Post by Melancholy Marionette in Sapphire Snowe: The Bear, The Beast & The Blizzard comments

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That sucks :( Why can’t life just let us both feel good for a decent amount of time for once, haha.

Honestly, I’m not even sure how to describe how I am at the moment >.< It’s like, I’m burned out in general, but still want to work on project stuff really badly. I think the problem is just evil depression trying to throttle me again :( I know people say you shouldn’t watch the news and stuff cos it can make you even worse when you’re in a bad place, but I keep seeing things or hearing things involuntarily and it’s just the state of the UK but also the world in general makes me want to give up. I just really don’t want to be here, but I feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter.

I know it maybe sounds like a bit of a pathetic thing to say but why is it so hard just to exist? >.<

And then I feel guilty for feeling like I do cos I have good things and good people in my life! I wish that that could stop me from feeling so depressed but at the same time, I know that’s not how it works :( It just sucks though. I feel like I should be happy and it’s not like I’m incapable of feeling happiness, but it’s like no matter what happens, I am stuck with a stupid brain that would always rather not exist.

Not having save states is pretty bad >.< I know when I’ve taken part in competitive game jams, the judges have said that if a game doesn’t have the ability to save, they are automatically disqualifying it because it’s unacceptable in games with branching paths and choices to not be able to save x3

Yeah, and yet some people just vote blindly. I will never understand that. Just don’t vote at all if you’re not going to look up what a person or party stands for o.O

It’s kind of funny because the impression that the US seems to give off to the UK is that everything is great and the US is the best and most powerful country in the world x3 but then many people in the UK seem to think that the US is crazy, haha.

I have no idea what impression the UK gives off to other countries, but if anyone sees us as anything other than pathetic, they have been fed lies xD We’re a crappy little island with a failing economy where half or more of the population is in ill health. Homelessness is outrageously high for a supposedly developed country, and so is poverty.

I think when it comes to medication, or at least with the thyroid stuff that you can get in the US but not here, it all comes down to money, like most things, sadly :( It’s a more expensive drug, so we don’t buy it. We buy the cheap one that’s only half as effective and tell people to take that and get on with life x3

Hurray for clean clothes! I love the feeling of stuff that’s fresh and clean, especially bedsheets and pyjamas x3 Now I need to do washing but can’t cos my brother has hogged the machine for the past week >.<

Unfortunately, if you did try to chase pervert guests or get them back in some way, even if you tried to explain it to your attraction manager, they wouldn’t care :( at least not where I was. They’d probably tell you off if anything for abandoning your post >.< We did have a code word we were supposed to shout if an incident like that happened with a guest, but the system was pointless cos half the time it was too loud for anyone to hear you shout, and aside from that, the guest would already be long gone by then! :(

I honestly don’t know how they were able to keep workers there xD I was close to quitting myself, but I stuck it out for the parts of it that were fun, and for the friend I had made there cos I didn’t wanna leave her. Plus I knew it wasn’t for more than a month, so that helped! But yeah, it definitely wasn’t a job people did for the money, haha. Everyone there just did it for the love of scaring I think x3 And plenty of people did quit partway through! I don’t blame em at all.

I think they actually struggle to hire enough actors each year cos they advertise A LOT and always have vacancies even once the season has started, haha.

Yeah, it’s not nice to be forced to do anything really, but if it’s something you’re absolutely terrified of, it’s even worse >.< I mean, I can understand why people do it sometimes because, in the right situation, it can be good to face your fears because you can end up better off for it :3 But that’s not always the case, and with something like forcing people to go on rides or through scare attractions, it’s just mean >.< If a person doesn’t like stuff like that, they’re probably not gonna magically start enjoying it just cos they’ve been exposed to it more :(

Ahh, that’s fair enough! For me, I will always pick being too cold over being too hot, haha. I hate both x3 it’s just I can tolerate being cold easier than hot I think.

As for what the boss was thinking by not having a backup person for that room… I can’t say for sure, but I’m guessing they were just being tight and trying to save money >.< They probably care more about the money they make than the experience that guests have, sadly. At least, that was the vibes I got from management. And I don’t mean like the lower management cos most of them were lovely and really seemed enthusiastic. I mean more like the higher management who rarely showed their faces around the place >.< And the guy right at the top definitely seemed like a total dick from the one time I met him x3 I don’t think he’s head of the company anymore though.

Actually, and this is probably gonna seem pretty weird, but I don’t like ASMR xD I find it extremely uncomfortable to listen to and it makes me want to smash things, haha. I know that probably sounds crazy considering I purposefully include ASMR-like elements in most of my projects x3 but I do that because I’m a big sound design nerd and I find implementing stuff like that a lot of fun! It’s interesting how different audio techniques can add tension and stuff to scenes, but when it comes to having to test out those moments myself… I hate it T_T haha.

Maybe it’s partly because I haven’t heard an asmr-tist (is that a word? I don’t know x3) that doesn’t make me cringe yet… like, everything I’ve tried to listen to in the past has been the sort of scenario I would expect to love, but then the dialogue has just been really bad >.< too cheesy or too much, or just not particularly natural? I don’t really know how to describe it but it’s always made me want to turn it off and never come back x3 I can tolerate it more if it’s in other languages, but if it’s bad dialogue in English, I can’t stand it.

I don’t think that’s the only thing though. I’ve never really liked people being close to my face or whispering to me in general, especially in my ears xD It gives me the kind of shivers that I’m sure are pleasant to many people, but to me, they’re horrible, haha. Like being tickled with audio x3 (I also hate being tickled xD)

Yeah, I’m not a fan of characters who want a prize instead of a lover x3 You can’t interact with them properly if they only see you as an object!

I guess Takaaki does get a little angry with MC at times, but he always ultimately blames himself or Sakae for it rather than actually blaming MC at least :3 And he never hurts MC in anger, more just kinda gives them lectures, haha. And the one time he really loses his shit, he’s more super upset than angry and sees it all as being his own fault because he didn’t do a good enough job of protecting MC from Sakae.

