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I don't play Visual Novels usually, so please keep that in mind.

Transition between Main Menu, Preferences etc. is a bit slow. UI Looks a bit Sci-Fi-y, is that intended for a Catholic School?

AI Graphics in a Visual Novel, really? 

Some of the Information seems overly detailed. Why does it matter that the Door is a double metal one? You also have an entire Screen worth of Space to use, why is there nothing for the Intro? But the Intro shouldn't be like that anyway I think, better to start off in the School and use Conversations with the other Students to talk about what happend and/or how you got there in more Detail.

The Bible Quote Part seems oddly placed and kind of shoehorned in. Kind of like you have 2 different Intros now. Would maybe be also better as in School, maybe as a history class or something?

Saving works at least, nice that RMB also lets you move back.

You're AI generated background Images don't fit the Text description. Expected.

I understand that its a Christianity-based Novel, but it reads more like Advertisement half of the Time.

Is Father John supposed to be a Minotaur? Not all that attractive, I think its the Ears. Or maybe the Facial Expression. Or the Hairstyle clashing a bit with the Horns. Which also seem to extrude out of the Hair not the Skull. The Hair should flow around them a bit I think. Damien is way better. Thought he's a Vampire, but apparently he's a Daywalker. Fine with me, but shouldn't he keep a more humanoid look then? Less pointy Ears, more natural Skincolor, maybe no red pupils?

I like the School Uniform, but the Pattern on the Pants/Tie is just lazily pasted, and doesn't follow the flow of the Cloth.

Do you need that long a description for the Harpy? You have the Images after all.

You even have the "I cut the Intro short here" Part in talking to Sera, you could just put the Intro in there, or later on in an explanation to her.

Slime description, again you have the Image for most of that. Whats with the Antenna talk? Is it a Snail now or something?

The Cathedral background looks especially unfitting, its inside a Town, not a School, and the Brikwoork doesn't work well at that resolution. Also its a School, why does it have an entire Cathedral? A small church or Shrine should be more then enough.

Apart from sounding like Advertisement it also seems like its a bit of self-ego stroking, with all the talk about how Christians are basically better then non-christians.

Wish I could name Saves, so I can easier remember what Point in the Story they are for.

Backgrounds change from daylight to nightlight as they see fit, not as it should be for the Story.

Didn't know Gabriel was supposed to be buffed in this. But I guess since he's one of the good Christians, constantly talking about his Love to God, and his Bible placement, He needs to be. And of course meditating by praying in the Shower.  The Intro talks about him being more of a "Go to Church and thats it" kind of Guy, but one Day into the School and he talks and acts more like a young Priest? Something feels off here.

Despite being a life-in School, theres no breakfast? But Dinner was mentioned before, so there definetly has to be a cantine, right?

Harpy in the Basketball Team? Sounds like cheating, if she can fly/hover. Isn't cheating un-christian?

Sheep-Nun-Teacher. Thats fitting. Gabriel having to introduce himself awkwardly made me wince. Didn't want to go through Stuff like that, but I guess it had to be.

Of course Class begins with more Advertising. Also noticed that only the Girls are introduced at all, I'm assuming its because they are the only dating options, and this is ment to be a dating Game. Makes Sense since there is no Player customization, but it feels a bit unnatural. Maybe introduce one or two Side characters aswell, you can use to get some special Items or Information, some Help or whatever in the Endeavor of romancing whoever? You have Damien ofcourse, but thats a 1 to 5 ratio. I'm not counting the Minotaur, he's neither cute, nor would he ever help with something like that I assume.

Of course Gabriel is also a quick reader, smart, buff, probably handsome, a Knight in shining Armor, good with People, good at Sports, etc. Is there anything the main Character is bad at? Any kind of Flaws?

"All this religious theology right off the bat on the first day is a lot to take in." - Yes it is. "I believe it all of course" - Of course you do Gabriel. You're a perfect Christian after all. And of course if basic religion and philosophy were tought in all public schools, it would encourage more thoughtful discourse. We had Religion in School, as a mandatory class, either Catholic, Protestanthism, or Ethic if you're not comfortable with Christianity due to being Jewish or something. Pretty much everyone just slept through it, nothing remained, nobody bettered themselves through it, it was a waste of Time. Not the Teachers fault, he was a really nice Guy, friendly, trying to help and so on, as opposed to some of the Others, but its not something that any of the Students would be interested in at all. 

