crossed my minds, as well as some bizarre sort of demonic faction.  Captain Maya Tem is extremely well developed for 1000 words.

Curious on your thoughts of what was the unconventional weapon here?  The boarders and their mercurial forms?  The ship's AI, which prevents the captain from completing her action at a pivotal moment?  The Gravsuit for being the thing that truly stops her?

This story was great!  The pacing was well done to properly convey the conflict, the setting and characters were given the right amount of detail for a 1000 word story, and the unconventional weapon was clever and original.  The almost Terry Pratchett-esque logic of a weapon to use against the daemon was not what I was expecting for the setting, and I love it all the more for that!

Like another reader said, the line "it moved like an animation with half its frames lifted out" stuck out as a really fun, effective description.

If I had to pick one part of the story that felt weak to me, at times the dialogue felt manufactured at times, instead of natural conversation between individuals.  It could very well be a question of preference and it's honestly a minor point on an amazing piece of prose.

Bravo!

EDIT:  Desperate Times... times.  Like a times table.  Please tell me that was intentional.

I think the concept and originality of the story were its strongest points, especially Eredh's task to regrow the fallen as "soul forests".  The concept of her anger affecting the forest was also interesting, though I think it could have been explored in the final sections of your story where you speak of Eredh's 'pure distilled hate' for the Wraith-Shard.

The writing was hard to follow in places - there's a number of typos and changes in tense which unfortunately pulled me out of the fascinating world you were creating.  I imagine a revision of the story could go a long way in improving this aspect, if you're interested in improving your work after the competition's completion.  

I wish a bit more could have been devoted to describing the unconventional weapon than the last paragraph of your story - perhaps more foreshadowing to the capabilities of the soul forest could have helped with this, or more detail of their fight against the wraith-shard.

Thank you for sharing this as part of the OPR Writing Jam!

This story has a solid plot and I could follow along.  The idea of a Jackal traveling the galaxy to gain knowledge to use in his mission is fun and I understand the intent of the story to the mystery of his unconventional weapon.  That said, with space left for more writing, I think paying off on that mystery of his weapon would have really helped the story.  At the very least, hinting beyond it being heavy and technology from other races would better allow the reader to draw their own conclusions on what this great device was to help in his mission.  

I'd love to see this story expanded in the future, should you choose to do so.

The idea of an Elven Jester using song and tonal frequencies to control the sands of the planet, and the havoc it causes against the opposing human forces, is a really neat unconventional weapon.  Unfortunately, the structure was very difficult to follow due to the lack of periods and grammatical issues.  Based on the "copia" in your document title, I suspect English is not your first language.  I applaud your efforts to not only write a story, but translate it for others to read in 48 hours.  While it didn't work flawlessly in this case, I hope you give it another shot in the future or continue writing in Italian, as it would seem you have some great ideas to write about!

Sounds like I need to read it again once or twice to help cement my interpretation of what I think happened!  It was good work, one that I think I'll enjoy going back to in order to think through a bit more.

This one is an interesting read indeed!  There’s a lot going on here to dissect - two themes I immediately noticed:

• A sense of diminishment (large bells to small bells to silence, the formatting of the protagonist's thoughts) that presents itself through the story.
• The experience of the protagonist and how they correlate to events in her life

Both of these themes encouraged me to read through again to understand how they connected to the overall narrative you constructed

Your writing style is distinct, which provided a sense of poetry while reading.  I believe I was able to follow the overall story being told.  In portions, I think it also made the narrative a bit tougher to read at times with dense sentence structure, some run-on sentences, and unconventional formatting.  I think you can maintain this unique writing style while improving readability.

--Minor Spoilers for Story--

I am unsure of the unconventional weapon.  Is it the meteorite strike?  Destroying a waste plant to affect the surrounding area?  The unconventional weapon seemed to be a vehicle to write about the protagonist’s experience.  It was a great read, but it seemed like a means to an end instead of core to the story.  I actually think this would have been a great submission for the last writing jam, "Reflections".

-- End Spoilers--

I enjoyed reading this story.  Thank you for writing it for this jam!

I enjoyed reading this story!  Below are a few points that especially stood out, suggestions if you were to revise this story, and a couple nitpicks.

