I don't want to be offensive and say English clearly isn't the first language here when that might not be the case at all, but that's what it seems like, so I'm completely ignoring the grammatical issues. I think the story is still more than understandable and it's a fun ride. I saw in the comments that you got all this work done in just a day??? That's really impressive, you got a LOT done in a really short amount of time, even shorter than many of us had to work on our games. Your dialogue feels pretty natural, and the story seems to go along pretty smoothly. Also, I really love your thumbnail pic! I'm assuming it's yours, and if you end up illustrating your story with art like that then it'll only make it better, even though I still think this is a solid piece even without any illustrations.
My only request? Please make the window a little bigger! I have no idea how many people don't read stuff in full screen, but I'm one of those people, and you've got tons of room on the page to open up the readable area! You don't have to make it bigger of course, it's just a personal thing!
Overall, good job :D