Class goes for the entire first half of the Day just asking Students about how Christian they are? Now thats a waste of educational Time.

Finally Time to choose a Route. Its an obvious choice, I can't identify with the main Character, so I'll just swap things around. 

Now things get troublesome, Anime and self-improvement, aren really hobbies I think. I can see Anime being a discussion here, but self-improvement should be in anything, not something you dedicatedly do in your free-Time. Gaming and Reading are the obvious choices, but as a perfect Christian, Gabriel probably thinks of self-improvement as his Hobby, right? Lets go with Reading, see how obvious the Route goes. Of Course Gabriel reads a lot on Religion and the lives of different Saints. Is his Life just completely devoted to anything religion-like? 

First he has to say he's reassuring Eva, then you have the reassurance itself be displayed again? Do you need double Dialogue like that? And of course the Reassurance is half insulting by telling her that she constantly has a book in her Hand. She's supposed to be shy right? Would never invite you to the Library and/or try to help you find a book by herself. Not a Chance. If anything Clover should tell Gabriel that.

I said Gabriel likes reading as a hobby, immediately after that Scene he thinks about how he constantly talked to his Friends about Shows or Games tho, so I guess I was lying when I assumed his Hobbies? Not very Christian of me, Sorry.

Gym Background are some Trees, but Sounds are balls bouncing on Gymfloor. With a lot more talking then there should be. Also seems to be Gym is more of a relaxation period here with everyone doing what they want, and half of them just not doing any Sports at all. Is that how it is in America? Either Way, continuing trying to cheese through a route in the most obvious Way. Also Gym is Boys and Girls combined? Never, I refuse to believe that, especially in a catholic School.

Of course the first Way to redirect the talk away from Games is religion. Let's try it, I'm a bit curious on their opinions anyway. Not like I can't just save and reload, thank you for that, and thank you that its actually working. Of course Gabriel is just a raised Catholic, nothing special. Everyone of those prays in their morning Shower, works out every morning, is friendly, open, smart, and basically perfect in every Way. So more Advertisement. But this Time its on me, I chose that option myself after all.

At least its giving me pluspoints it seems, so good Choice.

Seeing as Gabriel is the perfect Guy, obviously he's beating the Basketball-Teams Harpies Score first Try. How else would it be?

Library has pretty much only Christian Books in it it seems. Works for a Catholic School I guess, but seems a bit slathered ontop of everything else. Would it hurt that much to have a bit of not-overly-Religious Stuff in there? Doesn't have to be straight up anti-religion or questioning any beliefs or whatever, but just some normal Stuff that doesn't stray into any Opinion? And of course even if I pick the least Religious book, Gabriel just immediately makes a Jesus reference over it, and how good it is for Religion. He's pretty much a Saint after all. 

Can't pick a Romance Novel I guess. Rude. Guess I'll just read everything else then. Seems to not do anything, as long as I make sure not to pick Romance.  Don't care much about Monster Girls, asked about Succubi just in case it matters. 

And again, Gabriel spends his free Time Gaming. I really lied when talking about Reading as a Hobby, didn't I? Almost has me wanting to load the old save and redo it all. But that'd probably go against the chosen Route. And of course Gabriel has to repeat how active and great he is every morning. But only ever eats Snackbars for Breakfast? Either eat a proper one in the Cantine or none at all, not Snacks first Thing int he morning.

Monster mash Halloween Dance in a Monster School. Heh, nice. You better have interesting Costume Sprites tho, if they just dress as themselves thats immensly boring.

I get a choice for a lot of Stuff, but not to choose Music or Art? I have to go with Music? And the Music Room uses the same Background as the regular Classroom? And first Thing during Gabriels talk with Aria he does is lie about the Battle of the Bands. I guess he's not that great of a Christian after all, constantly lying to get on the good Side of People? I personally hated singing, and singing in Choirs or Groups very much aswell, so none of that Soul Harmonizing Stuff, but I also dropped Music Class the first Opportunity I got, so I can't relate there. I can't related with pretty much most of this anyway.

