itch.io

You buffoon, do you really think it is that simple? The trash is piled to the ceiling. My house hasn't seen natural light in DAYS! I have no way of knowing when it is day or night (except on Tuesdays when Stacy comes over to pick me up for Pilates). And I know what you're going to say: "WhY NoT TaKe It OuT On TuEsDaY?" I AM NOT MISSING PILATES JUST TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH. No the only logical choice is to live this way for the rest of my days.

Hello Buddy, I am here to give you a warning. This game is incredible but it is also scary enough to make the bravest of company men shiver in their timbers. Ever since I have played this game, I have been too afraid to take my trash out in real life. Mountains upon mountains of trash bags are filling my hallways. I have to go through an obstacle course just to reach my damn bathroom. And the smell... you haven't though about the SMELL! It is too late for me. I have accepted my life as the trashman but there is still time for you. Run while you can!

They said I was crazy. They called me a madman. For years, I have evaded the temptation of the Apples and Androids of the world to try and live a simple, quaint life with my Nokia 3310. The road was far from easy. I have watched as people have shoved their candy crush's and angry birds in my face. My days became consumed playing Snake in a desperate attempt to trick myself into thinking I too was experiencing peak gaming. I played so much so, my family left me. I was at rock bottom. Was my choice to stick it to the corporate hungry mainstream phones worth this despair? Well look at me now... Now I finally have a game I can brag about. The world is not ready for the hellfire I shall reign down upon it. You may have gotten custody of the kids Rachel but I have singlehandedly beaten all 18 levels! I am no longer a man. No, I am now a floaty boy.  

Who am I? They call me Tony Two Toes on account of my two toes. I was a made man, the best of the best til it all went south. I've been on the run ever since the Great Vienna sausage incident of '98, keeping a low profile to make sure no one can find me. No Cell Phone, no email, nothing! ...but then I found this game, this DAMNED GAME! The groovy jam of the item shop song, the smooth mechanics the artistically tasteful nipples. This game has it all so much so that I felt compelled to break my rule and created an email/itch.io account to write this review (this was my undoing). They've found me. I hear the sound of can openers outside my door and the smell of cheap processed wieners is starting to fill the air. My time is almost up. At least I get to go out playing the best game jam game there is to offer.

I heard that the developer is a real cutie but that is not the reason I love this game. The real reason I love this game is because 12 years ago on a Christmas just like this, I received coal from Santa for my "bad behavior". I swear I dont know how strip teaeses ended up on the search history of the family computer. Anyway ever since that day I have dreamed of preventing others from experiencing the misery of soot covered fingies that I was forced to. With this one game, all my dreams have finally come true. The Eco Friendly Age is coming Fat Man!