I do think Takaaki is fairly close to my personal preference of yandere too :3

I would love to visit Finland! I don’t even have a valid passport though, so I won’t be going anywhere T_T haha.

Holy moly, that sounds like torture only eating walnuts for 2 days o.O I think I would probably end up passing out if I tried something like that >.< Dieting does suck, which is why I’ve tried my best to compromise and sort of make it so that while I’m on a permanent diet in the sense that I constantly have to monitor my calorie intake and stuff, I’m not eating 100% healthy things all of the time or completely starving myself because if I did that, I’d just be completely miserable x3

I feel like it’s best to try and get a balance where you’re eating a mixture of healthy stuff purely because it’s good for you, healthy stuff that you eat cos you actually like it, and unhealthy stuff that you know is bad, but makes you happy cos it’s tasty and just make sure to have it in moderation, haha.

Like, we eat frozen pizza every Sunday! That’s not healthy, but we purposefully eat healthier meals Monday-Thursday to try and offset it, and we never have pizza more than once a week. Friday-Sunday we allow ourselves to have junk food (though I personally still have to keep an eye on the calories whereas my dad and brother just go wild x3)

And I even eat a bit of chocolate most days, but make sure to know exactly how much I’m having and never exceed 200kcal of chocolate in a single day. Usually try to keep it to more like 150kcal. I’d love to have more xD but the main thing is, by having a little bit and having it often, it means I don’t crave it, so I never lose control and binge on it. Cos if I were to cut it out, I would definitely end up getting bad cravings and end up binge-eating it eventually, and that would be bad, haha.

I’ve tried all kinds of diets in the past, and all of them were awful x3 One I tried had me eating only celery for lunch every day and I hated it so much T_T What I do now isn’t exactly perfect, but it’s better than following set diets from books or online at least.

Speaking of Nutrigrain bars, I used to have that sort of thing as my breakfast, haha. Now my breakfast is usually a small pot of yoghurt + a protein bar since I lack protein in my diet :3 And even though it’s not the world’s healthiest breakfast, it’s always under 300kcal and I actually like the taste of it, so it works for me!

I did try diet shakes and stuff in the past, but I really hate having liquid as a meal, haha. It always feels like I haven’t had anything if I haven’t chewed it somehow >.< Lunch is always hard cos again, I try to have no more than 300kcal for lunch same as with breakfast, so I have something like a healthy soup and then add flax seeds + veggies! Not very exciting, but then lunch is the most boring meal of the day anyways imo x3

My evening meal is probably the only ‘proper’ meal I eat each day which will be more like 500-800kcal!

And I never snack between meals. Always just breakfast, lunch, dinner, then a tiny amount of chocolate + a coffee sometime after dinner, haha.

Oh, boy, cleaning up pee just shouldn’t be your job >.< I remember I went into an accessible toilet once after 2 kids from the same family had just been in there and there was pee EVERYWHERE! It took me a good 10 minutes to clean up after them before I could even use the toilet myself because it was all over the floor, toilet, and walls somehow o.O It’s kind of a good job I went in there after them because if someone who was physically disabled needed to use it, they would have struggled to clean it all up.

The problem is, it was the only toilet that the cafe had, so everyone was going in there. Why on earth they didn’t invest in at least a separate unisex toilet to keep the accessible one for people who need it I do not know >.<

And the dog jumping on the table too o.O Jeez. They really need to train the dog >.< That’s insane trying to live with a pet that has no house training. Surely that must stress everyone out!

I love green tea :3 But put cinnamon in any tea and I’m sold xD Lemon and ginger I’m actually not so much a fan of! The ginger part, yes, the lemon part, no x3 I once went to a tea house with my friend and her boyfriend, and we ordered a tiramisu-flavoured tea. They brought some honey + a lemon wedge to squeeze, and I put my lemon wedge in the bin right away. My friend’s boyfriend looked at me with a pretend scowl and said “How dare you!” xD

Lemon is a weird flavour for me in general! I like lemon cheesecake, and I like lemongrass in stuff like a thai curry (didn’t used to, couldn’t stand it years ago but love it now x3), but just lemon in tea or lemon zest or juice in dressings or added in cooking I find horrible, haha.

Yeah, I do find some herbal blends can help my stomach! Ginger and turmeric tea seems to work really well if I have bloating x3

I definitely think most teas are relaxing :3 Coffee used to wake me up a long time ago, now it’s like I’m immune to it x3 I think I probably have a caffeine addiction tbh cos if I don’t have a coffee in the morning I feel kinda weird >.< I really like the taste of strong coffee though, so it’s too hard to give it up!

Tbh I still don’t know what the answer to avoiding or recovering from burnout is >.< I’ve been working on stuff slowly because I feel like I want to and I know I would be extra depressed if I didn’t, but at the same time, slowing down doesn’t feel like it’s helping with burn out at all :( Like I’m resting but I don’t feel rested kinda thing, if that makes any sense!

I have a bad feeling I’m just gonna keep feeling worse as the weather gets warmer and warmer because every year, I have a huge slump during the summer where it feels like I can’t do anything at all >.< Maybe this year will be different, but I doubt it.

I bought some cheap herbs to look after cos doing gardening stuff sometimes takes my mind off of things when I can’t physically go out for walks. So now I have some baby herbs to try and keep alive x3

But yeah, I dunno. I still feel really overwhelmed with everything >.< It just feels like it’s impossible to ever catch up on the stuff I’m behind on, and even if I could, I’d never manage to stay on top of it. I guess all you can do is take things day by day.

Aromatherapy does help a bit! And I have this thing called an acupuncture massage ring that I can roll up and down my fingers which helps a tiny bit as well. Sometimes taking a concentrated passionflower tablet can help before going to do something that’s really upping my anxiety, but not always. It’s like there’s too much anxiety there for even an entire toolkit to counter cos if I try to go places on my own, I feel like I need to get back inside as quickly as possible >.< The biggest help is having someone actually with me to go out, but of course, that;s no help in social situations because people can’t speak for me :(

It really does sound like hell though for you to have to live with people who are not only not supportive in any way, but actively make your life worse :( I wish you didn’t have to live like that. It reminds me a bit of when I used to live with abusive people, and it always felt like I needed to escape but there was no way out.