Aria as the Musical Bandmember just mashes Rock, Punk, Emo and Goth into the same darker vibe evil music Genre? Doubtful. But sure, its Devil's music after all. Reloaded to just go to the Dorms immediately. Don't want to accidentally go down a wrong Route or something. Was only hoping to maybe run into Eva anyway, not into Aria.

Of course reading immediately starts with Advertising Christianities greatness or something. I don't know, as soon as something like that comes up I automatically turn off and skip through it at this Point. Of course Gabriel also exclaims he's not really all that Catholic or whatever when asked about it in the Cathedral. I sure hope Father John is not giving a full on Lecture at this Point. I expect it tho.

Surprising end of the Demo, alright, I've played this long enough anyway. 

Unsurprisingly would've gone down Evas Route. But what about Aria not liking dances? As a Band-member/Music inclined Person?

Overall a lot of the Text seems redundant, backgrounds need work but you said they are mostly AI generated at this Point if I recall correctly. Eva has a few Parts where she's really not acting like a shy booknerd would, Gabriel feels like he's too full of himself and constantly praising how great he is throughout the entire Novel, either by himself or through the Author, and most of this reads more like Advertisement for Christianity then a Visual Novel. If anything turned me more away from it then to it tho, probably not what you intended.

Please keep in mind, I don't play Visual Novels, I can't connect with Gabriel, I'm not overly Religious ( I'm not against it or trying to hate on it either, but just so you know), and this is pretty much in absolutely no Way intended for me.

(1 edit)

First off I'll clarify that the AI backgrounds are temporary and it's stated so in the opening.  I'm paying an actual artist for BG assets, it just takes time to produce it.  I just wanted a build for demo day for criticism on the text mostly.

>describing the girls in detail
I mean, it's a visual novel.  The MC usually describes the things he sees giving insight on how the MC is thinking.  Antennae talk is for a reason related to her backstory which is going to be in the full version.

>Advertisement of Christianity
About 65% of the people reading this so far haven't been Christian and they didn't have a problem with the level of Christianity in a Christian visual novel.  Could you be more specific about the things you didn't like?  I won't stop shilling Christianity in it, but if you think it's proselytizing or something, that could be a different problem.

>name saves
This is just the renpy system

>background inconsistencies
all temporary placeholders

>no breakfast
It's part of the story that the MC is lazy.  Going down the tomboy dragon girl's route will lead to a self-improvement route

>harpy on the basketball team
No, she's a cheerleader.  They play basketball in gym class, but she never flies

>class has more Christian advertising
It's literally a Catholic school.  These are the kinds of things they teach and I got the books from an official Catholic school's book list

>Gabriel is good at things
He's a self insert like most MCs and he's average at basically everything.  Literally jack of all trades, master of none.  Self inserts aren't particularly deep characters usually.

>Gym in America and mixed
Yeah, lots of times gym in America is lazy except sometimes when the gym teacher feels like making everyone do track or dodge ball or something.  Combined girls and boys is rare, sure, but this is a vn.  It also has monster girls in it.

>Book choices are religious
It was an assignment, no my fault if you didn't pay attention to that part.  If you follow Eva's route in the library instead of Clovers she'll offer some non-religious books too

>Mc has various interests
Yeah, you're not lying when YOU as the player want to focus on one to talk about.  The MC has a history of trying a lot of things but not having a favorite.  In VNs, you decide what the MC cares about most during the route you're playing in order to go down the routes of the girls you like.

>MC is perfect buy you have a problem if he has a bad diet
Yeah, even if it's minor, nothing about him is perfect, just average

>MC lies, this is not okay
I thought you had a problem with perfect MCs?  I'm confused now.  YOU assumed he was a perfect Christian after all

>Rock, Punk, Emo and Goth is evil
Again, your assumption.  I like darker music too.  She'll literally a goth vampire girl

>Advertising Christianity in the dorms
Not my fault you're ignoring the assigned homework, but it's also your choice to skip the Christianity in a Christian VN

>Eva is shy
Unfortunately, that's just the only sprite I have.  She will be written to be more of a bratty tsundere, and the dere part is shy.

