Post by SweetChiel in UPDATE 19/9/2022! comments

UPDATE 19/9/2022! » Comments

Viewing post in UPDATE 19/9/2022! comments

Scriptomancer... Thank you so much, omg your guide is so on point! I love it so much, I want to print it and hang it on the wall 🥲 (maybe they can also read it too lol)

I'm really happy for you. Both of you gave the effort and it bore sweet fruit. It's really beautiful and I wish I can have the same. I've had another discussion with my husband and... He didn't even understand why I was upset in the first place... *Sigh

After some intensive talk, it became clear to me that he had no intention to talk to his mother about setting boundaries (because to him, apparently it's family tradition to complain about someone & he'd rather go with the flow/ignore it than fixing the said problem). Honestly, I can't live everyday listening to his mother complaining & ordering me around every single day. Not to mention the uncertain future... They deal with big money and I heard they have some debt from doing house renovation + helping their eldest daughter who got recently married to build a house (which is why I think his parents wants him to work better. I mean, if he can't manage the store, what will happen if they can't pay the debt+lifestyle?) I can choose to tolerate & later replace his mother's work role in the future but if I also have to do all the house chores along with listening to their complaints(mostly about my husband bad working habits and to the small things about daily chores not done according to her standards)-- won't I be taken advantage and worked to the bone? How about my mental health?

When I said I'd rather we move out so we can figure out what 'family' means and make one of our own without other's interferences, he refused.

As of now, things are... Bad. Really bad. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm mentally tired... I need my husband to see that his family's dynamics is not healthy but what should I do if he didn't want to change?

scriptomancer2 years ago

Hmmm, this is difficult... :( Drastic measures are obviously a last resort. Hopefully we can figure it out!

If you don't mind my asking, what are some of your husband's qualities that made you want to marry him in the first place? Maybe there's something there that can help figure out the best way to deal with this.

This is a silly and simplified example, but let's pretend that your husband needs to move a heavy box that he can't lift by himself, and you are the only person around to help him. He asks for your help, but you don't want to risk chipping a nail, so you tell him that you won't help him carry it, but you will cheer him on from the sides. Well, your husband needs to move the box. Cheering him on won't help him do that. You are basically doing nothing to help him while claiming that you are helping by doing the thing most comfortable for you. That is basically what he is doing to you. You are asking for his help and he is refusing to help you while still being satisfied that he is doing his part. You have come up with multiple ways that he can help you, and he refuses to do a single one of them. How is that being supportive? It's not!

Him saying that it's family tradition to complain about someone and ignore the problem, well...isn't that what he's doing to you right now? Ignoring your problems? I would make it clear to him that is not a family tradition you are willing to inherit for your future family with him, so that should be the last time he says that kind of nonsense to you. (It really makes me so mad when men think that the best solution is to ignore something and expect you to go along with it. My husband has also said stupid things like that. I told him if he wanted to live his life like that, he shouldn't have married me, because it's not happening.)

You are absolutely right that your mental health is important. If he expects you to live in that house and go along with this new life they have thrust upon you, then he needs to start making compromises to make it mentally healthy for you to do so. From how you've explained things, you have made all the compromises in this marriage so far - you moved into a new home, took on a new job, take care of him, etc - so what is he compromising for you?

I think your idea to move out together to make your own family is a great idea and would help solve a lot of issues. Did he explain why he refuses to move out?

SweetChiel2 years ago (2 edits)

Hi scriptomancer! To answer your questions, I fell in love with his outgoing personality. He's talkative, good with friends, fun--overally the opposite of me who is an introvert. But we both enjoy reading, playing games, and anime. I've known him since I was a mid-schooler. He used to go to the same internet cafe as me and he was very friendly, like he greets everyone in the cafe when he goes there.

But funnily enough, I sometimes think our roles are reversed when we were dating. He's the one who's concerned about appearances, can act spoiled, and shy.

I thought; since he has a very friendly personality, he can definitely inherit his parents' building material store. I was very shocked when I found out he is very grumpy and rude at work. He can't even go up and go to work at 7, I had to ignore him for 3 days just to get him do this. After all, one of my beliefs is 'if my husband is good at work/hardworking, no problem is too big to solve'.

As for the mother in law, I thought I can trust him to talk with her if she gets too overbearing/perfectionist. But to my disappointment, he can't seem to stand up to her...

I really love the way you tell your husband, 'if you want to live your life like that, you shouldn't have married me, because it's not happening' 😂 I think I've told him something similar. Like, whenever someone talks bad about my husband I always told him 'you can live like this?' then he shrugged while I rolled my eyes saying I can't.

Once, I was very hurt because of his pregnant sister. So she was talking with the in laws, about what they hope the gender will be. Both of them said 'girls'. I thought okay. But then someone said, 'Yeah, because the boy in the family turns out like that..' like, what sin did my husband commit to be treated like that?

Which is why I think my husband is stupid for unable to see how unhealthy his family is.

He refused to move out because he said he doesn't have the money, saying he's broke after marrying me. But I've offered to use the gold I've received from Sangjit as front payment though? His salary and mine should also cover the monthly rent/installments. I've also offered for him to stay in my house with my mom, at least there would be only 3 people living in it, not 6, but he still said no.

After everything is said and done, the more I re-read our conversations & advices from all of you, the clearer my mind became.

I don't think his family sees me as an equal. For example, I've lived with them for almost 3 months and they haven't given me the house key. We also haven't processed the civil marriage certificate due to prioritizing his pregnant sister, which becomes a relief for me because we don't have to take this to court. I'm still single in the official documents lol.

So maybe this is for the best?

My only regret is I can't marry as a Catholic anymore...

itch.io

Viewing post in UPDATE 19/9/2022! comments