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(1 edit) (+1)(-15)

Yea, maybe I have degenerated too far to enjoy this writing. I mean if you are aiming for your visual novel to be a conflict free fairytale wonderland, then the writing fits I guess. Emelie being a princess, I'd expect her to sometimes show few spoiled bitch personality traits. Like in the beach scene when she shows up,  instead of:

emelie "Are you sure this bikini is the right size?"
emelie "Thats what I get for not buying it myself."
emelie "So my breast did grow."

Something more bitchy like:

emelie "[MC]! You just had to buy the skimpiest bikini you could find right?!"
emelie "Its not even the right size, its so tight its making my breast spill out from all sides!"
MC "Sorry piglet, but you know its really hot today, and I love a well tied roast."
emelie rolls eyes "Did you forget that I am still a PRINCESS?? I look like the town whore in this."
MC "Nah, if anyone is the town whore its Maple."

*Maple catwalks into scene*
maple "Heyyy guys, I heard my naaame. Were you talking about me?"
maple "Huh!? Oh my ghod [MC], that G-string looks so hot on your.... gf?"
maple sticks her boobs out "How do you like my slingshot monokini though?"

*Maple turns around presenting her ass*
*MC pops a boner, Emelie notices and is visibly annoyed*
MC "Yeahh, it sure is... something atleast."
maple "Don't you think its covering too much? I actually wanted to wear pasties but I couldnt find any water-proof ones."

*MC reflexively bends over in pain as a vein on his penis nearly pops from a blood pressure spike*

(+7)

That just kinda makes the game sound generic. The writing in the game is perfectly fine

(-6)

Well thats only if you think realism is generic. Right now you can categorize all the characters as either gummi bears or lewd gummi bears, the story could definitely benefit from more depth than that. I guess the community has a lot of young people, I'm just a little too old for gummi bears. I'd rather read something generic than "sexy gummi bears". But hey that said, the art alone is worth sticking around for, so I'll take what I can get.

(+6)

That's just cringy

(-6)

bro, the visual novel is essentially just "sexy gummi bears", I don't see how it can get more cringe than it already is

(+5)

You do realise it's a fantasy game? Realism probably wasn't something the publisher was going for, and that's fine

(-2)

fantasy doesnt excuse bad writing my friend....

characters don't have enough depth to them and they seemingly live from day by day, such writing is characteristic  for children's literature

(+1)

The game is still in very early stages, you could give your criticisms in a way that doesn't just bash the game for not being the way you envision the game should be, it's not your game, not your project

(+4)

What you describe as "Realism" is actually a type of writing inexperience. Namely over explanation or overly detailed writing. it saps the story of subtext and takes away from your own interpretation. i found the writing in this game amazing, every character has their very own distinct character that makes them discernable, something alot of writers don't fully succeed in, accidentally using the characters as outlets for themselves. The writing is cutesy, sure, but it's also supposed to fit the cutesy artstyle. The fact you want Emelie to be more bitchy isn't adding to the level of writing, quite the opposite, it makes the character a generic stereotype of a bitchy princess, which emelia is not. Then, your replies for the player are also just poorly written degenerate speech. You also just starkly misrepresent the characters in the way you've tried to write them. Emelie is characterized as naive and innocent, but a little bit more dirty under her barrier that she puts up due to being raised as a princess with good manners, Yet you characterized her as the bitchy, judgemental princess brat. It's a sexual stereotype and unfitting. Then, you write maple as a bimbo with nothing in her brain but her desire to tease a person that's already in a relationship *yet another sexual stereotype*, then you go on to have maple say "I couldn't find any water-proof ones [Pasties]"
which doesn't make sense because she is literally the person who MAKES the clothes and swimwear in hog haven. Your writing is LESS realistic, because nobody actually talks the way that you write your characters, while the conversations that the characters have, while a bit unusually sexual(which is fine, this is a porngame), are perfectly reasonably realistic. They obviously optimized for timing and scale of the project, but other than that, the writing itself is great. You're not looking for better writing, you are looking for another degenerate porn game that doesn't care about the characters, in which you can live out your uninhibited sexual fantasies without caring about the characters themselves.