>Aria doesn't like dances
Goths usually don't like school functions.  Could you imagine a school hosting a goth band?  Neither can she

>Christian shilling
Yeah, again though that's going to be a thing because it's one of the only pro-Christian VNs around.  The only problem I'd have with it is if it's actively proselytizing rather than evangelizing.  If it's browbeating "atheist bad, Christian good" that could be a problem, but if it's saying "Christianity is a good alternative to the nihilism that everyone else is pedaling right now" then it's not a problem to me.  I do have most of the girls in various religious states:  Protestant, "spiritual but not religious or even Christian", atheist, devout Catholic, and pagan.  Of course Christianity wins out in the end because that is what this is, just like 95% of anime/vns are just "might is right" or "my beliefs as the hero are right over the bad guy's beliefs because power of friendship" or something empty like that.

If anything here I've said is misrepresenting what you meant, please clarify.  I want to take any good advice I see and have already implemented some advice to make it better, including being more inclusive to other viewpoints, so long as it doesn't completely contradict the main point of the VN.  Thanks for taking the time to read and review!

>About 65% of the people reading this so far haven't been Christian and they didn't have a problem with the level of Christianity in a Christian visual novel.  Could you be more specific about the things you didn't like?  I won't stop shilling Christianity in it, but if you think it's proselytizing or something, that could be a different problem.

I don't have a problem with the amount of Christianity in it, just that it seems to portrait Christianity as the absolute perfect State.  Basically every Time it talks about anything related to that it seems to be as tho its talking about how great it is to be Christian and how everything is so good with that. 

>It's part of the story that the MC is lazy.

The only mention or feel of lazyness comes from the Breakfast. Morning Workout, Prayers during Shower, always on Time, curious about others, always trying to socialize, tries to do their Homework to make up for the shift in Time, all of that reads like the total opposite of being lazy. 

>It was an assignment, no my fault if you didn't pay attention to that part. 

I recall something like that, must've slipped through all the preaching.

>Yeah, you're not lying when YOU as the player want to focus on one to talk about.  The MC has a history of trying a lot of things but not having a favorite.  In VNs, you decide what the MC cares about most during the route you're playing in order to go down the routes of the girls you like.

The Issue with this I have is, that despite me deciding the MC likes Books as a hobby, everytime they themselves talk about their Hobbies, its always about Videogames. If I decide on Books, they should talk about how they read Books in their Freetime, not about how they played Games.

>Unfortunately, that's just the only sprite I have.  She will be written to be more of a bratty tsundere, and the dere part is shy.

I mistook the Character then. I thought Eva is supposed to be shy and reclusive, hiding behind her Books.

>I thought you had a problem with perfect MCs?  I'm confused now.  YOU assumed he was a perfect Christian after all

I do, its fine if he lies, but throughout the whole Story he is depicted as the perfect Christian, so it feels odd when suddenly he's ok lying. What I'm trying to say is that the talk about Christianity in this feels artificially good. I'm not saying it can't be a good Thing or that you can't be a happy Chrisitan, but reading through every Text in this always seems like it only portraits a perfect imaginary World. I can understand if the School teaches majorly or only the good Sides, but even the interaction between Students, even if they're supposed to be more of a raised Christian not devoted Christian like the PlayerCharacter, seem to only talk about how great it is being Christian. 

>Rock, Punk, Emo and Goth is evil

Thats an assumption I took based on the Cliche of older Christians assuming that. Since as a Musiclover Aria should differentiate between those Genres and not lump then all together into one. But instead she just puts it all into one Basket. This just feels odd for a Music loving Character, especially one thats into those Genres.

>Goths usually don't like school functions.  Could you imagine a school hosting a goth band?  Neither can she

Its not about hating the School Function, Its about loving Music and hating the big Music related school Function.  It'd be similar to her not choosing MusicClass but Art, just because Music-Class doesn't sing Punkrock in a Catholic School.