You have every right to complain though even if you did decide to live with them because it sounds like they’re contributing a lot to making your life miserable when they could be doing things to help instead :( It’s not nice to have to fall back on family or friends only to find that they make your life hell >.<

I’ve heard a lot of Unity devs are switching to Godot! I probably would too if I had the willpower to learn how to use a different engine, but since Nani only works with Unity as far as I know, I think it would be too difficult and time-consuming for me to switch :( I can imagine I would be the same as you and get quickly overwhelmed! Once I’m stuck in my ways with something I’ve learned how to use, I really struggle to change to something else even if it’s for the better in the long run!

You don’t need to make me anything anyhow, you silly sausage x3 You already do so much just by chatting with me!

Hehe, yeah x3 I will never say no to chocolate gifts! I bought some used trousers for £1 online recently, and the seller sent 2 little chocolate eggs in the package with the trousers and that pretty much made my day, haha. I thought it was super sweet, but my brother said the person was probably trying to poison people o.o I ate them anyways and I didn’t die yet xD

I don’t even know where most of April has gone tbh >.< Can’t believe it’s almost May already! And now I am being harassed again by the gov about my PIP claim, which just pretty much destroyed me the past few days. They’re repeatedly trying to phone me even though I’ve requested contact in writing cos of my anxiety and not being able to process auditory information properly. It even says that on my voicemail if anyone tries to call me! But aside from that, they have that info from me in writing. I don’t understand why they are so set on making calls :( I know it’s not a big deal for many people to just pick up the phone, but for me, it feels the same as if someone broke into my house >.<

They didn’t even bother to say what it is they actually want or need to speak to me about, just that they will keep calling. I wish they would just leave me alone.

Anyways, I hope that you at least get to have a good last few days of April!!

vocaloidsrcool215 days ago(+1)

Warning: I wrote this when I was half asleep, so there might be typos. XD

Life has a grudge against us, I suppose.

When my grandma would watch the news, it would always be about a shooting at a school, or on the streets, or someone getting hurt in general. Even my young nephews watch videos about song artists getting killed, or getting hurt in prison. So, I know how discouraging it can be.

That's not pathetic. I constantly wonder why I'm even alive. I mean, there honestly doesn't seem to be a reason. I'm just...existing, and it is really depressing.

Even when my mom was alive, there were times when I got depressed. And my mom spoiled me, and loved me unconditionally, so I also felt like I should be happy. It was always either my cousins or my bad grades at school bringing me down, and I hated it.

I'm playing a Unity game right now that doesn't have saves. It has four separate game days, and it is really long. Plus, when it crashes on Winlator, I have to play it from the beginning again. It is in a beta state as well, so the crashes happen because of game bugs, not Winlator. The game is called Your Boyfriend, and the creator has said that it doesn't have saves because her version of Unity didn't have saves already. But she uses monobleeding edge too, so that doesn't make sense.

I guess they just like being able to vote, and being able to choose who runs the country.

Trust me, we're mad as hatters over here. XD Society has made everyone self-conscious about their image, the food here is too rich and fattening, and like I said before, the suicide rate is very high.

I always thought the UK was one of those places I could go to meet people who were actually nice and friendly where I didn't have to worry about peer pressure, or society judging me. I am so sorry that is how it actually is. The UK deserves better.

Well, I'm glad that you at least have that. I just hope that you don't feel too bad because of the lack of proper medicine.

I get that. My cousin, my other cousin, my nephews, and my cousins' boyfriend's clothes take priority over mine. It's not fun waiting to wash your clothes, or sheets.

That does not sound like a safe working environment. I am really glad that you don't work there anymore.

There does seem to be plenty of fun involved, but, I could only continue for my friend if sexual harrassment is involved.

If they treat their workers better, they wouldn't have that problem. I wish that they could see that.

I get what you mean by it being good to face your fears, like overcoming stage fright, so that you can be an actress, but I am terrified of heights, so I can't stand riding rollercoasters, and my cousins know that I hate heights. I think they are just sadistic.

Everyone's bodies are different, so I understand that. My cousins and nephews are always hot when I'm cold, so it sucks, because they always open the windows when it is cold outside, leaving me freezing.

Higher ups, do tend to be a bit snobby, and rude. At least, that's what I've heard. I really do hope that he got fired, and someone nicer took his place.

When I watch an english dub of One Piece, I am shocked by how bad some of the english voice acting is, and I love that anime, so I understand. Some characters voices make me cringe, and I wonder how the team that made the anime thought they were a good choice to voice that character.

That's perfectly fine. People have different pet peeves that turn them off. For me, it's jump scares in games. I will have a mini heart attack playing Five Nights At Freddy's, and I don't find it fun to have a character suddenly jump out at you.

Still, I am glad that you include it in your games, because I really love it. And you pick the best voice actors too! It's heaven. Yandere Heaven~

Because you want to be seen as a person, not something to be owned.

Well, that is better than a yandere that physically hurts the mc to punish them, and then says that it is their fault for making them like that, or that they made them jealous. Which is strange, because in the game that I'm playing called Your Boyfriend, Peter, the love interest can do all of that, but it depends on the choices that you make. He can be the sweetest yandere you've ever known if you make the right dialogue choices, which is what I'm doing now.

That might be why you created him. Maybe he is a guilty pleasure of yours?

Neither one of us will be able to go then, because I also don't have a passport. It would be nice, though.

I ate like two big bags of them, and I had two cups of coffee, which I think kept the hunger away because of all the caffeine.

But, it is true that when you diet, you should at least eat food that tastes good, but doesn't have too many calories. I love tuna fish sandwiches, even if mayonaise is fattening, because tuna is fish, and fish is healthy, right? So I feel like that balances it out.