What I liked:

• The plot was easy to follow and for the most part everything was well written.
• The rivalry between the elven factions was a nice plot point to drive toward the more ‘unconventional weapon” theme. 
• I loved the sense of lore building that was woven in, none of it felt particularly forced.  Mentions of “the council of twelve”, “The Red Archon”, and “Si’Kentan” made me want to learn more about the lore behind each of these.
• Phrases like “Chiarina wiped the axle grease…” really helped to develop the characters - I can see that as being a day-to-day occurrence for her.
• Elements of the story made clear this was set in OPR AOF.
• The story leaves me wanting to know how it ends - to me, this indicates you wrote engaging story beats that kept my attention!
• Your jam board had some pretty inspired art, but I may be biased.

Suggestions for a revision

• With so much time devoted to the argument between the two elves, I feel that the theme of “Unconventional Weapons” did not have the time needed to develop.  As an example - developing an interesting backstory to the non-military uses for the spider legs (scaling buildings?) and Mirrors (Heating bathwater for the duke?) could have added to that sense that they were making a weapon from materials not often used in war.
• It was a shame that we didn’t get to see the unconventional weapon in action.  A challenge of the format, though again I think space could have been saved by reducing the argument between the elven factions.

Nit Picks:

• The tense of the story shifts from first (“Losing us precious time”)  to third.  Just threw me for a moment
• I feel like the title refers to an original idea that shifted.  While I understand the problem is their argumentative, obstinate nature, I feel the overall theme was Chiarina’s decision to follow the High Elf’s plan.  Perhaps if there was some note of problematic high elf haughtiness at the end?
• A bit of spacing between paragraphs would have helped with reading the story.

Again, I want to emphasize that I enjoyed reading this, suggestions and nitpicks aside.  Thank you for sharing this story with us!

As others have said, the story had a brothers Grimm fairy tale vibe.  I enjoyed reading this!

I loved the creative application  of the theme!

I picked up on who the visitor was about half way through, which made a second read through help pick out the nuance in the dialog.  A nice touch that got me to read it again.

I picked up on who the visitor was about half way through, which made a second read through help pick out the nuance in the dialog.  A nice touch that got me to read it again.

This was a superb read.  Easy to follow, great distinctions drawn between the trooper and the battle brother, and a great parable that really embodied the theme.  The only criticism I have (and it's a minor one) is that openly admitting the Battle brother was lying at the end felt too direct; the hesitance and other subtle queues throughout the story did well to call out the lie without explicitly calling it out.  A very minor suggestion for a great tale!

This was a superb read.  Easy to follow, great distinctions drawn between the trooper and the battle brother, and a great parable that really embodied the theme.  The only criticism I have (and it's a minor one) is that openly admitting the Battle brother was lying at the end felt too direct; the hesitance and other subtle queues throughout the story did well to call out the lie without explicitly calling it out.  A very minor suggestion for a great tale!

I greatly enjoyed reading this story.  As someone who is unfamiliar with GDF, I didnt feel lost any point as I read about the characters, gangs, and locations. The setting and situation were presented quickly but without the feeling of an exposition dump, weaving into the situation nicely.  

As mentioned in another comment, the ending felt abrupt.  Possibly some of the initial detail on how the plan had gone awry could have been sacrificed for the word count at the end, but the story's initual pacing would have suffered as a result.  Such is the challenge of a one page story.

Regardless of the one critique, the overall result is well executed and a great read.  Bravo!

A clean, concise tale of a man reflecting on decisions which set the stage of strife and conflict. The plot is straightforward and led to a good twist at the end.  I enjoyed reading it!

Thank you for reading.  On the note of editing issues, I think it's the curse of taking about too many ideas and revising them over and over.  I reviewed the original version vs. the final this morning using Google Doc's revision history, and the whole document was lit up with changes.  As a result, I think I just lost sight of how messy that particular sentence and paragraph became.

Rather than let it remain as it was, I went ahead and updated it.  I uploaded a post-Jam revision to clarify that specific paragraph.  Given the time put into this story, I'd hate to not improve that section to benefit the overall story.  I'll leave both versions posted with an explanation so individuals can read the "Jam" version or the "revised" version.

Thanks again for taking the time to read!

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.  After looking over the hiccup you mentioned, I agree - it was really not clear.  Rather than let it remain as it was, I went ahead and updated it.  I uploaded a post-Jam revision to clarify that specific paragraph.  Given the time put into this story, I'd hate to not improve that section to benefit the overall story.  I'll leave both versions posted with an explanation so individuals can read the "Jam" version or the "revised" version.

Thanks again for taking the time to read!

Hi there!  I've added my email address to my creator profile.  Feel free to reach out there!

Hopefully you find a good use for them in your future tabletop adventures!