> The only problem I'd have with it is if it's actively proselytizing rather than evangelizing.  If it's browbeating "atheist bad, Christian good" that could be a problem, but if it's saying "Christianity is a good alternative to the nihilism that everyone else is pedaling right now" then it's not a problem to me.

Which is basically the Core issue I have. I understand wanting to portrait it as a good alternative, I have nothing agains that. And I agree on that it can be a good alternative. But this doesn't read like that. It reads like every opportunity that talks about Christianity or Religion is a suptle Advertisment trying to lure me in. You don't actively badtalk other Alterantives as far as I recll, but you're constantly overpraising Christianity. Like if you're reading a Book about something completely unrelated, like maybe Flowers or something, and at every Opportunity the Author just goes "This Flower is very Beautiful. Like the Face of God, which changed my Life by the Way. If you open your Heart to them, you too could see the Light." And then continues on a page long Loveletter instead of talking about the Flower in Question.

I understand that its a Christian Novel, and that it obviously plays a huge Part. But the Way it gets portrayed just feels over the Top and too perfect. Just like when someone tells you that his new Soap is going to remove all your Issues with a single Swipe. You just know that you'll still have to scrub a bit, even if its a really good Soap. And I think it'd read less like advertising if you somehow showed that a bit more. That yes, Christianity can be a good Alternative, and that throughout the Story the PlayerCharacter becomes a more devoted Believer or whatever and everything ends out well, but that its not just because he suddenly woke up and decided to be a good Christian today, but that the Road has some ups and downs, that he had to work on it himself at some Times. I'm assuming a lot of this comes from not being American, as far as I know its pretty different in Terms of how Christianity is seen and/or taught overseas, especially in actual Christian Families, and of course the Facts that I don't play VNs, and haven't been raised very Religious, more like completely non-religious. 

Still, I don't think its about the Message itself you're trying to convey, but more about how it is conveyed. 

I'm sorry, this probably comes of very differently from how I intend it to, I'm not trying to badmouth anything or anyone here, especially not your Religion, I'm just trying to say that the Way it is showcased may be a bit to perfect, instead of what is showcased. Maybe that'd be different in the full Game when the different Routes are explored more, or in a Route with one of the Girls that isn't as devoted as I think Eva is supposed to be. Sorry.

( Also the initial Post might be offputting due to me being ESL, and especially becoming more and more frustrated with feeling like I'm in a big Advertisement then in a Game the longer it went on. That'd probably led to a more sarcastic undertone later on, when I talked about lumping all the Music Genres into one big evil Pool, or the perfect Christian PlayerCharacter who is then still constantly lying)

(1 edit)

>Music lover Aria should differentiate between genres

She was being asked what genres she plays and lists them as four different genres.  I'm not sure what you're getting at

>at every Opportunity the Author just goes "This Flower is very Beautiful. Like the Face of God, which changed my Life by the Way. If you open your Heart to them, you too could see the Light." And then continues on a page long Love letter instead of talking about the Flower in Question.

I feel that this is very disingenuous.  The only time that Christianity is outright praised is in the religious literature class or inside of the books that are literally quoting Christian authors.  Outside of that, it's just the MC trying to be a good Christian.  You'll have to quote me anything more specific that comes across this blatantly sickeningly sweet and flowery

>the amount of it is overbearing

Even so, I'll still keep it in mind and lump it into consideration with what everyone else says.  If enough people feel that it's too in your face and not enough people feel it's just right or too little, then I'll make accommodations for it to be less in your face, or at least space them out a lot more with more slice of life character interactions, but I already removed some "perfect Christian MC moments" that I'm thinking of reserving for another character anyways.  The MC already feels like a lukewarm Christian to me who doesn't do a lot, but he IS self-conscious about that not that he's at a Catholic school.  That's how I'm intending it to come off as anyways.  It might also be because so much of our life is secular that having a thought a day about religion can seem like a lot when even in the past 150 years every thought might have been guided by religion.

>apologizing for criticism

Don't worry about it.  I wouldn't be in AGDG if I couldn't handle criticism so criticize away!