Here we have fried or frozen food every day, but, personally, I try to watch my intake of it. Like, if I know we are having fried chicken for dinner, I will try to stave off my hunger with multiple cups of coffee, and a few walnuts, until then, or if we have chicken nuggets, or pizza rolls, I won't get too many of them. We also always have noodles, but I can't tell if they are healthy or not, because even though they seem healthy, the seasoning in the packet might have a lot of sodium, which isn't good for you. But, we hardly ever have sweets...okay, my nephews do, but my cousin will usually say that's their after school snack, so don't touch it, so I usually don't have to worry about sugar content, except in coffee, and then, I go wild. XD But, I do sometimes have oatmeal, which is reaaally good, by the way, and very healthy.

I don't hate celery, but I at least want to eat it with peanut butter. That is honestly delicious! Eating it by itself, would be miserable.

Since we no longer have multigrain bars, I have either cereal, bacon and eggs, or oatmeal for breakfast. Now, while I do like cereal, I know that it isn't very healthy, so I do prefer oatmeal, because it is healthy AND it tastes good. I only have bacon and eggs when someone makes it for a family meal, because I don't like it as much It is greasy, and fattening, and I like oatmeal a lot better.

Yeah, a shake really is just a drink anyway, so that is understandable. I imagine drinking it while eating a protein bar might make it easier to have for breakfast.

My favorite soup is chicken noodle soup. A bit basic, but it's healthy and tasty~ But, yeah, lunch isn't really my favorite meal, anyway.

Dinner for me is either chicken nuggets, pizza rolls, fried chicken, with some veggies and rice, or noodlea, so, yes, kind of heavy. I haven't had tuna fish since we last got some months ago, and I miss it. That was healthy and tasty, but, oh well.

I haven't had chocolate in a while, but I have coffee every day, and I can't function without it. XD

My nephews aren't even that bad. At least they keep it on the toilet seat. But, yeah, cleaning up pee isn't fun, and neither is washing the mop out...or being told that I didn't clean it good enough, or that the mop still smells. It isn't my dog in the first place, so I shouldn't be cleaning up after it, but, then you add insult to injury by saying that I didn't do it right? Come on, that is not fair! >.<

My cousin only likes to watch the dog when her boyfriend is around, because the dog is scared of him, so I watch it a lot. When the kids get home, they play games when they should be watching it, and I end up looking after it again. At least they clean up its' poop, so that's something. But, yeah, it is stressful. It is a really big dog, so the kids can't walk it, because they don't have enough strength to keep it under control. And my cousin refuses to walk it as well. They say it is too expensive to pay for a dog trainer, and no one wants to train it. My cousins boyfriend yells orders at it, bit no one else can get it to listen to them. It is really depressing.

My cousin loves putting cinnamon in her coffee, but, I'm too scared to try it. I might put some in my tea when we get some more though, if it really is that good.

My mom used to put sugar on lemon slices, and eat them just like that, and it almost made me dislike lemons. But, I love lemonaid too much to stop drinking it. I also love lemon flavored candy. But not everyone has the same tastebuds or loves the same thing. I don't really like dark chocolate. I know that it is healthier than milk chocolate, and is good for your heart, but it is just SO bitter. I can eat it, but I would need to wash the taste out of my mouth with something.

Does turmeric tea taste good? I've never heard of it before.

I think that I was immune to the effects of coffee for a short while, but I guess that when you get tired enough, the caffeine can have some effect on your body...either that or it's because we have a different brand of coffee now. Either way, I am so addicted to coffee that I drink it even when there is no cream or sugar. I know that I have a problem, but I don't care. :D

I can get a full eight hours of sleep, and still feel tired, so I think I understand. It's even worse if you are woken up, only to be told to clean up, or to wash the mop out. After that, I don't feel like doing anything for the rest of the day.

Warm weather can make you tired. It might be the reason why some kids and teenagers say that they will do a lot of things for summer break, and then end up doing nothing. So, don't feel bad about that. And, you don't have to force yourself to do anything. If you still feel the same way this summer, it is completely okay! ^-^

Ooh, you garden? That is so cool! I would be terrible at that, mostly because I would forget to water them every day. That's why playing games and reading is my hobby. XD

I have the opposite problem. It feels like I'm not doing much of anything, like I'm not doing enough, and I hate it. So being behind on stuff means that you have things that you need to do, something to work on, and that makes it sound like you have a goal to achieve. That's a good thing, because no one can say that you are being lazy, or that you aren't doing anything. So you are doing great.

At least you can go out. I've been a shut in for so long, that if I tried to go out and interact with people, even just to go grocery shopping, I feel like I would screw it all up. I would need to relearn how to socialize, and even then, I would be like a terrified rabbit, in a world full of hungry wolves. I couldn't do it.

I thought about leaving, going to a shelter, or something. But, the thought of being around a bunch of strangers is scary, too. I'm also afraid of the unknown, and at least I know what to expect living with my relatives, but I don't know what will happen someplace else, or how other people will react to me, or how to deal with them. You are lucky to have gotten out of your own situation, and I really am happy for you.

For as long as I've been living with them, I thought that I had to do everything that they said, because I was living under their roof. But, it didn't mean that I always took the abuse that they gave me. Fighting and arguing with them only makes things worse, and they tell me that if I act out, I can give them back anything that they gave to me, and find a job, and leave. They know that I'm scared to go outside, so they use that to scare me into doing what they want. Or they say that I might as well do something since I'm not working...I hate it so much. You are the only one who understands me, and you are so far away. But, I am grateful to have you. I really am.

When you find something that you are comfortable with, it is hard to change to something else. Besides, Godot doesn't show graphics well on Winlator. Characters have missing hair, and clothes, and look like dress up dolls, the text doesn't show, and the background is a bunch of blurry colors that look like someone mixed paint together on a canvas. So I wouldn't be able to play your games anymore.

Aww, that is really sweet~ But, I found a visual novel maker called RenJs that I think is entirely web-based. I have already made a short game to thank someone who helped me when I was having trouble playing a game, and I want to make one for you too. All you have to do with RenJs is format your words correctly, and you have a game! You type the words into the text file for the script, change the name of the character in a different file, and it even comes with sprites that are free to use!

