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A jam submission

Ascendant AllegianceView project page

Short story for OPR Writing Jam #6
Submitted by boxkars — 12 hours, 52 minutes before the deadline
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Play book

Ascendant Allegiance's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Flow & Clarity#183.7053.895
Overall#193.6553.842
Adherence to the Theme#223.4543.632
Concept & Originality#223.8054.000

Ranked from 19 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Submitted(+1)

Great character beats, really enjoyed seeing this rendition of this faction. Perfect beat to end on.

Submitted(+1)

I enjoyed this read, who knew the Soul-snatcher Cults were so inviting?

Submitted(+2)

I really liked the way you used the first-person narration to explore the psychic brainwashing the narrator has undergone at the Cult's hands. It gave the whole tale a nicely creepy undercurrent throughout. I think the story could have better explored the theme - the two main characters, the narrator and Torma, have one exchange about the Cult early on, and don't get further into the subject. You have plenty of wordcount to play with, so my suggestion would be to have the narrator meet Torma as he is escaping, and have a brief confrontation to really sell the contrast between the two characters' perspectives on who, really, is the bad guy here. Overall I liked your engagement with the very human realities of a Cult of psychic aliens, and the damage they could and would do not only to planets, but to the individuals who live on them. Let me second Hobby Fuzion's encouragement that there's a longer story in here if you want to tell it!

Developer

Great feedback, thanks :)

Submitted(+2)

nice “street-level” tale, great room to flesh this out into a longer story at some point!

Submitted(+1)

Well I hope he made the right choice, as in they don't end up hunting him down...