It is almost like a sign telling me to make you a game. XD Joking, but I really do want to. One thing though - I really like the sprites that you used for your game "Solipsism Reigns". If those sprites are free to use, can you please tell me where to get them, because I forgot, and please tell me who to give credit to for the images. Thank you!

That reminds me of a youtuber who ordered food that people made and sold on a website. She did a google search for how long it would take for food poisoning to set in. XD Luckily, she was fine after eating all of that food. Your brother seems sweet to warn you about them though. It sounds like he really cares about you.

At that point, I would get my relatives to call the police on them and explain the situation. Maybe then they would listen, and write down what they need to tell you.

And don't worry about me judging you about not picking up the phone. I can't even leave this apartment, so I understand not being able to do something that most people would think is normal.

Now that I can make proper games, I think that I will be able to distract myself from my problems at least a little. I hope that things get better for you, too.

Melancholy Marionette169 days ago

Since it's apparently been almost 50 days since you sent this according to itch, I just wanted to let you know that I did read it a while back >.< It's just I'm so buried with the game jam stuff for otome/josei jam atm that I haven't had a chance to actually type out a reply :( I didn't want you to think I had forgotten though! Especially since itch has now wiped off the notification of your message from my dashboard because it was so long ago T_T I'm just gonna bookmark the page so I can find it easier when I do eventually have a chance to respond!

I hope that you're okay though + that something sweet has happened recently that made you smile :3

vocaloidsrcool168 days ago(+1)

It's okay, I know how life can be sometimes.

I am trying to make a short game to experiment more with RenJs, but the indentation is hard, because I have to write everything in a certain format. Oh, well, it might be easier than Renpy, but I wish that I could use Tyranobuilder, because it sounds so easy to use.

I am busy trying to dissociate from my relatives and life, which is why I am making a game to begin with. All I have as sprites are ai from a free ai generator site, and they're kind of bad, but, hey, they are free at least.

I hope your life gets better or is already starting to get better. I miss you, by the way. Stay safe, and happy~ \(^O^)/ (^_^)

Melancholy Marionette136 days ago

Hey hey! Hope you are hanging in there! :3 I am… just about >.< haha.

I guess life does have a grudge against us :( My prize for finishing up with the game jams was a giant migraine xD And then when that finally went away, I went for a walk with my pops and fell in some stinging nettles x3 My fingers still sting now and it’s like 20 hours later or something o.O Not as bad as when it happened, but more like a dull sorta pins & needles kinda feeling where I got stung.

I’m sorry you struggle with that too :( It is indeed depressing not really knowing why you’re alive. I guess really, there’s not much of a reason for any of us humans to be alive when all we do as a species is parasitise the planet we live on >.< I feel like if nature had a will & a way to eradicate humanity, it would do so in a heartbeat, haha.

I guess the big difference between us and many other people is that they somehow manage to find a purpose that gives them a sense of belonging and a reason to keep going.

I do sort of get that from making games. It gives me something to get up in the morning for, but it’s not really the same as someone genuinely feeling like they have a reason to exist, more like a kinda coping mechanism because I’m forced to exist and need to do something with my time that helps me forget that x3

I will never understand how some people seemingly smile through everything even when stuff goes wrong, but like you said, for people like us, we can have happy times and be in good situations, but when something goes wrong, it’s all too easy to end up depressed right away :(

I wish I could be one of those sorts of people who can easily brush stuff off and keep going!

Oh, boy, that’s not good >.< Did you ever manage to finish that game? :o

I can understand games not having saves if they’re short. Heck, in the one I just released for O2A2, I purposefully removed the save system because it’s such a short game. But anything that takes 20+ mins to play should probably have a save/load system, otherwise it’s just gonna get frustrating >.<

Ooooh, right, I know of Your Boyfriend! I’ve never played the game myself because it doesn’t really appeal to me, but I’ve come across a LOT of Your Boyfriend stuff online while looking for yandere media in general, haha.

At one point, it was so bad that I couldn’t really find anything else to read about because everyone was just posting about Your Boyfriend xD I never really understood why it was so popular tbh. I guess there must be something about it! It’s just never looked like my cup of tea personally.

That is a bit of a weird statement of the dev to make though cos if she’s using Naninovel to make it, the save/load system is there by default, so you would have to remove it on purpose.

If she’s not using Naninovel, that explains why. But at the same time, from what I understand, it is CRAZY to attempt to make a VN with Unity if you’re not using Naninovel, haha. It’s just not done because it would be so awkward x3 You just use Naninovel, or you go use Ren’Py or something else!

Speaking of voting, we recently had a general election over here at the start of the month! Thankfully, the evil assholes who have been in power for waaaay too long have finally been kicked out :D I don’t exactly 100% support the party that have the most power now, as they are not who would get my vote, but they were the only party that stood a chance of kicking out the Conservatives here, and anything would have been better than continued Conservative rule x3

I have a feeling that those things you mentioned: society making everyone self-conscious about their image, the food being too fattening, and the suicide rate being high… I think they’re probably all problems plaguing countries that are ruled by capitalism >.< To me, it just seems like a broken system that’s only ever gonna result in a select few privileged people being happy while everyone else just suffers more and more as time passes :(

But yeah, I mean, I’m sure there are PARTS of the UK where you probably would be able to go meet people who are actually nice and friendly, where you wouldn’t have to worry about peer pressure or being judged :3 I imagine Brighton might be one of those places! And there are definitely some lovely people over here. It’s just, my personal experience of British society in the area that I live is not a good one, haha.

Yeah, there are different ways to face fears, and forcing someone who is scared of heights to go on rollercoasters is not one of the good ways >.< That’s just being mean :(

There are definitely some strange casting decisions made in both the professional world of VA and in indie gaming x3 I’ve played a few games where the VA was decent enough, but the voice didn’t suit the character at all, and I wa just left thinking to myself… why on earth did the team cast that particular VA for that part? o.O

I don’t mind jump scares, but I also don’t really care for them, haha. They tend not to impact me in films, but in games, they will often get me x3 I would prefer to play stuff that purely builds the horror and anxiety through the atmosphere rather than the anticipation of jump scares, haha.

I also don’t really mind yanderes that hurt mc to punish them or blame them for how they feel, but it’s not something I’d really look for in a yandere. I’d enjoy it in a bad end I guess x3 but I would hope it wasn’t one of their main character traits, haha.

Well, technically I didn’t create Takaaki or any of the Yandere Heaven guys since they are localised from the Japanese drama CDs, but probably with every original yandere character that I make, parts of them must be guilty pleasures x3 One day I hope to make the type of yandere that I would 100% love, haha. Cos so far, I only love parts of my characters. Maybe it’s impossible though cos no one can be perfect, even if they’re fictional >.<

I think as long as you don’t put heaps of mayo, then tuna fish sandwiches are fairly healthy :3 Although I guess the type of bread they are made with also plays a big part >.< I have to cut out bread for like 5/7 days of the week even though it’s one of my favourite foods T_T I also like tuna, so I just have a tin of flavoured tuna like jalapenos or lemon & thyme + some tomatoes for a lunch option. It’s not all that filling though :(

I also stave off hunger with multiple cups of coffee x3

I guess noodles can be healthy or unhealthy depending on how they’re cooked & what is cooked with them :3 A lot of the packets of instant noodles aren’t especially healthy, which sucks cos they’re tasty x3 But plain ones that you cook and add your own veg and stuff too isn’t too bad!

Years ago, for breakfast, I used to make this porridge in a mug, just plain porridge oats, add 1 egg, lots of cinnamon, and some natural sweetener. Stir it up, pop it in the microwave, and it’s a porridgy version of a cinnamon bun xD Didn’t taste that amazing, but it was healthy and good for energy, haha.

Yeah, I can’t stand greasy foods for breakfast >.< Whenever I am away on holiday if I stay in a place that does breakfasts, I feel sick just looking at people with plates of full English breakfast piled high xD I don’t really like big breakfasts or hot food in the morning!

I can’t function without coffee either and I kinda hate that I need it so much x3 At the same time, I do really love the taste, so I can’t give it up just cos of the caffeine because I’d be missing out on a taste that I love too >.<

It really sucks that you’ve been lumped with a lot of the responsibilities of a dog that isn’t even yours :( If they don’t have the time or patience to look after it properly, they should never have got one in the first place!

My brother can’t stand anything lemon-tasting, but I quite like lemon :D My grandma always used to eat grapefruit on its own and I have no idea how she could stomach that x3

I like turmeric tea, but it’s probably not for everyone :3 You’ll have to try it someday if you can and see what you think! I feel like most people who like spiced stuff would probably like it, like if someone likes spiced chai. My dad doesn’t like it much, haha.

I tend to drink my coffee with only the tiiiiiniest splash of milk or just black x3 I like my coffee to essentially punch me in the face, haha. We always buy the strongest coffee we can find!

Yeah, I have to plan carefully if I know I’m gonna have to do any chores or life admin-type stuff because I know it will wipe me out pretty fast, especially if any of it involves going outside >.< it’s like I just have to accept that if I can manage to do those things, I will have done so at the cost of my energy for the remainder of the day.

I’m a novice gardener, yeah x3 Not really very good at it, but most of my plants are still alive, so that’s something I guess, haha. Watering them hasn’t proved too much a problem because once it became part of my routine, it’s just like I do it automatically at the same time every day :D The slugs have eaten and destroyed one of my plant babies though T_T Nothing I could do cos I’m purposefully not using pesticides and such, as the whole reason I’ve planted stuff is to help the bees & other pollinators! So I wouldn’t wanna accidentally poison them >.<

In theory, no one can say I’m being lazy with everything I’m doing, buuuut, in reality, everyone in my family besides my dad and brother thinks I’m useless for not having a job >.< and if they’re kind enough to not think I’m useless, they just feel sorry for me instead because they’re all getting on with their lives, studying or employed, and every time they see me, I’m just stuck in the same place, still making games, not making money, haha.

And ofc, the government still just sees me as lazy & useless because I’m not employed so not contributing to the economy >.< And anyone who is ‘economically inactive’ as they put it, is basically someone to be looked down on :( I guess cos a capitalist society doesn’t value creative skills unless they happen to also make lots of money >.<”

It sucks so much that you don’t have anyone you can rely on for support to go out with :( Me and my brother may not always get on, but I don’t know what I’d do without him! I wouldn’t be able to go to the shops and stuff alone cos it’s too much >.< Just having someone with me means I can do so much more than if I didn’t have anyone.

If I didn’t have anyone, I would also be a shut-in, too scared to ever leave the house :( It sucks we don’t live closer together because maybe we would be able to support each other with stuff like that if we did!

That’s very understandable to be afraid of the unknown. If I were in your position, I would probably also stay with family even if it’s not ideal because I’d be too scared of what might happen if I took my chances with strangers >.< At the same time, sticking with what was familiar was also how I wasted years of my life being trapped with abusive people, so it’s really tough to know what the best call is in situations like that :(

I just really wish that your relatives would value you more and treat you better!!

They shouldn’t use the fact that they’re giving you a place to stay as blackmail to hold over you or guilt-trip you into doing everything they want and abusing/taking advantage of you being there >.< It’s just wrong.

If I had superpowers, I would try to figure out a way to make them actually appreciate you! >.<

Oh, boy, yeah, that’s not ideal if Godot stuff doesn’t work well with Winlator! >.< Since O2A2 jam just finished, I wonder if there are lots of fun games out that you would be able to run on Winlator cos they should all be short and small ones :3 I know there are a lot that I’m excited to check out myself!

I managed to submit something to the jam, but only just because my stupid PC is broken/unusable again :( Even though the new one they sent is under 2 months old! It’s just had problems since the first day they sent it, and now it just has permanent loops of blue screens of death so I can’t use it >.<

They want to try and fix it, but I feel like they shouldn’t have that chance when they already sent me 1 faulty PC. The 2nd PC was their chance. Now this one is clearly also faulty, why would I believe that if they send a 3rd one it will work? I just wish they would give me my money back so I can buy one from somewhere else :(

In the meantime, I am stuck just using the potato laptop again!

That sounds pretty cool about RenJs! Have you been experimenting with it much? :o

You don’t have to make me something though, you silly sausage x3 You could be making a game for yourself instead with the same time and effort :3

Sadly, the Solipsism Reigns sprites weren’t free >.< I had to buy an entire series of sprite generators and then make them from scratch using all the different body/hair/face/clothing parts in the generator x3 They were fun to make because of how much customisation there was! But it wasn’t all that cheap to buy all of the generators :(

I hope making games has indeed provided you with a distraction :3 Maybe one day, you will get as obsessed as me, and then it’ll be all you ever think about xD I’m not sure that’s necessarily a good thing, haha, but it is an effective weapon against depression at least x3

Tyrano was definitely very easy to use, so it’s a shame you’re not able to try it out :( I hope you’re getting on okay with RenJs though :3

I’m sorry it’s taken me so ridiculously long to write a proper reply anyhow >.< I feel like I’ve been gone forever o.O Or like I last messaged you yesterday, but months have passed and that hasn’t really registered in my brain >.< This is precisely why I am terrible relationship material, haha. Cos it doesn’t matter how much I care about a person, if I end up with tunnel vision on project stuff, especially when jam deadlines are involved, no matter how much I want to reply to stuff or spend time doing other things, my brain doesn’t allow it T_T

I just end up stuck like a hamster running on a wheel unable to stop until the jam ends and the wheel is physically taken away from me >.<

Now that I’m out of that mindset and my PC is broken, I’m able to do stuff like type this again :3 But at the same time, I’m also kinda buried by everything else I neglected during the jams, which means my current to-do list just makes me want to run away from the world and hide in a cave cos it’s too much, haha.

I hope things have been looking up for you at least :3 And I have missed you also! Stay safe and happy yourself!! ^-^

vocaloidsrcool135 days ago(+1)

I'm doing my best! I hope you can keep hanging on as well.

That sounds really painful. The worst insect sting that I ever got was from a misquito. I hope that remains the case.

Hmm...maybe it would be like Noah's Ark. Only humans who have been good to the environment could live.

I wish that I had such a purpose. Those people are truly lucky.

I think that I am better at just writing than making a game. RenJs won't even load if I don't use indentation properly, so I have to copy the script, and add it back in little by little to find out where I messed up. But, at least I can say that when I write, I can momentarily escape reality. I guess that is all that I can hope for.

Feelings can be cruel that way. Sometimes, I feel that I have no control over them, and it sucks. Those are the times that I want to escape into a game or a story.

If we could be strong enough to push away our negative feelings, it would be like a super power with how incredible it would be.

Yes, I finished it~ Technically, the game isn't done, but I have finished the fourth day, even though they are still adding stuff to that day.

Well, it won't be everyone's cup of tea,( day four has a very...graphic sex scene), but it breaks the fourth wall sometimes, and the love interest is very interesting.

I don't remember if she used Naninovel or not. It's been a while since I played it, because I had to delete it to make room for other games. But, I honestly hated the lack of a save feature, because the emulator kept making the game crash. They can create a password so that only people paying can play the game, but it's too hard to add a save feature or use a different engine?

That really is a relief. Over here, the old president Donald Trump has been replaced with Joe Biden. He is way better than Trump, so that's also really good.

The government wants everyone to act, look, and think a certain way, and to live the way that THEY think is right, and it puts so much stress on people. Only the people who are able to adapt to how society changes can thrive.

That's okay. I haven't had many good experiences in America either. At least, past my pre-teen years. Life can be really hard, and society doesn't make it easier.

But, if Brighton is as nice as you say, it might make a great vacation spot one day.

And, I have heard of so many accidents on rollercoasters, that it is also a dangerous thing to pressure someone into going on it.

I know what you mean. Looking back at some games where characters have good voices, but the voice doesn't match the character, I remember not wanting to play them anymore because that honestly ruined the immersion for me.

Since I tend to like more romantic games, I think that I like drama the most. I know that it isn't comparable to jumpscares, but I only play horror games if they have romance anyway, so jumpscares aren't really what I focus on anyway.

I'm not judging if you can handle yandere like that. I think that I am completely turned off by those types of yandere because, since I haven't met many nice people in my life, I tend to like yandere that are kind and gentle. Softer yandere, you know? They make me feel loved.

Make a love interest with all of the traits that I love? Why did you give me that idea? Now, I have to do it! I have always wanted a love interest that would make me want to play a game over and over again, even after getting every ending. I kind of gave up on the game that I was making, because having to rewrite the script so that the indentation was perfect became frustrating, but I think that I will just make a new game with the idea of a love interest that would be perfect in my eyes.

I cannot tell a lie - I love mayonnaise so much that I put too much on the sandwhich every time. Buuut, I use wheat bread, which is healthy...right? XD

Wow. I could never eat jalapenos like that, because I'm sensitive to spicy food. Even hot sauce is too much heat for me.

Even though I love coffee, I need either sugar or creamer in it, and I learned very quickly that you use up too much of both of those things if you have multiple cups of coffee a day. I was scolded by my cousin for using too much cream and sugar, even though I needed the coffee. Three more relatives came to visit, so it is very hectic. More dishes and other things to clean, and I feel like I'm the only one doing any cleaning. But, I won't trauma dump on you. Just know that I have to sneak coffee sometimes. :P

I'm kind of tired of packaged noodles, because my cousin always buys them. At this point, I'm contemplating writing a novel, and selling it, just so that I have the money to buy foods that I like.

If I try to make that, my cousin will make a disgusted face, ask what I'm doing, then say that I am wasting eggs and cinnamon. But, now I want to try it. XD

I have a problem where if the food isn't sweet, it doesn't seem like a breakfast food. Probably because that is the one time that I know that I can have sweets. There are too many kids here now, so they get snacks before anyone else, so if there aren't enough,I get nothing. >.<

But, your way of thinking is smart. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so, it should be healthy but...try telling that to my sweet tooth. :D

For me, I think it's the caffeine more than the taste, since I drown the taste in flavored creamer and sugar. I literally need it to function though. Being an introvert with a large family, and doing many chores every day means that if you don't have caffeine in your system, then when someone tells you to clean the kitchen for the third time in the day, or the dog keeps barking, and you have to shush it on your own till it's growling and lunging at you, you WILL be feeling the fatigue by the afternoon.

The sad part about it is that my young nephews who wanted it now want to put it in a shelter, but my cousin said that's not their decision to make! >.< All because my cousins boyfriend picked the dog out, and my cousin is too scared of him to ask him to get rid of the dog! So, who suffers because of all of this? Me! I think it's my punishment for not getting my own place. Or the universe telling me that leaving this place, no matter how scared I am, is better than this. But...at least here, I know what to expect and what I will have to go through. Out there? It's a mystery.

My mom used to eat lemons after sprinkling a little sugar on them, and I thought that was really strange. I always wondered why she didn't make lemonade instead. But, I love lemonade and lemon candy. Grapefruit is the only fruit that I can't eat. I can't even drink grapefruit juice. It's really bitter to me. I like to compare it to coffee without cream or sugar.

Oh, it's spicy? Yeah, I really am not good with spicy things. It does sound interesting, but maybe I'll pass on it.

I did try black coffee with no sugar when we didn't have any, and I almost spit it out. It was just too bitter. I can drink coffee black, but it has to at least have sugar in it. I can even drink it with only creamer, as long as it is flavored creamer. I remember that I got so desperate for caffeine that I tried to drink it with syrup... I do not recommend it. Haha~

Is it silly that I think that you are brave for going outside at all? But, I know what you mean about chores, especially dishes. When you live with over five relatives, they pile up quickly, and over a short amount of time.

In America we call being good at gardening having a green thumb. To me, what you are doing is incredible! Especially since it is to help the environment and insects. It's too bad that other insects eat your hard work though.

Wow. If your relatives see you as useless for not having a job, then my relatives must see me as dirt. At least you sometimes go outside, and have a garden. I'm in an apartment struggling to make a game with the simplest game engine. Excuse me while I go cry now.

At least Joe Biden seems nice. Maybe he wouldn't be so hard on unemployed people.

You seem to have kind relatives. An example of my own would be that another cousin helps the one who owns the place I live in with rent. When my helpful cousin got into an argument with the one who owns the apartment she said: "If you have to say what you've done, then you aren't really helping." Suggesting that you have to do more than pay the rent to please her. It's really annoying because she has been...very verbal about how she sees me. Apparently, since I don't have a job the least I can do is help her clean, and watch the dog. Oh, and feed the cat. By the way, I'm sorry for trauma dumping again. I have a cold, so I think it's making me more verbal than usual.

That's okay. At least I know that there is someone in the world who cares about me. And I have my fictional boyfriends too.

Ever since I watched the Disney movie 'Annie', and heard the antagonist tell Annie - "Kid if you think it's bad here, it's lousy out there. I'm doing you a favor by not letting you leave." It's really made me question if I should stay or go. It's not like anyone is forcing me to stay here, but, I'm still here anyway, out of fear.

You are really kind. And you are right, they shouldn't guilt-trip me. However, if I argue back, they will make my life more of a nightmare. I have already had the phone that was given to me taken away for two days. Even though I gave up a laptop so that my cousin could have one month of internet. And it would have been payed using my mom's money. All of the games that I still can't play, programs to make games that I can't use...the possibility of having them are all gone because I gave up my laptop for what she wanted. And, it was only one month, so after that, I could have still had the laptop once the internet came on again.

I have already played two games from that jam, and I loved both of them. I am definitely going to play more, but, I think that I should focus on trying to make a game first, since I gave up because of indentation. But, when I'm done with that, I will be playing more of them.

That sounds like every android phone that I have ever had. And since a phone is all that I have, that isn't good. Now, I am borrowing my cousins' phone, but I've had two phones before that, that were given to me by my mom, and they both had a short lifespan. I don't know what these companies are thinking, but they need to make better products or refund people's money back.

Not really experimenting. I have had so much trouble with indentation, that I have just been copying the script, and adding it back, bit by bit to see where I messed up. If I mess up the indentation, the game won't even load. Imagine writing ten paragraphs, and then trying to test it, but the game won't load. Then having to add the script back in one sentence at a time to see where you went wrong. At this point, I really want Tyrano Builder. T-T

Then, if I make a game, and link it to you, you can still play it. Unless I get nervous, and self-conscious, and change my mind about sending it. But ,that probably won't happen. Maybe.

Hmm...wait, there might be free assets on Itch.io come to think of it. I could literally just check here.

I have been writing less, ever since I gave up writing a story online due to writer's block. I wrote so many chapters, but I had to drop it, because I had no idea how to continue it. I think I wrote myself into a corner, and would have to rewrite so much if I want to continue it. So, making games could be a fun replacement, once I figure out the indentation part.

It's alright. I think I understand. I've spent so much time rewriting the script for this game, and every time I finish, (because it is only playable on the browser), I had to upload it to Itch, and try to run it. Because I wanted two love interests, the script was going to be longer than if I only had one. Now I want to delete everything...or at least take away one love interest. So, I've been practically obsessed with getting the indentation right.

I do recognize the feeling of wanting to run away from your responsibilities. I hope that you don't feel too much pressure as a result of the things that you have to do.

Well, you gave me the great idea to make a love interest that I find perfect, so that makes me kind of happy. :D I honestly do hope that you can enjoy yourself, before you go back to your responsibilities. I wish that you get a few chocolates for yourself, and eat them while you drink your coffee. Stay safe, always, my friend.

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